Joke of the day

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Joke of the day

Post by Andy on Tue May 13, 2014 8:18 pm

First topic message reminder :

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, He says " sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that the lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.The first nun says, " I want to be Sophia Loren" and poof she is gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she is gone.The third says " I want to be Sara Pipilini.St Peter looks perplexed. "Who" he asked."Sara Pipilini " replies the nun.St Peter shakes his head and says " I am sorry but that name does not ring a bell"The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing, he hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says " it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months". 





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Re: Joke of the day

Post by captain on Sun Sep 13, 2015 3:01 am

Smile https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fthiswastv.files.wordpress.com%2F2012%2F10%2Fbasil_eye.png&f=1

Bother, I can't for the life of me put this picture in. Mad
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sun Sep 13, 2015 3:47 am

Here you go, Jane!


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue Sep 15, 2015 2:25 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Wed Sep 16, 2015 3:40 pm

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb... It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 6-year-old first-graders, because the last one is a classic!

1.
Don't change horses
until they stop running.
2.
Strike while the
bug is close.
3.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.
4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but
How?
6.
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.
7.
No news is
impossible
8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.
9.
You can't teach an old dog new
Math
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.
11.
Love all, trust
Me.
12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.
13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.
14..
Where there's smoke there's
pollution.
15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.
16.
A penny saved is
not much.
17.
Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.
18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.
19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.
20..
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.
23.
You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box
24..
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.
25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.
26..
Better late than
Pregnant

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Sep 16, 2015 11:07 pm

LOL those are hilarious
2, 17 and 24 are my favorites

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Sep 17, 2015 4:34 am


30 Actual Sentences Found In Patients Hospital Charts.


1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

3. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by DR. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Sep 17, 2015 5:24 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Sep 17, 2015 5:54 am

For Lurker Quill Ben and any other Americans

http://somerichasshole.com/
There's a browser add-on that replaces "Donald Trump" with "Some Rich Asshole". Reading the news is so much better with it. Available for Chrome & Firefox:




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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Sep 17, 2015 11:11 pm

LOL!

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Sep 30, 2015 4:53 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri Oct 02, 2015 4:22 am

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
(While you're at it get you hearing checked)

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Thanks to Stretchman

Post by Lurker on Thu Oct 08, 2015 4:56 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Oct 08, 2015 7:06 pm


Stephan Pastis - Pearls Before Swine


A young lady named Patricia Whack showed up very nervous for her first day as a bank teller. As she was sitting behind a window, her first customer hopped onto the counter, a frog. To her amazement, the frog spoke to her, asking to borrow some money to upgrade his pond. She asked the frog his name and he responded "Kermit the frog, my father is the famous rock star, Mick Jaegger" She said that they would need collateral for the loan and Kermit the frog handed her a snow globe with a Christmas scene. Not sure as to how to proceed, she excused herself, went to her manager and explained the situation and asked what to do with the snow globe. The manager responded, "It's a knick-knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a Rolling Stone"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Oct 08, 2015 8:58 pm

The Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris was looking for a replacement for the hunchback. A man who was born with no arms came to apply for the job. The rector took one look at him and said "You can't ring a bell with no arms." The man insisted that he be given a fair chance to demostrate what he could do. So they went up to the top of the bell tower, and the man ran toward the bell and hit it with his face. BONG! He staggered back, his nose bleeding, and then lunged toward the bell once again. BONG! Two teeth fell out. A third time, he ran face-first into the bell BONG! And then he staggered right out the window, falling to the pavement below. A crowd starts gathering, and people were asking, "Who is this guy?" Someone in the back answered, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, his twin brother shows up to take his brother's place, and before long, he too is laying dead on the pavement. And again, a crowd started gathering, asking who it was. And someone in back answered "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sat Oct 10, 2015 5:08 pm

A Tennessee State trooper pulled a car over on I-26 about 2 miles South of Johnson City, Tennessee. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the drive...r said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Nashville to do a show for the Childrens Hospital. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from Butler, Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:31 pm

I have heard that the latest batch of euro notes are to be printed on......
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greece proof paper

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:32 pm

A moslem was shot in birmingham today with a starting pistol

police say it's definitely a "race " issue

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:34 pm

Ikea have invented a bed just for lesbians. Takes no time to put together. Theres no screwing, it's all tongue and groove.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:36 pm

Little Billy brings his bag into class with him instead of leaving it in the cloakroom.

The teacher notices that the bag is moving so she goes over and opens it.

Inside is a cat so the teacher says "Billy, why have you brought your cat to school?"

