Joke of the day

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Joke of the day

Post by Angry Andy on Tue May 13, 2014 8:18 pm

First topic message reminder :

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, He says " sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that the lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.The first nun says, " I want to be Sophia Loren" and poof she is gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she is gone.The third says " I want to be Sara Pipilini.St Peter looks perplexed. "Who" he asked."Sara Pipilini " replies the nun.St Peter shakes his head and says " I am sorry but that name does not ring a bell"The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing, he hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says " it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months". 





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The Duck

Post by Lurker on Fri Dec 25, 2015 2:37 pm

A duck walks into a pub, calls the barman and orders a ham sandwich and pint of beer.

The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck”.

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck a pint.

“It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer”.

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read It. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the paper and everything!”

“Sounds marvellous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call”.

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub, the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money”.

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” asks the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” The duck asks again. “With the big tent?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” asks the duck.

“Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..

“What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!”

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sat Dec 26, 2015 3:31 am

An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

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Musical Humor

Post by Lurker on Tue Dec 29, 2015 2:59 pm

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Tue Dec 29, 2015 5:01 pm

Lurker wrote:C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

Who said E-flat was a minor anyway?

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Wed Dec 30, 2015 1:35 am

Jesus walks into a bar and says, "I'll just have a glass of water."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Wed Dec 30, 2015 3:38 pm

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri Jan 01, 2016 3:27 pm

Gilbert Gottfried:

A bum sits next to a nun on a bus. The nun says, 'You're going to Hell'. The bum says "Oh, fuck. I'm on the wrong bus!"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Jan 12, 2016 6:58 pm

Back on January 4th, a group of Ocala Florida bikers were riding east on Hwy.40 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Blackwater Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering tongue swapping kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by nicko on Tue Jan 12, 2016 8:32 pm

That was excellent.
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Tue Jan 12, 2016 8:33 pm

Lurker wrote:Gilbert Gottfried:

A bum sits next to a nun on a bus. The nun says, 'You're going to Hell'. The bum says "Oh, fuck. I'm on the wrong bus!"

cheers cheers cheers

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sat Jan 16, 2016 2:35 pm

This was posted as a true story, but who knows.... It's still funny.

A kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put his boots on. He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she was nearly out of breath.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than scream, “Why didn’t you say so earlier?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, Now, where are your gloves?”

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Jan 19, 2016 3:29 am

Southern Divorce
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Jan 19, 2016 4:10 am

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue Jan 19, 2016 4:27 am

We should ALL convertto Sithrak the Blind Gibberer... seem much more logical


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue Jan 19, 2016 4:31 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Jan 21, 2016 2:49 pm

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

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Very Old Joke

Post by Lurker on Fri Jan 22, 2016 12:08 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Feb 04, 2016 7:23 pm

A man and his wife decided to take their young son with them to a nudist beach... After playing in the sand for a while the little boy runs up to mommy and asks:
"why does that lady have bigger boobs than you mommy"?
She replied:
" those women with big boobs are just silly girls. Don't pay any attention to them"..
A little while later the little boy runs back up to mommy and asks:
" mommy why does that guy have a bigger dingaling than daddy"?
She replied, "those men with big dingalings are just dumb guys. Don't pay any attention to them"
About a half an hour goes by and the little boy comes running up to mommy and says:
"Mommy!!! That silly girl is talking to daddy and the longer she talks the dumber he gets"!!!!!

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Feb 18, 2016 4:33 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon Feb 29, 2016 2:19 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue Mar 01, 2016 4:22 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue Mar 01, 2016 11:40 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue Mar 01, 2016 11:43 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lord Foul on Wed Mar 02, 2016 12:43 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Mar 02, 2016 12:53 am

heard it beofre but an excellent one Vic Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sat Mar 05, 2016 7:07 pm

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville, MS Daily
and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, Well, then just give us our money
back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We sure can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy
at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made
a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two
dollars back."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Mar 22, 2016 3:42 am

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter “Want coffee.”

The waiter says “Whoa, Tonto!!! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

“Training for position in United States Congress…Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Tue Mar 22, 2016 5:00 am

A man is in his deathbed, and his family gathers 'round -- his wife; his oldest son, tall with light-blonde hair; his second child, a daughter, tall with ash-blonde hair; his third, another girl, tall with sandy-blonde hair; and his youngest, a boy, short and stout with jet-black hair.

The man beckons for his wife. "Honey," he says, "please be honest. Is our youngest child really mine?"

She strokes his head gently and says, "I swear to God, he is, my love." Then he dies.

The wife then mutters to herself, "Thank goodness he didn't ask about the other three ..."
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Mon Apr 04, 2016 2:11 am

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Mon Apr 04, 2016 2:13 am

Stormee wrote: lol! lol! lol!

You do realise that is the old version of Rouge (probably the most popular female X-men)
they reduced her powers cause basically she can kick Superman ass any day of the week.
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Courtroom Drama

Post by Lurker on Wed Apr 06, 2016 5:27 pm

This was said to be a true story.....

Q: “Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?”

A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”

Q: “Officer — who provided this description?”

A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”

Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”

A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”

Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”

A: “Yes sir, we do!”

Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”

A: “Yes sir, I do.”

Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”

A: “Yes sir.”

Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”

A: “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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Never mess with the elderly!

Post by Lurker on Tue Apr 26, 2016 4:05 pm

An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the aged couple and gave them the keys.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I wouldn't have a problem getting the idiot to reduce the price.
See you later, grandpa.”
Today's Moral: Never mess with the elderly!




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Re: Joke of the day

Post by captain on Tue Apr 26, 2016 7:14 pm

Smile


Last edited by captainJane on Tue Apr 26, 2016 7:17 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by captain on Tue Apr 26, 2016 7:16 pm

Lurker wrote:An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the aged couple and gave them the keys.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I wouldn't have a problem getting the idiot to reduce the price.
See you later, grandpa.”
Today's Moral: Never mess with the elderly!




Smile Like it a lot. cheers
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue May 03, 2016 1:52 am

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble... At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. 'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree..

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue May 03, 2016 2:15 am

that last on shouldn't be a joke.
it's accurate, it belongs amoung the great moral lessons.
I would support a bible full of lesson like that.


I have always said the Biblical Heaven cannot be heaven since it has no pets (animals don't have souls according to the bible) I can remeber beign about 8 or 9 and have a vehement argument with a scripture teacher that her heaven was crap, not a good place at all since it had no dogs.
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by nicko on Tue May 03, 2016 5:45 am

Lurka,you already have a green, have another one!
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue May 03, 2016 5:50 am

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Engineer in Hell

Post by Lurker on Fri May 13, 2016 2:31 pm

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue May 24, 2016 6:19 am


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We don't know the Questions... does that means we cannot seek the Answers?
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue May 24, 2016 6:20 am


_________________
My job is to travel the world delivering Chaos and Candy.

We don't know the Questions... does that means we cannot seek the Answers?
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Zen Sarcasm

Post by Lurker on Sat Jun 11, 2016 1:14 pm

Zen Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor' s newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you 're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed..... .skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
17. There are two theories to arguing with a woman - Neither one works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butts. Then things get worse.
23. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
24. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
25. No one is listening until you break wind.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Jun 11, 2016 3:39 pm

 
I'm for sure snagging a copy of this one; TY many times over Lurker ...that was PRIMO!

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sun Jun 12, 2016 2:30 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sun Jun 12, 2016 3:04 pm

lol! lol! lol! lol!

Your jokes always make me laugh, save them up to tell OH.

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Re: Joke of the day

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