Joke of the day

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Joke of the day

Post by Andy on Tue May 13, 2014 8:18 pm

First topic message reminder :

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, He says " sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that the lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.The first nun says, " I want to be Sophia Loren" and poof she is gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she is gone.The third says " I want to be Sara Pipilini.St Peter looks perplexed. "Who" he asked."Sara Pipilini " replies the nun.St Peter shakes his head and says " I am sorry but that name does not ring a bell"The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing, he hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says " it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months". 





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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue Aug 30, 2016 1:59 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue Aug 30, 2016 2:00 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Tue Aug 30, 2016 2:58 am

veya_victaous wrote:

The cantilever truss support on the bottom is really unnecessary, unless it's an older model. Newer models of water pumps on the Toyota Tocoma have more stamna and are longer lasting, without dysfunction problems.

Women in particular claim that the ride is smooth and copacetic.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Sep 01, 2016 6:58 pm

Dear Management,

I, The Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
the following
reasons:

I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment don't get paid
overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor
ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Please review my request.

Yours sincerely

Mr Penis

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request
for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work
periods
You do not always follow the orders of the
management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and
often visit other
areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be
pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety
regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before
you have completed the day's work

And if that were not all, you have been seen
constantly entering
and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious
looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by nicko on Thu Sep 01, 2016 7:06 pm

I LOVE IT!
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Fri Sep 02, 2016 2:03 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Fri Sep 02, 2016 4:43 am

Hilarious. There's gotta be one by the squirrel, who resents the birds who get to the feeder before him.


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by nicko on Fri Sep 02, 2016 5:59 am

Got to say Veya, that was good and very near the truth!
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue Sep 13, 2016 5:36 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Jules on Fri Sep 16, 2016 1:39 pm

James Bond spoof.  Produced by Guy Ritchie!  Totally loving it.

The hilarious cheesy puns left me in .............. well  ................... stitches!

...............................  after a fashion!



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Re: Joke of the day

Post by eddie on Tue Sep 20, 2016 11:56 pm



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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Sep 27, 2016 8:44 pm

A guy opens a bar on Mars. Customer walks in, orders a beer.
"That will be $160"
"A $160 for one beer?"
"Well, what you are really paying for is the atmosphere".

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Fri Oct 07, 2016 1:25 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Nov 10, 2016 4:25 am

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."



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Re: Joke of the day

Post by eddie on Thu Nov 10, 2016 9:53 pm



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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Sun Nov 13, 2016 10:12 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Sun Nov 13, 2016 10:40 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Mon Nov 14, 2016 3:15 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Mon Nov 14, 2016 3:58 am



I gonna miss Biden Sad

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Mon Nov 14, 2016 3:58 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Mon Nov 14, 2016 4:48 am






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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Nov 17, 2016 12:20 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Nov 17, 2016 12:22 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Nov 17, 2016 12:56 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Nov 17, 2016 12:56 am

This Biden meme is For Eddie


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Nov 17, 2016 1:04 am




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Re: Joke of the day

Post by eddie on Thu Nov 17, 2016 1:00 pm

veya_victaous wrote:This Biden meme is For Eddie



Hahahahahahaha I like that

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Fri Nov 18, 2016 2:58 am

10 facts about the Trump protests that will make you say "Hey, those aren't 10 facts about the Trump protests that's just a picture of a dog in a cowboy hat!"



punchline:




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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Fri Nov 18, 2016 3:00 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Fri Nov 18, 2016 3:00 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Nov 24, 2016 11:36 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon Mar 13, 2017 9:45 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Mar 16, 2017 12:54 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Fred Moletrousers on Fri Mar 17, 2017 9:42 am

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kind of ****** off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads, “he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... For his weenie, which was still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, Okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses ‘cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.
"Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies. "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off................. "Just follow the yellow-prick toad!!"

