Joke of the day

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Joke of the day

Post by Angry Andy on Tue May 13, 2014 8:18 pm

First topic message reminder :

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, He says " sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that the lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.The first nun says, " I want to be Sophia Loren" and poof she is gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she is gone.The third says " I want to be Sara Pipilini.St Peter looks perplexed. "Who" he asked."Sara Pipilini " replies the nun.St Peter shakes his head and says " I am sorry but that name does not ring a bell"The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing, he hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says " it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months". 





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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Feb 04, 2015 2:48 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Tue Feb 10, 2015 10:26 pm

Londoner walks into a pub, takes a seat with a sigh and says to the bartender, "Pour me up two pints, it's been a rough day at work."

"Oh really, what do you do for a living?" the bartender asks.

"I take care of the Corgis that the Royal Family owns," the guy says.

"Tough work, eh?" the bartender says, skeptically.

"Well, all the inbreeding has led to bad temperament and low intelligence," the guy says. "The dogs are little bastards, too."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Wed Feb 11, 2015 12:40 am

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter's morning;
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back;
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later;
"Computer really screwed now."*

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Wed Feb 11, 2015 5:22 pm

darknessss wrote:'The Surrogate'


After a long period of trying, The Jones found out they were unable to conceive children. So they decided to use a surrogate father to start their new family. It was Friday and the proxy father was scheduled to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife goodbye and said, Well, Im off now. The guy should be here soon.
About fifteen minutes later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good Afternoon, he said, Ive come to
Oh, no need for you to explain sir, Mrs. Jones cut in, embarrassed, Ive been expecting you.
Oh really? said the photographer. Well, thats great! Did you know babies are my specialty?
Well thats what my husband John and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat on the couch
After a few moments of silence she asked, blushing, Well, where do we start?
Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.
Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didnt work out for John and me!
Well, Im sorry Maam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, Im sure youll be pleased with the results.
My, thats a lot! gasped Mrs. Jones.
In my line of work a man has to take his time. Id love to be in and out in five minutes, but Im sure youd be disappointed with that.
Dont I know it, said Mrs. Jones quietly.
The photographer opened his bag and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. This was done on the top of a school bus, he said.
Oh my Goodness! Mrs. Jones exclaimed.
And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the mom was annoying and difficult to work with.
She was difficult? asked Mrs. Jones.
Yes, Maam. I finally had to take her to the playground to get the job done right. People were crowding around five and six deep to get a good look.
Five and six deep? said Mrs. Jones, her eyes wide as they can be.
Yes, the photographer replied. And It was for more than two hours, too. The mom was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.
Mrs. Jones leaned forward. WHAT? Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um equipment?
OMG!, yes Well, if youre ready, Ill set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.
Tripod?!?!?!
Ummmm yes, Maam. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. Its much too heavy to be held in the hand very long.
With that, Mrs. Jones fainted.

Brilliant! Laughing  x

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri Feb 13, 2015 4:39 pm

Humans have "doggie style".

He sits up and begs, she rolls over and plays dead.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Fri Feb 13, 2015 5:29 pm

Text messages from the heart!

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"   All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"   Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.   The women then were told to take out their cell phones and text to their  husband: "I love you, sweetheart."   The women then were instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response to their message.

 Below are 11 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
 
 1. Who the hell is this?
 
 2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
 
 3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
 
 4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
 
 5. I don't understand what you mean?
 
 6. What the hell did you do now?
 
 7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
 
 8. Am I dreaming?
 
 9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
 
 10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
 
 11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?  

Brings a tug at the heart, doesn't it?!

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Fri Feb 13, 2015 5:31 pm


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Fri Feb 13, 2015 5:33 pm

lol! lol!

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Fri Feb 13, 2015 5:34 pm

I liked it, kinda my view as well.

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Biker Joke

Post by Lurker on Tue Feb 24, 2015 2:03 am

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Mar 11, 2015 2:58 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Mar 12, 2015 9:08 pm

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her scooter and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in..

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?’ Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

'OK' he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said ' On your way, Ma'am. '

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his ’Richard' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Mar 18, 2015 3:26 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Mar 24, 2015 1:07 am

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100 then..."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Mon Mar 30, 2015 2:09 am

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Fri Apr 10, 2015 3:06 am

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?

Me out of breath with no shoes on: I'm not sure.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Fri Apr 10, 2015 9:10 am

Stolen from "Mad Men"

Hillbilly knocks on his new neighbor's door.

"Howdy, neighbor! In honor of you movin' into the holler, I'm throwin' a big party. Gonna be a whole lot o' drinkin', a whole lot o' dancin' and a whole lot o' screwin'!"

"Sounds like fun!" the neighbor replies. "What should I bring?"

"Bring whatever you want to," the hillbilly replies. "It's just goin' be you and me!"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Fri Apr 10, 2015 11:19 pm

These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only.



