Blaming Others for How We Manage Anger

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Post by eddie on Thu Jul 11, 2019 1:15 am

First topic message reminder :

I’ve watched this over the years, on forums and in real life.

The Function of Blaming Others:

As with destructive anger in general, blaming others for how we manage anger is a defensive strategy that helps us to avoid recognizing and experiencing difficult and challenging feelings such as shame, guilt, hurt, disappointment, sadness and feelings of inadequacy or powerlessness. Blaming is like other formal defense mechanisms–a strategy of deception that we use to help preserve our self-esteem. It encompasses an attempt to disown feelings that we judge to be too uncomfortable or part of ourselves that create within us a sense of shame. Blame, especially with regard to anger, also further reflects disowning our responsibility for our own behavior.

Blaming others can be considered “blame avoidance” and, like all defense mechanisms, can be considered another form of “emotional avoidance”, evading the experience of powerful, uncomfortable feelings. Additionally, the payoff for blaming others for how we express anger is the enhancement of our sense of being “right”, “perfect” or “justified” in our actions.

For many individuals with chronic anger, blame is all too often used, not only with regard to how they express anger but also in other areas of their lives. Blaming others can help them save face when they experience themselves as having weaknesses, flaws or mistakes.

1. Blaming others for how we manage anger ultimately interferes with experiencing true self-worth and genuine empowerment. Each time we blame others for our actions, we diminish our power and enhance our sense of victimhood. And when we perceive ourselves as a victim we unwittingly foster feelings of powerlessness, helplessness and pessimism–all of which may increase our proneness for anger arousal.

Blaming others denies our autonomy, our free agency to make choices. In the process, we experience diminished freedom. In this manner we blaming leads to a cultivation of victimhood that increases the likelihood for anger.

2. Blaming others can also be viewed as deriving from as well as contributing to dependency. Taking responsibility for ourselves is not always easy. Taking responsibility for ourselves can inherently arouse anxiety. It may heighten our sense of feeling alone as well as confused regarding the choices we make in our lives. It is the kind of anxiety that moves many of us to seek a distraction–including blaming others for how we live our lives.

3. Blaming others distracts us from the constructive but difficult task of self-reflection. This makes sense. However, while self-reflection can be uncomfortable, it is an essential component of taking responsibility for ourselves. Blaming others constricts our sense of choice while self-reflection expands it. Through self-reflection, we more clearly define our desires and how to constructively satisfy them. We develop connection with ourselves that informs the choices we make regarding our lives.

4. By itself, and through diminishing the openness for reflection, blaming others contributes to feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. This can lead not only to anger, but to depression as well. In recent years, adult anger, especially that of men, has been increasingly recognized as a sign of their depression. As such, while blaming others may be, in part, derived from depression, it only further exacerbates those feelings of helplessness and powerlessness associated with depression.

5. Blaming others may reflect global thinking. This is the case when individuals angrily blame an entire group of people–targeting individuals by their ethnicity, religion, race or sexuality–for all of the major difficulties in their lives. Such scapegoating reflects a global perspective that further increases our reactivity and sense of powerlessness. It fosters a massive renunciation of responsibility that may further fuel a justification for aggression. Additionally, it engenders a demonization of others that supports dehumanizing them.

6. Blaming others for our anger and how we manage it robs us of the opportunity to develop resilience to better handle life’s challenges. Each moment we blame others for how we manage anger, we make it that much more difficult to examine the ways in which we get in our own way. And, in the process, we move further away from actually satisfying our key desires. Each time we blame others for our anger miss out on an opportunity for personal growth.

7. Blaming leads to blaming. Brain research increasingly emphasizes that the more frequently we have certain thoughts and behaviors, the more strongly they become embedded in the neuronal pathways of our brain. Consequently, regarding anger provoking situations for example, the more frequently we blame others for how we react, the more likely we will continue to do so. And the more we respond aggressively, the more such aggression becomes the “go-to” reaction.

