Joke of the day

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Joke of the day

Post by Angry Andy on Tue May 13, 2014 8:18 pm

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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, He says " sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that the lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.The first nun says, " I want to be Sophia Loren" and poof she is gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she is gone.The third says " I want to be Sara Pipilini.St Peter looks perplexed. "Who" he asked."Sara Pipilini " replies the nun.St Peter shakes his head and says " I am sorry but that name does not ring a bell"The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing, he hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says " it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months". 





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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed May 23, 2018 4:46 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sat May 26, 2018 12:51 pm

THE NEW DONALD TRUMP POSTAGE STAMP
The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of Cheeto-Faced Ferret-Wearing Shit Gibbon. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.
* * *
YOU CAN DRIVE YOUR KIDS CRAZY WITH THESE
Schools are out for the summr aand here are a few one-liners that will drive the cookie-crumblers crazy:
* -- What kind of bird always has a good time? A lark.
* -- Why did the girl put her bandages in the refrigerator? In case she got a cold cut.
* -- What do spies call a bad day of fishing? Fishin impossible.
* -- What do Santas helpers learn in school? The Elf-abet.
* -- Why did the moon skip desert? It was full.
* -- Why did the piece of wood think it was a king? Because it was a ruler.
* -- Who can jump higher than a 15-story building? Anyone, buildings can’t jump.
* -- What did summer say to spring? Catch me, I’m going to fall.
* -- What are two things you can never eat for breakfast? Lunch and dinner.
* -- What has 18 legs, 18 arms, and catches flies? A baseball team.
* -- What starts with "e", ends with "e", but only has one letter in it? Envelope.
* -- What loses a head in the morning, but gets it back at night? A pillow.
* -- How can you tell a dog from a tree? By their barks.
* -- What gets bigger the more you take from it? A hole.
THREE SONS ATTEND DAD’S FUNERAL
A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.
However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there. Finally, it was the heart-broken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
He later became a Congressman.
* * *
WHEN OL’ TOM THE RANCHER GOT MARRIED AGAIN
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could sense certain needs of a young woman could not be satisfactory handled by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Don't ever underestimate old guys!
* * *
WHEN INSULTS WERE MUCH MORE FUN THAN VULGAR WORDS
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” Disraeli replied: “That depends, Sir, on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." -Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second . . . if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts . . . for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx
* * *
TALES YOU HEAR AROUND THE COFFEE SHOP
“I can’t take it anymore, it’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!” says a man to his friend.
“Don’t you mean ‘hysterical’?” asked his friend.
“No, I mean historical, every argument we have, she’ll go, ‘I still remember that time when you…’ ”
- - -
I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!
- - -
An old man and old woman have been friends for years. Eventually, the man asks, ‘Will you marry me?’
The woman says, ‘Yes, I will.’
The next day, the man wakes up worried, he knew he’d proposed, but couldn’t remember how she’d answered. Nervously, he phones her. ‘When I asked if you would marry me, what did you say?’ The woman answers, ‘I said ‘Yes I will’ and I’m glad you called, because I couldn’t remember who’d asked me.’
- - -
Mike had a problem getting up in the morning – he was always late for work. His boss said he was on his last warning. So Mike went to his doctor who gave him some pills to take before bed. He slept well and beat the alarm in the morning by a whole hour.
When he arrived at work, he said, “Boss, the pills actually worked!”
“That’s great,” said his boss, “but where were you yesterday?
- - -
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes,” she sighed, “he’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
- - -
A LESSON FROM THE WHITE HOUSE FENCE
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? "The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked!

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Public Service Open Letter From A Parnoid Schizophrenic

Post by Lurker on Wed Jun 06, 2018 4:50 pm

Thank You
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
Oh, by the way.....A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sat Jun 09, 2018 4:50 pm

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke.
When it starts to rain, Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age),
but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri Jul 06, 2018 1:34 pm

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot "Watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said "That was impressive but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked "What the heck did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled and said "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll".

The moral of the story: When you are young and foolish speed and flash may seem a good thing! When you get older and smarter comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!

Older folks understand this one. It's called: S.O.S. [Slower, Older, and Smarter!]

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Mon Jul 09, 2018 12:49 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Wed Jul 18, 2018 12:28 am

Wisdom from Grandpa...

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

First you forget names, and then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, and then...Oh, my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want to people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

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Re: Joke of the day

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