Joke of the day

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Post by Andy on Tue May 13, 2014 8:18 pm

First topic message reminder :

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, He says " sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that the lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.The first nun says, " I want to be Sophia Loren" and poof she is gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she is gone.The third says " I want to be Sara Pipilini.St Peter looks perplexed. "Who" he asked."Sara Pipilini " replies the nun.St Peter shakes his head and says " I am sorry but that name does not ring a bell"The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing, he hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says " it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months". 





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Post by Fred Moletrousers on Tue Mar 05, 2019 7:03 pm

It's 2055, and Wayne and Tracey discover that they have earned sufficient Air Miles for a trip to Mars.

On their first night in the hotel they meet up with a Martian couple and get round to discussing things like music, politics, art and literature, and then an increasingly bored Tracey asks how Martians have sex.

"Well, very much the same as you guys I suppose," says the Martian man.

After a bit more discussion, they agree to try wife-swapping, which is unknown on Mars, and the young couples split up and go off to their separate rooms.

Tracey and the Martian just can't wait...they kiss passionately, tearing off each other's clothes, until they stand facing each other, stark naked. But then Tracey's smile of anticipation disappears when she looks at his penis.

"What's wrong?" the Martian guy asks. "I thought you fancied me..."

"I do, very much, but it's your cock...it's so tiny. I'd hardly feel anything," Tracey replied.

"Oh, is that all?" said the Martian. "I can soon do something about that..." and he proceeded to bang his forehead with his fist, every thump making his penis longer and longer.

"Oh, my god," gasped Traced "That's fantasic. But it's quite thin, and I'm like, well, spacious if you see what I mean."

"No problem," said the Martian, and proceeded to pull on his ears, each tug increasing the girth of his by now magnificent member.

And Tracey spent the night in pure, multi-orgasmic ecstasy....

The following morning, when they were at their breakfast table waiting for their new friends to come down, Tracey asked Wayne, "Well, come on and tell me, how was it for you?"

"Bloody awful", said a crestfallen Wayne. "That mad woman spent the entire night thumping me on the forehead and yanking my ears apart...!"
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Post by nicko on Tue Mar 05, 2019 8:27 pm

Laughing
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Post by Lurker on Wed Mar 06, 2019 10:56 pm

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles
."

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Post by nicko on Thu Mar 07, 2019 6:46 am

Laughing
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Post by Lurker on Fri Mar 08, 2019 12:06 am

Joke of the day - Page 12 Mom_te10

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Post by nicko on Fri Mar 08, 2019 6:20 am

No thanks, I want my Dinner in my mouth , not in my Lap !
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Post by Lurker on Mon Mar 11, 2019 11:27 pm

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

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Post by Lurker on Wed Mar 20, 2019 5:57 pm

Fitzgerald lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Fitzgerald went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Fitzgerald said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic

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Post by Lurker on Sun Mar 24, 2019 2:26 am

Joke of the day - Page 12 Erecti10

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Post by Lurker on Mon Mar 25, 2019 2:40 pm

Smart Blonde
A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

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Post by Lurker on Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:11 pm

GRANDMOTHER’S DAY IN THE SUN

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

* * *

THE YEAR’S “TOP 10” IRISH JOKES

BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 1 -- One night, Mrs. McMillen answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

“Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory.”

Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs. McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

Mrs. McMillen starts crying. “Oh … don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?”

Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out three times to pee!”

BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 2 -- An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.

“Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whisky, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, “Never mind, I found one.”

BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 3 -- Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working all day furiously without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who puts in the trees called in sick.'”

BEST IRISH JOKE No. 4 --What’s the difference between God and Bono?

God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.

BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 5 -- Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”

Billy says, “In the car.”

Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”

BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 6 -- Paddy and Mick are walking down the road, and Paddy’s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.

Paddy says to Mick, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.”

BEST IRISH JOKES NO. 7 -- A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 8 -- An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just the water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 9 -- Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “I’m betting I know where yer callin’ from!”

BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 10 -- Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting together a group to go right now.”

THE HONORABLE MENTIONS

* -- Dr. O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."

"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies: "Tests show that you only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

Dr. O'Mahony replies: “Because I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday."

