Joke of the day

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Joke of the day

Post by Angry Andy on Tue May 13, 2014 8:18 pm

First topic message reminder :

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, He says " sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that the lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.The first nun says, " I want to be Sophia Loren" and poof she is gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she is gone.The third says " I want to be Sara Pipilini.St Peter looks perplexed. "Who" he asked."Sara Pipilini " replies the nun.St Peter shakes his head and says " I am sorry but that name does not ring a bell"The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing, he hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says " it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months". 





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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:03 am

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you Caucasian, too! Why it change?"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:51 am

Original Quill wrote:I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you Caucasian, too!  Why it change?"

Haha, that reminds me of a similar joke; what do Japanese men do when they have an erection?

They vote.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Sep 10, 2014 6:00 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Wed Sep 10, 2014 6:10 am

Ha! Found it:

"Yer honor, that's a lah ..."


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Sep 10, 2014 6:24 am

she so lame she cant even swear like a bogan you can see she feels Shame and aint even saying ---- enough... but it raises a point why move to Straya if you want speak Poofta Pommie






Word cloud of most frequently posted words on reddit.com/r/straya

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:19 pm

veya_victaous wrote:

Actually, excellent point.  Informal English has no plural for the second-person...in formal English it's 'thou' and 'ye'.  But in informal English, which we use most often, it's 'you' and 'you'.

The eminently practical Scots remedied this by simple use of 'you' and 'y'all,' but it only caught on in the American South.  Now in Texas you will hear someone say: "Y'all cum 'ack, hea?"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:36 pm

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Wed Sep 10, 2014 9:43 pm

Original Quill wrote:Actually, excellent point.  Informal English has no plural for the second-person...in formal English it's 'thou' and 'ye'.  But in informal English, which we use most often, it's 'you' and 'you'.

The eminently practical Scots remedied this by simple use of 'you' and 'y'all,' but it only caught on in the American South.  Now in Texas you will hear someone say: "Y'all cum 'ack, hea?"

My favorite is the redundant "ALL o' y'all." Smile

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Sep 10, 2014 11:25 pm

Original Quill wrote:On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

lol!

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Thu Sep 11, 2014 6:44 pm

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

And I wonder why he refused?! Rolling Eyes

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Thu Sep 11, 2014 6:52 pm

Original Quill wrote:On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Love it! x

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Thu Sep 11, 2014 10:13 pm

One of my all-time favorite jokes, just because it's so dumb:

Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Your old lady.

Your old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel!

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Sep 11, 2014 11:17 pm

Original Quill wrote:"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

And I wonder why he refused?! Rolling Eyes


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Fri Sep 12, 2014 5:26 am

veya_victaous wrote:
Original Quill wrote:"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

And I wonder why he refused?! Rolling Eyes


Actually, it was a joke. I added the final caustic line, but on reading again it sounds just like a continuing conversation. lol.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Fri Sep 12, 2014 5:38 am

@quill
that was a joke too
'Cause aint all women like that Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing





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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Fri Sep 12, 2014 5:30 pm



Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Tue Sep 16, 2014 6:21 pm

You boys have got us all wrong, we're gorgeous

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Tue Sep 16, 2014 6:30 pm

feelthelove wrote: You boys have got us all wrong, we're gorgeous

And the world is so much better for it.  :askissas:

Lol...xxx

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Tue Sep 16, 2014 6:55 pm

Original Quill wrote:
feelthelove wrote: You boys have got us all wrong, we're gorgeous

And the world is so much better for it.  :askissas:

Lol...xxx

Absolutely Quill :astwinsas: xxxx

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lone Wolf on Tue Sep 16, 2014 7:01 pm

Original Quill wrote:


Laughing Laughing Laughing

What a Face    "Sometimes, 'needs must'.."



Smile

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Wed Sep 24, 2014 8:23 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Wed Oct 01, 2014 12:25 am

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."
Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Please!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,
and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Bob.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yelling.....
"BOB, wake up for fucksake,"You've just shit the bed..!"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Thu Oct 02, 2014 6:32 am



(I'm not a dumbass. That's a spoon, not an airplane.)

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Thu Oct 02, 2014 6:36 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Fri Oct 03, 2014 6:17 am




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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Fri Oct 03, 2014 7:17 am

Awesome images! And seals really are dog mermaids, by the way:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caniformia#Family_tree

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Sat Oct 04, 2014 10:50 pm

A Catholic priest is out fishing with his friend one day when the priest hauls in a massive fish. The friend shouts, "Look at the size of that son of a bitch!"

The priest turns slowly to him. "What did you say?"

Embarrassed, the friend quickly replies, "Oh, that's the name of that species of fish, Father -- it's a Sonofabitch."

So the priest takes his catch back to the church, where he has a nun clean it and a deacon cook it up for their dinner guest that night -- none other than the Pope himself.

The Pope finishes his dinner and says, "That was some of the most delicious fish I've ever had."

Swelling with pride, the priest replies, "I caught the Sonofabitch!"

The nun pipes up, "I cleaned the Sonofabitch!" And the deacon adds, "And I cooked the Sonofabitch!"

The Pope looks them over slowly, removing his hat and carefully setting it on the table.

Then he sits back, kicks his feet up and says, "You know what? You fuckers are all right."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Sun Oct 05, 2014 6:32 pm

Ben_Reilly wrote:A Catholic priest is out fishing with his friend one day when the priest hauls in a massive fish. The friend shouts, "Look at the size of that son of a bitch!"

The priest turns slowly to him. "What did you say?"

