Joke of the day

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Joke of the day

Post by Andy on Tue May 13, 2014 8:18 pm

First topic message reminder :

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, He says " sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that the lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.The first nun says, " I want to be Sophia Loren" and poof she is gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she is gone.The third says " I want to be Sara Pipilini.St Peter looks perplexed. "Who" he asked."Sara Pipilini " replies the nun.St Peter shakes his head and says " I am sorry but that name does not ring a bell"The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing, he hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says " it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months". 





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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sat Apr 08, 2017 5:05 pm

After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling. The wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on, she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her, long and passionately, as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, *but on Fridays, I fish!"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri Apr 14, 2017 12:30 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Apr 27, 2017 2:36 pm

An old man goes to church one morning and heads into confession.

Inside, he says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, a widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”

The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never, Father, I’m Jewish,” the man replies.

“So then, why are you telling me?” the priest asks, confused.

The man responds, “I’m telling everybody!"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri Apr 28, 2017 3:38 pm

Suspicious Wife
The husband and his young wife were not on good terms.
In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty
Housemaid Ekaette,so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent Ekaette home for the weekend, and didn't
Inform the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear........my stomach," and disappeared towards the
Bathroom.
The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into
The maid's bed.
She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came
Silently........
He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his willy, and got on
Top of her. When he finished and still panting, the wife said
You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on
The light.
"No madam, said the gardener"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Sat Apr 29, 2017 5:17 pm

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but  prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the  need arose.

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type.

After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.

In response, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and £100,000 Scottish pounds in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure.

Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He then phoned the Arab and said to him:

"I thought you would be more generous than that - last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates ?"

The Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon May 01, 2017 12:41 am

A priest in a small rural, Irish town was very fond of his 10 chickens

and 1 handsome Cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.

One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing.

At the same time the priest heard rumors of Cock-fights being held in town.

Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something.

During Mass he asked the congregation,

"Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome Cock?"
All the men stood up.

No, no," he said.

"That's not what I mean.

Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome Cock?"
All the women stood up.

"Oh, no," he said.

"That's not what I mean either.

Who among you will confess to having seen a Cock that doesn't belong to you?"
Half the women stood up.

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question:

Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the Choirboys stood up.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon May 01, 2017 3:43 pm

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show about 3 years ago, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake:

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter.. Snowing and quite cold and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first Date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show....

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by nicko on Mon May 01, 2017 4:09 pm

Much funnier than your Trump cartoons !
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon May 01, 2017 5:20 pm

nicko wrote:Much funnier than your Trump cartoons !

The Trump cartoons are never meant to be funny. There is NOTHING funny about Cheeto Bandito.


Last edited by Lurker on Wed May 03, 2017 9:58 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon May 01, 2017 9:41 pm

Trump asked, "What caused the Civil War" (He's a dumb ass)


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Wed May 03, 2017 6:43 pm

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”


   “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

   “Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

   “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.


   “Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

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LOL!!!

Post by Lurker on Wed May 03, 2017 9:57 pm

An elderly man was very ill, and lay in his bed fully expecting to die at any time. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

The smell was so overwhelming that he somehow managed to gather his remaining strength to lift himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, agony, and pain from the excursion, he leaned against the kitchen door frame for rest and gazed into the room. Were it not for his physical pain he would have thought himself already in heaven because there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted as he began to imagine the taste of the wondrous cookies already in his mouth. The thought actually invigorated him, seemingly bringing him back to life. His old and aged hand slowly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she snapped. "They're for the funeral."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Wed May 03, 2017 10:20 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri May 05, 2017 10:14 pm

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider YOU, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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LOL

Post by Lurker on Sat May 13, 2017 8:10 pm

A Chicago man fled the icy streets and snowy weather for a Miami vacation. His wife was on a business trip and was planning on meeting him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he decided to email the wife. He didn't have her email written down so he tried to type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed it by one letter and his note was directed to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, she met out a piercing scream, fainted and fell to the floor.
When her family heard the THUMP, they rushed into the room where she lay and read this note on the widow's screen:
Dearest wife,
Just got checked in. Everything's prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. You won't believe how hot it is down here.