More: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/201811/7-consequences-blaming-others-how-we-manage-anger


Namaste. I love you

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Post by Raggamuffin on Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:36 pm

eddie wrote:How is it that others are responsible for your rage?

They did something to enrage you.

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Post by eddie on Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:37 pm

As long as you believe that your painful feelings of anger, fear, hurt, anxiety, depression, guilt or shame are caused by something outside yourself, rather than from your own thoughts and actions, you will see yourself as a victim and have a need to try to control others. As long as you avoid responsibility for learning your manage your feelings of loneliness, heartache, sorrow, grief and helplessness over others, you will try to cover these feelings up with your addiction to anger and blame.

Learning to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings is the key to moving beyond anger and blame. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process is a powerful way to learn responsibility for your feelings.

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Post by Thorin on Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:38 pm

eddie wrote:How is it that others are responsible for your rage?

Talk to Allied soldiers who were prisoners of war under the Japanese and ask them whether they are responsible for being angry at their Japanese guards Eddie?

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Post by Raggamuffin on Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:45 pm

eddie wrote:As long as you believe that your painful feelings of anger, fear, hurt, anxiety, depression, guilt or shame are caused by something outside yourself, rather than from your own thoughts and actions, you will see yourself as a victim and have a need to try to control others. As long as you avoid responsibility for learning your manage your feelings of loneliness, heartache, sorrow, grief and helplessness over others, you will try to cover these feelings up with your addiction to anger and blame.

Learning to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings is the key to moving beyond anger and blame. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process is a powerful way to learn responsibility for your feelings.

I think you're talking about perpetual anger rather than acute anger arising from a particular incident. However, it has been said that depression is a forum of anger which has turned inwards, so the person is angry with themself. Guilt is very different to anger don't you think?

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Post by eddie on Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:48 pm

I guess we are talking about different types of anger didge.
I really am not bowing out because I think you’re wrong, but because i think we are looking at this from different perspectives.
I think that we all have to take responsibility for our actions

Of course, we can use extreme examples where we can blame others - someone attacking your child for instance - but I’m really talking about debates and people’s angry outbursts in every day relationships as I said in the OP.

Some people can control their anger, wait and calm down and then act accordingly in ordinary situations.

In my opinion, most anger is destructive and not at all helpful.

Having said that, look how we have all discussed this topic without anger! That’s a bloody good thing, right?

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Post by eddie on Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:55 pm

Raggamuffin wrote:
eddie wrote:As long as you believe that your painful feelings of anger, fear, hurt, anxiety, depression, guilt or shame are caused by something outside yourself, rather than from your own thoughts and actions, you will see yourself as a victim and have a need to try to control others. As long as you avoid responsibility for learning your manage your feelings of loneliness, heartache, sorrow, grief and helplessness over others, you will try to cover these feelings up with your addiction to anger and blame.

Learning to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings is the key to moving beyond anger and blame. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process is a powerful way to learn responsibility for your feelings.

I think you're talking about perpetual anger rather than acute anger arising from a particular incident. However, it has been said that depression is a forum of anger which has turned inwards, so the person is angry with themself. Guilt is very different to anger don't you think?

Yes I am talking about perpetual anger, thanks for clarifying what I’ve probably said poorly.
Guilt can make one angry with oneself which can turn outwards, I guess.

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Post by Thorin on Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:58 pm

eddie wrote:I guess we are talking about different types of anger didge.
I really am not bowing out because I think you’re wrong, but because i think we are looking at this from different perspectives.
I think that we all have to take responsibility for our actions

Of course, we can use extreme examples where we can blame others - someone attacking your child for instance - but I’m really talking about debates and people’s angry outbursts in every day relationships as I said in the OP.

Some people can control their anger, wait and calm down and then act accordingly in ordinary situations.

In my opinion, most anger is destructive and not at all helpful.

Having said that, look how we have all discussed this topic without anger! That’s a bloody good thing, right?