Embarrassed, the friend quickly replies, "Oh, that's the name of that species of fish, Father -- it's a Sonofabitch."

So the priest takes his catch back to the church, where he has a nun clean it and a deacon cook it up for their dinner guest that night -- none other than the Pope himself.

The Pope finishes his dinner and says, "That was some of the most delicious fish I've ever had."

Swelling with pride, the priest replies, "I caught the Sonofabitch!"

The nun pipes up, "I cleaned the Sonofabitch!" And the deacon adds, "And I cooked the Sonofabitch!"

The Pope looks them over slowly, removing his hat and carefully setting it on the table.

Then he sits back, kicks his feet up and says, "You know what? You fuckers are all right."

lol! Great Texas joke. Laughing

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sun Oct 05, 2014 7:14 pm

victorisnotamused wrote:Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."
Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Please!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,
and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Bob.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yelling.....
"BOB, wake up for fucksake,"You've just shit the bed..!"

You are sooooo bad Victor x

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon Oct 13, 2014 10:58 pm

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Mon Oct 20, 2014 10:06 pm



A Matter of Perspective



Two female Wrens are having a conversation at work.
“Did you have good sex last night?” asked one of the Wrens.

“No. It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?”
...

“Oh it was amazing. My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long fantastic sex, and after sex we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale.”

At the same time their husbands are talking at work.
“Did you have good sex last night?” asked one of the hubbies.

Yes, it was great! I came home dinner was on the table. I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?”

“OMG! It was horrible! I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity ‘cause I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner, and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab, so we had to walk home for an hour. I was so angry when we came home that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't *** for another hour. After I finally did I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep for another hour.”

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Mon Oct 20, 2014 10:09 pm

Love it ha ha.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri Oct 24, 2014 12:39 am

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?'
The first man approached him and said, 'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?'
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied........ 'My wife's first husband.'

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Fri Oct 24, 2014 7:19 am

Lurker wrote:A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?'
The first man approached him and said, 'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?'
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied........ 'My wife's first husband.'

Fantastic, sir, I award to you all of the Internets Smile

In my last relationship, toward the end, I found myself lamenting the fact that my fiancee hadn't managed to make it work with her last boyfriend Smile

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon Oct 27, 2014 2:46 am

Do you fart in bed ?
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:59 am

What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow?





REALITY!

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by eddie on Tue Nov 18, 2014 1:45 pm

veya_victaous wrote:What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow?





REALITY!


Haha good one
Also absurdity cheers

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Dec 11, 2014 12:52 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Dec 11, 2014 2:29 am

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sun Dec 28, 2014 8:44 pm

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Wed Jan 07, 2015 2:32 am

A leprechaun, a cow, a black guy and the Dalai Lama are riding Harley-Davidson motorcycles through New York when they have to pull up short because of the annual Gay Pride Parade.

Float after float goes by, loud music playing, people dancing, cross-dressers vamping; the works.

Finally the cow turns to the black guy and says ...

"Moo."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Wed Jan 07, 2015 4:55 pm

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Jan 27, 2015 9:48 pm

A guy who lives down the street from me, who is now 89 years young, was stopped by police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

He told the officer, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The driver replied, "That would be my wife."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Thu Jan 29, 2015 6:51 pm

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.  The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady.

The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Thu Jan 29, 2015 8:13 pm

She'll probably forget to tell him.

Cute joke.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Fri Jan 30, 2015 3:32 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Fri Jan 30, 2015 8:39 pm

'The Surrogate'


After a long period of trying, The Jones found out they were unable to conceive children. So they decided to use a surrogate father to start their new family. It was Friday and the proxy father was scheduled to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife goodbye and said, Well, Im off now. The guy should be here soon.
About fifteen minutes later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good Afternoon, he said, Ive come to
Oh, no need for you to explain sir, Mrs. Jones cut in, embarrassed, Ive been expecting you.
Oh really? said the photographer. Well, thats great! Did you know babies are my specialty?
Well thats what my husband John and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat on the couch
After a few moments of silence she asked, blushing, Well, where do we start?
Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.
Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didnt work out for John and me!
Well, Im sorry Maam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, Im sure youll be pleased with the results.
My, thats a lot! gasped Mrs. Jones.
In my line of work a man has to take his time. Id love to be in and out in five minutes, but Im sure youd be disappointed with that.
Dont I know it, said Mrs. Jones quietly.
The photographer opened his bag and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. This was done on the top of a school bus, he said.
Oh my Goodness! Mrs. Jones exclaimed.
And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the mom was annoying and difficult to work with.
She was difficult? asked Mrs. Jones.
Yes, Maam. I finally had to take her to the playground to get the job done right. People were crowding around five and six deep to get a good look.
Five and six deep? said Mrs. Jones, her eyes wide as they can be.
Yes, the photographer replied. And It was for more than two hours, too. The mom was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.
Mrs. Jones leaned forward. WHAT? Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um equipment?
OMG!, yes Well, if youre ready, Ill set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.
Tripod?!?!?!
Ummmm yes, Maam. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. Its much too heavy to be held in the hand very long.
With that, Mrs. Jones fainted.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sat Jan 31, 2015 4:13 am

LOL! Good one. That's funny!!

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Sat Jan 31, 2015 5:24 am

Very good!

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Mon Feb 02, 2015 10:59 pm

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your swimming pool?

Bob.

Hanging on your wall? Art.

Laying in front of your door? Matt.



Why are there no Irish lawyers?

None of them can pass the bar.



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Re: Joke of the day

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