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Satire LOL

Post by Lurker on Tue May 16, 2017 9:55 pm

http://www.theonion.com/article/fbi-declassifies-j-edgar-hoovers-extensive-file-mu-56018?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds

WASHINGTON—Unsealing the dossier after nearly 50 years, the Federal Bureau of Investigation declassified former director J. Edgar Hoover’s extensive file on the Munster family, sources confirmed Monday. “These 3,600 documents reveal that the California monster family were of significant interest to J. Edgar Hoover during his extrajudicial intelligence-gathering campaigns,” said Andrew Jewett, an American History professor at Harvard, adding that from 1964-66 the FBI chief had obtained numerous tapes of the Munsters and instructed federal agents to transcribe all conversations of the 1313 Mockingbird Lane residents. “According to multiple letters to officials, Hoover suspected that Munster family patriarch Vladimir Dracula or ‘Grandpa’ was a communist working in his dungeon laboratory to develop chemical weapons to use on American soldiers and civilians. He was also convinced they were using the tower at Munster Mansion to send coded messages to either the Soviets or radical dissident political groups.” Several documents also reportedly showed that Hoover had directed FBI agents to follow the Munster Koach and to recruit niece Marilyn Munster as an informant.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sat May 27, 2017 4:32 pm

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

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Pentagon Officials Scramble To Change Nuclear Code From ‘Covfefe’

Post by Lurker on Thu Jun 01, 2017 9:57 pm

Satire. Funny!

http://babylonbee.com/news/pentagon-officials-scramble-change-nuclear-code-covfefe/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—While social media rumors ran wild Wednesday about what Fake President Trump’s accidentally tweeted word “covfefe” meant, Pentagon officials hurriedly changed over hundred of lines of coding in the nuclear missile launch system to remove the word as one of the key passwords to launch a nuclear strike.

“We’re all just glad everyone thought it was an honest spelling error, or some kind of autocorrect fail,” stated Secretary of Defense James Mattis. “I recently said on Face the Nation that nothing keeps me awake at night. That was false. This very scenario keeps me awake at night.”

“President Trump’s Twitter account keeps me awake at night,” he added.

Phones were reportedly ringing off the hook at Strategic Command in Omaha as the new code was relayed to the entire chain of command including all of America’s ballistic missile silos and underwater nuclear-armed submarines.

“We had to change out all the secret laminated code cards and everything,” Mattis added. “I just really hope he doesn’t tweet out the new code,” he said as he refreshed Trump’s Twitter feed, praying the President had not posted anything in the last few minutes.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by eddie on Thu Jun 01, 2017 10:01 pm

Hahahahahahahaha now that's funny!

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by nicko on Fri Jun 02, 2017 6:07 am

Why do you and others refer to Trump as "fake President" as far as I can see he was sworn as President in front of hundred of millions of people.
There's nothing fake about that. Saying that, the mans a bloody disgrace to the office of President, BUT, he's still the elected PRESIDENT.
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Fri Jun 02, 2017 4:01 pm

nicko wrote:Why do you and others refer to Trump as "fake President"   as far as I can see he was sworn as President in front of hundred of millions of people.
There's nothing fake about that.  Saying that,  the mans a bloody disgrace to the office of President,  BUT,  he's still the elected PRESIDENT.

Which doesn't mean much since he took office. Shall we be more descriptive and less derogatory? Say, Terrorist President Trump?

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Wed Jun 07, 2017 2:06 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sun Jun 11, 2017 1:45 pm

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August"

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GROAN!

Post by Lurker on Wed Jun 14, 2017 12:22 am

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle whose given name was 'One Stone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him that.
After years and years of torment, One Stone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me One Stone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, One Stone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that One Stone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw One Stone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, One Stone."
One Stone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, where he made love to her all day. He made love to her all night. He made love to her all the next day, and he made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why???
OH, come on, take a guess!
Think about it,
You're going to love this.
Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Birds with One Stone!!!

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Jun 15, 2017 9:51 pm

"No, really. I did take you to our leader!"