I love a good smart joke, even if they sometimes take me a minute to figure out. Here’s my favorite 20:

  1. It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally.
  2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
  3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!”
  4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”
  5. A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”
  6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”
  7. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!”
  8. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.”
  9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
  10. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be.
  11. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
  12. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
  13. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.”
  14. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”
  15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.
  16. Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t.
  17. A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.”
  18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.”
  19. A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.
  20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.


http://higherperspectives.com/jokes-for-intellectuals/

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Fri Apr 10, 2015 11:35 pm

Brasidas wrote:These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only.



I love a good smart joke, even if they sometimes take me a minute to figure out. Here’s my favorite 20:

  1. It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally.
  2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
  3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!”
  4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”
  5. A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”
  6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”
  7. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!”
  8. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.”
  9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
  10. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be.
  11. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
  12. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
  13. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.”
  14. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”
  15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.
  16. Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t.
  17. A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.”
  18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.”
  19. A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.
  20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.


http://higherperspectives.com/jokes-for-intellectuals/



very good didge

I can relate to a few of those......

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Fri Apr 10, 2015 11:37 pm

darknessss wrote:
Brasidas wrote:These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only.



I love a good smart joke, even if they sometimes take me a minute to figure out. Here’s my favorite 20:

  1. It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally.
  2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
  3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!”
  4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”
  5. A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”
  6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”
  7. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!”
  8. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.”
  9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
  10. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be.
  11. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
  12. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
  13. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.”
  14. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”
  15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.
  16. Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t.
  17. A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.”
  18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.”
  19. A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.
  20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.


http://higherperspectives.com/jokes-for-intellectuals/



very good didge

I can relate to a few of those......


lol I thought you might enjoy them Victor  Laughing
5 was one of my favorites

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Sun Apr 12, 2015 5:39 am

WIFE BEATS HUSBAND TO DEATH WITH HIS GUITAR COLECTION.
Judge asked her "First offender?"
She replied "No sir, first was the Epiphone, then his Gibson, THEN the Fender."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Tue Apr 14, 2015 5:33 pm

Irish Viagra
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.’
It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor?
‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’
‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!!!!
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Wed Apr 15, 2015 6:47 pm

Lurker wrote:Irish Viagra
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.’
It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor?
‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’
‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!!!!

Brilliant Lurker x

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Wed Apr 15, 2015 7:17 pm

Lurker wrote:WIFE BEATS HUSBAND TO DEATH WITH HIS GUITAR COLECTION.
Judge asked her "First offender?"
She replied "No sir, first was the Epiphone, then his Gibson, THEN the Fender."

That reminds me of something I saw on the SNL Best of Eddie Murphy compilation, where he and Piscopo are playing old friends at a bar, and Murphy's character announces he's gotten laid off and was thinking about going on welfare.

His friend asks him why, and Murphy's character says, "So people can ask me if I'm doing good, and I can say, 'Well, fair ...'" clown clown

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Thu Apr 16, 2015 10:21 pm

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Thu Apr 16, 2015 10:22 pm

Oh lord, I laughed, that's tragic Razz

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Original Quill on Fri Apr 17, 2015 5:51 am

darknessss wrote:The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

Lol...I suppose 'motor scooter' was out of the question.

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33 Actual Things Said On Church Bulletins…

Post by Lurker on Fri Apr 17, 2015 5:47 pm

1. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

4. Evening massage – 6 p.m.

5. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

6. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

7. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

8. Ushers will eat latecomers.

9. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

10. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

11. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

12. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

13. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

14. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”

15. Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

16. Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”

17. The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

18. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

19. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

20. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

21. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

22. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

23. Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

24. Hymn 43: “Great God, what do I see here?” Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: “Hark! an awful voice is sounding”

25. On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

26. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

27. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.

28. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

29. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary…

30. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

31. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

32. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

33. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Wed Apr 22, 2015 8:54 pm

Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque. "Good morning", says Ed, "could you please cash this cheque for me?"



Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?"

Miliband: "Truthfully. I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. But hang on! I'm Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!"

Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification".

Miliband: "Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!"

Cashier: "I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them".

Miliband: "I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me".

Cashier: "Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.

Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, "To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at."

Cashier: "Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Wed Apr 22, 2015 9:09 pm


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How To Deal With A Bad Day

Post by Lurker on Wed May 06, 2015 4:19 am

http://fb-troublemakers.com/deal-bad-day-65986

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri May 08, 2015 4:22 pm

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Mon May 11, 2015 6:51 am

Awesome one, Lurker.

An Englishman and an Irishman are driving down a foggy road one night and smash their cars head-on into one another. Each car is completely totaled, but miraculously, the drivers emerge without a scratch.

"I can't believe we're not hurt," the Englishman exclaims.

The Irishman agrees. "You know, we should settle this privately, and have a toast to celebrate the fact that we're alive!" He gets a bottle of whiskey from the trunk of his car and hands it to the Englishman, who gratefully accepts it and drinks half of it down in one swig.

"On second thought," the Irishman says, "I could just wait for the police."