* -- A sobbing Ms. Murphy approaches Father O’Grady after mass. He says: “So what’s bothering you?”

She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

" Well father," she replied. “He said: Now Mary, put down that d--- gun.”

* -- Paddie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness. The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.

When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”

Paudie explains: “Well Laddie, I’m prayin you will be understandin' and would drink fast too if you had what I have.”

The barman asks: “What do you have?”

The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”

* -- Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day. One day Mr. Connors is on his walk without the dog.

His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?"

Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down."

"Was he mad?" asks Billy.

"He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.

* -- An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"

The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."

The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.

The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. “Oh no, for me health, I’ve just decided to quit drinking!"



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Post by nicko on Mon Apr 01, 2019 3:31 pm

Great Jokes, tell 'em here, the PC brigade will come down on you like a Ton of Bricks !
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Post by Fred Moletrousers on Mon Apr 01, 2019 7:15 pm

nicko wrote:Great Jokes, tell 'em here, the PC brigade will come down on you like a Ton of Bricks !

Well, while not necessarily referring exclusively to this place, Nicko, you're right. Some rib-tickling Irish, etc., and blonde jokes there, and one can almost hear the sound of gnashing teeth and intakes of "shocked and offended" breaths.

I sometimes think there are people who spend their entire lives trawling through the mainstream and social media desperately searching for something otherwise intentionally light hearted that they can condemn as being racist/sexist/homophobic/transgenderist/fatist/gingerist etc, etc, ad nauseam, ad infinitum.

Jokes about supposedly "thick Irishmen", "mean Scotsmen", "sheep-shagging Welshmen" and even "mean, sheep-shagging Yorkshiremen" are just a few potential targets...and as for combined Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and Welshman jokes..........
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Post by nicko on Mon Apr 01, 2019 9:43 pm

You cannot now say, Paddy, Irish, . Taffy, Welshman, Jock, Scotsman, without some Berk saying "that's racist ! What do they call an Englishman I wonder ?
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Post by Fred Moletrousers on Tue Apr 02, 2019 10:01 am

nicko wrote:You cannot now say,  Paddy, Irish, . Taffy, Welshman,  Jock, Scotsman,  without some Berk saying "that's racist !    What do they call an Englishman I wonder ?

I'm a Tyke...and proud to be known as one.
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Post by Original Quill on Tue Apr 02, 2019 2:05 pm

Fred Moletrousers wrote:
nicko wrote:You cannot now say,  Paddy, Irish, . Taffy, Welshman,  Jock, Scotsman,  without some Berk saying "that's racist !    What do they call an Englishman I wonder ?

I'm a Tyke...and proud to be known as one.

That's right. Discrimination cannot be divorced from history. If you are from privilege, you cannot be offended by being called privileged. Discrimination occurs when the connotation is you are disadvantaged.

That's the reason why if you are black, it's discrimination. If you are white, it's a compliment.

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Post by Fred Moletrousers on Wed Apr 03, 2019 7:14 pm

Original Quill wrote:
Fred Moletrousers wrote:

I'm a Tyke...and proud to be known as one.

That's right.  Discrimination cannot be divorced from history.  If you are from privilege, you cannot be offended by being called privileged.  Discrimination occurs when the connotation is you are disadvantaged.

That's the reason why if you are black, it's discrimination.  If you are white, it's a compliment.

Actually, Quill, a Tyke is a particular sort of Englishman...one born and bred in, or at least very close to, the South Yorkshire former mining town of Barnsley.

In America, according to one of my friends in Pennsylvania, a tyke is a mischievous kid!

A fellow Tyke of mine is the internationally-acclaimed broadcaster Michael Parkinson, as is the renowned cricket umpire, the legendary Dickie Bird.

Parkinson ("Parky") and I have a remarkably similar career path...we went to the same school, a grammar school founded by a 16th Century Archbishop of York, and then started our journalistic careers as cub reporters on the same local newspaper.

I last met cricketing legend Dicky Bird at the funeral of my late brother a few years ago, when I bought him a pint at the traditional wake.

Mean bugger didn't return the compliment........

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Post by Lurker on Wed Apr 10, 2019 12:50 am

JOKE OF THE WEEK

DOG FOR SALE :
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?" He asks.
“Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I went and told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars," the owner says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

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