Billy tearfully replies "As I was walking past my Mum and Dad's bedroom this morning I heard my dad say "When Billy goes to school, I'm going to eat that pussy!"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:36 pm

A little old lady was in the park, throwing a stick into the boating lake for her Yorkshire terrier to retrieve.

Unfortunately the dog got into difficulty, and started labouring in the water, sinking, and
then coming back up to the surface.

As the old lady was crying out, a Jewish gentleman saw the predicament, and without further ado, removed his jacket, then his waistcoat, folded them into a neat pile. and placed his hat on top.

He then dived into the water, swam out to where the dog was last seen, went under, and emerged with the 'lifeless' terrier. Swimming back to the bank, he then applied artificial respiration, then 'mouth to mouth', eventually the dog gave a little shudder, then a growl, and then started running around.

The old lady was quite overwhelmed, "That was truly wonderful, how can I thank you, are you a Vet"

And the old Jewish gentleman said, "Am I a Vet, i'm f#ck'ng soaked"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:39 pm

A little lad walks into the bathroom just as his mum's getting out of the bath.

He stares at her nether regions and asks...

"Mummy, what's that?"

Startled and feeling a little bit on the spot his mum quickly replied...

"it's... it's... it's a sponge son"

The boy replied...

"Oh yeah, the lady next door has got one of those".

Quite baffled by this the boys mother asked him how he came to know this and the boy replied...

"Well... I went around there the other day to find dad and when I looked in through the window the lady next door was washing his face!"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:40 pm

A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in an Armani® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Samsung S5® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his ipad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:41 pm

you have to come from yorkshire to "get" this

I called for a pint last night, the place was full of men dancing around thrusting their hips forward....

I said to the barman, "This is'nt a Gay Bar is it"

And he said, "No, it's T'werking Mens Club".....................

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:43 pm

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:43 pm

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:46 pm

What deep thinkers we men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.

Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know,
I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:47 pm


The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “Quickie” with their 8 -year old son in the flat,
was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;

‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted.
‘An ambulance just drove past’
‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out.
‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’
‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’
‘Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced,
‘The Coopers are having a shag!
Startled , his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’

‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:48 pm

Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur :
" You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
" You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola,
”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered,
his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

" My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.
The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky,
the wife gave me a slap - up meal and the daughter made love to me."

" What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.
" I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them,

I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:52 pm


A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by stardesk on Sun Oct 11, 2015 9:25 pm

Animal Antics.

A little funny one I made up this morning when I passed a field of chickens.
“Ooh cluck!” Said the chicken, seeing a big cock eyeing her up. “I’ll feather my nest and egg him on. Ooooh, aaah, cluck cluck cluck!”

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Fri Oct 23, 2015 1:30 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Oct 27, 2015 1:09 am

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Oct 27, 2015 1:19 pm

“I thought my vasectomy

would keep my wife

from getting pregnant,

but apparently it just

changes the color of the baby.”

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Oct 27, 2015 10:05 pm

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sat Oct 31, 2015 1:37 pm

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Nov 03, 2015 3:28 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Wed Nov 04, 2015 12:22 am

Your jokes always make my OH laugh Lurker.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Nov 04, 2015 3:51 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Nov 04, 2015 3:57 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Nov 11, 2015 12:34 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Nov 11, 2015 2:36 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Nov 11, 2015 2:48 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Fri Nov 20, 2015 12:42 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Nov 24, 2015 3:20 pm

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’

The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So am I!’

‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’

The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’

The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’

The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.

Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’

‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’


*******************************************************************************************************************
Two construction workers were doing some work on a street in Dublin close to a well-known house of ill-repute. As they worked, a well-known Methodist minister went to the door, looked around, and quickly slipped in.

"Ah, if that isn't a shame," said one.

"Aye, tis givin' religion a bad name, it is," said his friend.

They continued working and a Rabbi approached the building, quickly looked around, and entered.

"Ach, tis no wonder the world is in the shape it is when one of the clergy be actin' suchly," said one.

"Tis true, tis true," replied his friend. They continued their work, and a Catholic priest approached the house, looked around, and entered. The two workers stood there for a few moments collecting their thoughts. "Now that is a shame, that is, " said one. "Aye. One of the poor lasses must be dying and has called for last rites," said his friend. "Pity."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Dec 01, 2015 5:15 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Tue Dec 01, 2015 7:39 pm

Lurker wrote:

And after that you declined the sex?? Well, you were right to...Comet is much better.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Tue Dec 01, 2015 11:50 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Dec 02, 2015 12:58 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Wed Dec 02, 2015 6:32 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon Dec 07, 2015 1:25 pm


A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

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