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Blonde Joke

Post by Lurker on Wed May 20, 2015 12:27 am

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Wed May 20, 2015 12:51 am


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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Wed May 20, 2015 3:09 am

A man is driving through the countryside when he sees a farmer sitting next to a hand-printed sign that reads, "Talking Dog, $100." Thinking it's just some gimmick, he pulls over and asks the farmer to see the dog.

The farmer calls the dog out and says to the traveler, "Go on, ask him anything."

Feeling foolish, the man says, "So ... you can talk, huh?"

The dog says, "Indeed I can. I was just a puppy when I learned how to talk, and it's served me quite well. Nobody expects a dog to be able to talk, of course, so I became a spy.

"I was trained by the CIA and inserted deep into hostile territory in the Pashtun regions of Pakistan and Afghanistan, where I proceeded to infiltrate camps formed by the Taliban and al Qaida, gathering crucial intelligence which prevented several terrorist attacks. I did this for eight years, routinely feeding information back to my commanders, until the stress got to me and I retired. Now I live here with this simple farmer, happy in my obscurity."

The traveler turns to the farmer, amazed, and says, "Just the rights to a book or a movie about this dog would make you richer than you could imagine! Why are you selling it for just 100 dollars?"

The farmer says, "Because he's lying. He never did any of that shit."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu May 28, 2015 3:28 am

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.
What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'
Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'
Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'
Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'
Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?'
.
.
.
Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook. ! !

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Trucker, Lawyer, and A Priest

Post by Lurker on Wed Jun 03, 2015 2:54 am

Trucker, Lawyer, and A Priest

Trucker would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying “THUMP”, and then swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.

However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”

“I know”, replied the priest. “Lucky I got him with the door!”

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Wed Jun 03, 2015 8:30 am

Lurker wrote:Trucker, Lawyer, and A Priest

Trucker would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying “THUMP”, and then swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.

However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”

“I know”, replied the priest. “Lucky I got him with the door!”


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"Been in the business 60 years."

Post by Lurker on Wed Jun 03, 2015 2:47 pm

Joe had been suffering from terrible headaches for 20 years. He finally decided to go to the doctor, who gave him a thorough examination.
After Joe got dressed, the doctor came in and said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up
against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if, at age 45, he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said "Let's see, you're a size 42 long."

Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Joe was surprised. "How did you know."

"Been in the business 60 years."

The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said "Sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked,
"How about new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Wed Jun 03, 2015 8:38 pm

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Thu Jun 04, 2015 2:14 pm

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Fri Jun 05, 2015 12:47 pm

Lurker wrote:How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Love those Lurker

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Lurker on Fri Jun 05, 2015 4:48 pm

User: Computer is totally fuc*ed mate, can't do anything on Sage.
Me: I'll come and have a goosey gander in 5
** 5 Mins later **
Me: Show me the problem then...
User: Sage hangs when I type something in this field here
Me: Ok. S. not your whole system then
User: I dunno, I ain't a fu*cking techie, I know nothing about computers.
Me: No worries I'll sort it for you.
Me: Start > Run > CMD > shutdown -r -t 00
Me: Let me know when that comes back up mate.
User: What did you do?
Me: Cleared your cache and fixed a hole in the CPU which was over leaking.
User: Makes no fuc*ing sense to me but its working like a dream now.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:03 pm

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ......face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:36 pm

Belatucadros wrote:A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ......face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

now that is funny... Smile

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Mon Jun 08, 2015 5:59 pm

Lurker's missing wife joke reminded me of another one I love ...

An elderly woman is navigating her shopping cart through a crowded grocery store when another cart collides into hers. Startled, she looks up to see a young woman who looks nervous.

"Sorry," the young woman says. "I've been looking all over the store for my husband."

"Me too, actually," the older woman says. "He's 62, about five-eight with gray hair and kind of pudgy. Have you seen anyone like that?"

"Sorry, no," the younger woman says. "I think I lost my husband in the dairy aisle. He's 30, wearing a well-tailored suit, has dark brown hair, stands six-four and has a very athletic build."

The older woman points her cart toward the dairy aisle and races away, calling over her shoulder, "Come on, dear, we'll just retrace your steps."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Guest on Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:54 pm

the teacher addresses a class room full of kids,
"it's almost time to go home, what i will do is give a famous quote from history and whomever tells me who said it and when gets to leave"
"who said we will fight them on the beaches we will never surrender"?

young patel puts his hand up.." it was winston churchill in 1940 miss"

"very well done" says the teacher,

a voice from the back of the class shouts "sod off home you black  git"

the teacher yells "who said that"

little johnny at the back of the class shoots his hand in the air and says
"Enock powell 1968 miss"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Jun 11, 2015 12:55 am



http://www.loadingartist.com/comic/the-end-is-near/

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Re: Joke of the day

Post by veya_victaous on Thu Jun 11, 2015 3:59 am


_________________
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We don't know the Questions... does that means we cannot seek the Answers?
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Re: Joke of the day

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