If you've had time to sit and read all the way through that, your morning is turning out to be just as boring as mine.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Fri Mar 17, 2017 10:07 am

It was good, Fred. Brought a delightful chuckle.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by nicko on Fri Mar 17, 2017 11:17 am

Worth it in the end Fred !
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Fred Moletrousers on Fri Mar 17, 2017 12:24 pm

Original Quill wrote:It was good, Fred.  Brought a delightful chuckle.
I'm glad, Quill. I pinched it from my Land Rover club site...they usually talk about nowt else but replacement bulkheads, re-building ancient Series 1's and the shame of having to be towed out of a muddy ditch by a Jeep!!!
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon Mar 20, 2017 5:31 pm

Teacher: what's wrong?
Johnny: our house is very small, Me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad ask if I'm sleeping,
I say No then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye.
Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.Mad
The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.
Teacher: My goodness why the swelling?
Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping...
I shut up an kept dead still.
Then my dad & mom start moving, u know, Mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up an making moaning noises.
Then my dad asked my mom, "R u coming?"
Mom said, "Yes, I'm coming, r u coming too?" Dad answer: "Yes."
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me,
I'm coming too.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Mar 21, 2017 12:42 pm

Two ladies talking in Heaven:
1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible !
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and died a peaceful death. And you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him by himself in the living room watching TV.
1st woman: so what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement, then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds, I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive today !!!

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Mar 21, 2017 3:01 pm

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3.Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Wed Mar 22, 2017 4:17 pm

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $100 bill in it. Now there are 100 $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sun Mar 26, 2017 4:46 pm

Ben on his wedding night calls his father to get some tips on what to do since he had never been with a woman
before.....? "So what do I do first?"
His father replies: "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed".
5 minutes later Ben is on the phone again. "She's naked and in bed what do I do now?"
His father can't believe what he is hearing, "Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her."
After another 5 minutes Ben is on the phone again. "Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?" His father's patience is now running out so he says, "son, do I have to spell everything out to you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees...... Good night"!
Just when his father starts snoring, Ben is on the phone again. "OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"
"Drown yourself, you bloody idiot!"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by nicko on Sun Mar 26, 2017 4:51 pm

Good jokes Lurker, much better than your obsession with Trump,
keep the jokes coming mate.
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Mar 30, 2017 4:24 pm

One day, a man called his wife to let her know that his boss had asked him to come on a fishing trip in Canada with some friends. He told his wife that he thought it would be a great move for his career and that he thought he should go.

The man’s wife agreed to let him go, so he asked her to pack his bag as they were leaving the office and heading out from there. He specifically asked his wife to pack his new blue silk pajamas.

The wife knew something was odd about the trip and about her husband’s request, but she packed everything that he asked for and had it ready for him to come pick up before leaving on the trip.

After being gone for a week, the husband returned home and his wife asked if he had a good time and if he caught any fish.

“You bet we did! We caught pike and walleye – tons of fish!” he told his wife. “We spent all day out on the lake and had fish every night for dinner. It was fantastic.”

The husband then mentioned that his wife forgot one little thing.

“You forgot to pack my pajamas like I asked, though,” he said.

“No I didn’t,” his wife replied. “I put them in your tackle box.”

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri Mar 31, 2017 12:37 am

A Cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife.

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old can no longer satisfy.

I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife, however, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight".

When the man came home late that night he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:

*My Dear Husband,*
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 18
years old.

You being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference;

*18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.*

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

THE HUSBAND FAINTED

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri Mar 31, 2017 3:00 am

This works better than Trumpcare!


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by nicko on Fri Mar 31, 2017 5:31 am

That was brilliant !
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Fri Mar 31, 2017 5:37 am

that is a brilliant solution for health care Razz Razz Razz Razz


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sun Apr 02, 2017 9:18 pm

An Indian Chief was asked by a U.S. government official: “You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress and the damage he’s done.”

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the government official and then replied, “When they came here, there was no tax, no debt, plenty of food, clean water. Women did all the work, medicine was free. We spent all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.”

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, “Only the white man was dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.”

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon Apr 03, 2017 7:12 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

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