I jus think you are not grasping that anger is a normalemotional reaction. Its not something you can control happening but you can control how you act with that anger. The reality is anger does have causes, which can be anything from being upset, to something unjust, to being threatened etc. Its basically like a self defense mechanism. So to me there is causes to anger, which can often be by outside forces. Like I say, victims of violence aree going to in many cases rightly be angry at their attackers. When people get upset over something trivial, then they may have allowed themselves to get angry. So its simple not as cut and dry as you think or believe

So you need to understand anger is a normal emotional reaction and it ios nothing anyone can actually control. When its is destructive, is how people can act with that anger, which is the problem. You are to me confusing an emotion to an action itself. They are too different things, though the action can be controlled by that emotion. So I agree we have to take responsibilities for our actions, but that is different from simple being angry at something. That is simple something nobody can control when we do get angry. You are only responsible when you act damagingly on that anger by hurting others. So to me, anger has many causes and it certainly can be caused by other people at times. Other times that anger is a creation by the individual themselves.

Yes its been a very discussion Laughing

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Post by eddie on Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:00 pm

I think Rags summed it up well:

I’m talking perpetual anger rather than extreme one-off incidents.
Perhaps I put it poorly.

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Post by Ben Reilly on Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:01 pm

phildidge wrote:
eddie wrote:How is it that others are responsible for your rage?

Talk to Allied soldiers who were prisoners of war under the Japanese and ask them whether they are responsible for being angry at their Japanese guards Eddie?

Okay, so those soldiers were justifiably angry at their treatment by the Japanese. But it's all about how they react to their anger.

They could wish their captors to be killed, and hate all Japanese people, and stay in a rage about it forever. That's the "losing your temper" approach.

They could also decide to do whatever they can to make sure their captors are tried for their actions, while realizing that living in a constant state of anger over what was done to them isn't healthy for themselves or their loved ones. That's the "using anger as motivation, but not losing self-control" approach, which is far healthier.

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Post by Thorin on Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:03 pm

Ben Reilly wrote:
phildidge wrote:

Talk to Allied soldiers who were prisoners of war under the Japanese and ask them whether they are responsible for being angry at their Japanese guards Eddie?

Okay, so those soldiers were justifiably angry at their treatment by the Japanese. But it's all about how they react to their anger.

They could wish their captors to be killed, and hate all Japanese people, and stay in a rage about it forever. That's the "losing your temper" approach.

They could also decide to do whatever they can to make sure their captors are tried for their actions, while realizing that living in a constant state of anger over what was done to them isn't healthy for themselves or their loved ones. That's the "using anger as motivation, but not losing self-control" approach, which is far healthier.

My reply previously to Eddie

I jus think you are not grasping that anger is a normal emotional reaction. Its not something you can control happening but you can control how you act with that anger. The reality is anger does have causes, which can be anything from being upset, to something unjust, to being threatened etc. Its basically like a self defense mechanism. So to me there is causes to anger, which can often be by outside forces. Like I say, victims of violence aree going to in many cases rightly be angry at their attackers. When people get upset over something trivial, then they may have allowed themselves to get angry. So its simple not as cut and dry as you think or believe

So you need to understand anger is a normal emotional reaction and it ios nothing anyone can actually control. When its is destructive, is how people can act with that anger, which is the problem. You are to me confusing an emotion to an action itself. They are too different things, though the action can be controlled by that emotion. So I agree we have to take responsibilities for our actions, but that is different from simple being angry at something. That is simple something nobody can control when we do get angry. You are only responsible when you act damagingly on that anger by hurting others. So to me, anger has many causes and it certainly can be caused by other people at times. Other times that anger is a creation by the individual themselves.

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Post by eddie on Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:06 pm

eddie wrote:I think Rags summed it up well:

I’m talking perpetual anger rather than extreme one-off incidents.  
Perhaps I put it poorly.

Bumped for clarification.

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