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sun Jun 25, 2017 1:55 pm

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri Jun 30, 2017 1:32 pm

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mum I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied ", my body is yours to explore but down there I am still mourning.
He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Jul 06, 2017 2:08 pm

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together, they were inseparable. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty badly. You better roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Stanley". The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and also said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "no, it ain't Stanley". The mortician asked, "How can you tell by just having him turned over?" Gomer said, "Well, Stanley had two assholes, and this body only has one". "What the hell do you mean he had two assholes?" Asked the mortician. "Yup, he does! We have never seen them, but everybody used to say, "there goes Stanley with them two assholes"

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Groan

Post by Lurker on Fri Jul 14, 2017 2:02 am

A bear walks into a bar in Boise, Idaho and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Boise."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him "WE don't serve beer to bears in bars in Boise." The bear, very angry now, says "if you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender, once again says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Boise."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Boise that are on drugs." The bear says; "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says yes you are, that was a "Bar-Bitch-You-Ate."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri Jul 14, 2017 1:26 pm

BREAKING NEWS !!

Teacher Arrested

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

...Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Wed Jul 19, 2017 2:51 pm

Friend of a friend was entering Australia, going through customs.

Them: "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

Him: "I didn't know it was still a requirement!"

They eventually did let him in, but they were clearly not happy with him.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon Jul 24, 2017 2:35 pm

The Urinal Is Too High--

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th

graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."

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Ha. Ha, Ha

Post by Lurker on Tue Jul 25, 2017 2:13 pm

A woman goes to her doctor's office,to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off,they won't scrape off,and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem,and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later,the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says,"You're perfectly healthy-there's no problem. But I'm wondering was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?"
The woman stammers,"Why,yes,but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings are not real gold"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Jul 25, 2017 6:26 pm

This is humorous but too true, too...



Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills
back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the
can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!

Author unknown...

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by nicko on Tue Jul 25, 2017 6:47 pm

That could be me !!
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Jul 27, 2017 2:38 pm

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Aug 03, 2017 2:09 pm

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Aug 03, 2017 2:31 pm

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri Aug 04, 2017 1:20 pm

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon Aug 14, 2017 2:07 am

A guy goes into the Broomfield, Colorado Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the
regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at
10:00 am every day.
"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?
"This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our balls.
No point in your coming in for that."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by nicko on Mon Aug 14, 2017 6:34 am

Laughing
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Aug 17, 2017 12:30 am

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does
not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the
man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got
bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and
almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to
have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but
surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll
know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American
docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need
amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. it Faw off by itself.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Aug 17, 2017 12:32 am

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick”!
The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:
LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”
POLE: An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.
LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?”
POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.”
LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?”
POLE: No, We have a carport and don’t need a grudge.
LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”
LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.
LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?”
POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.”
LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”
POLE: “She going to kill me!”
LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”
POLE: “I got proof.”
LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”
POLE: “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say “Polish Remover”

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon Aug 21, 2017 10:10 pm

"Son : Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl.
Father : That's great son. Who is she?
Son : It's sassy, the neighbour's daughter.
Father : Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. sassy is actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out; but a couple of months later :
Son : Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
Father : That's great son. Who is she?
Son : It's Angela, the other neighbour's daughter.
Father : Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister. This went on couple of times and son was so mad, He went straight to his mother crying.
Son : Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately and says : My love, You can date whoever you want. HE IS NOT YOUR FATHER...."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Sep 07, 2017 6:40 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon Sep 11, 2017 2:19 pm

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Sep 13, 2017 6:10 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by eddie on Wed Sep 13, 2017 7:37 am

Holy Fuck. Shocked

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Fri Sep 15, 2017 6:57 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri Sep 15, 2017 4:21 pm

Tom propose to Julia, but prior to her acceptance Julia confess to Tom about a childhood illness. Julia informed Tom that she has the breasts of a 12 year old. Tom stated that it was nothing, because he loved her. “I too have a problem, he said My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” Julia said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Julia & Tom got married and they could not wait so Tom whisked Julia off to their honeymoon suite where they started touching, teasing and holding one another. As Julia put her hands in Tom’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Tom ran after her to find out what was wrong. Julia said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” Tom: “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

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Re: Joke of the day

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