Blaming Others for How We Manage Anger

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Post by eddie on Thu Jul 11, 2019 1:15 am

I’ve watched this over the years, on forums and in real life.

The Function of Blaming Others:

As with destructive anger in general, blaming others for how we manage anger is a defensive strategy that helps us to avoid recognizing and experiencing difficult and challenging feelings such as shame, guilt, hurt, disappointment, sadness and feelings of inadequacy or powerlessness. Blaming is like other formal defense mechanisms–a strategy of deception that we use to help preserve our self-esteem. It encompasses an attempt to disown feelings that we judge to be too uncomfortable or part of ourselves that create within us a sense of shame. Blame, especially with regard to anger, also further reflects disowning our responsibility for our own behavior.

Blaming others can be considered “blame avoidance” and, like all defense mechanisms, can be considered another form of “emotional avoidance”, evading the experience of powerful, uncomfortable feelings. Additionally, the payoff for blaming others for how we express anger is the enhancement of our sense of being “right”, “perfect” or “justified” in our actions.

For many individuals with chronic anger, blame is all too often used, not only with regard to how they express anger but also in other areas of their lives. Blaming others can help them save face when they experience themselves as having weaknesses, flaws or mistakes.

1. Blaming others for how we manage anger ultimately interferes with experiencing true self-worth and genuine empowerment. Each time we blame others for our actions, we diminish our power and enhance our sense of victimhood. And when we perceive ourselves as a victim we unwittingly foster feelings of powerlessness, helplessness and pessimism–all of which may increase our proneness for anger arousal.

Blaming others denies our autonomy, our free agency to make choices. In the process, we experience diminished freedom. In this manner we blaming leads to a cultivation of victimhood that increases the likelihood for anger.

2. Blaming others can also be viewed as deriving from as well as contributing to dependency. Taking responsibility for ourselves is not always easy. Taking responsibility for ourselves can inherently arouse anxiety. It may heighten our sense of feeling alone as well as confused regarding the choices we make in our lives. It is the kind of anxiety that moves many of us to seek a distraction–including blaming others for how we live our lives.

3. Blaming others distracts us from the constructive but difficult task of self-reflection. This makes sense. However, while self-reflection can be uncomfortable, it is an essential component of taking responsibility for ourselves. Blaming others constricts our sense of choice while self-reflection expands it. Through self-reflection, we more clearly define our desires and how to constructively satisfy them. We develop connection with ourselves that informs the choices we make regarding our lives.

4. By itself, and through diminishing the openness for reflection, blaming others contributes to feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. This can lead not only to anger, but to depression as well. In recent years, adult anger, especially that of men, has been increasingly recognized as a sign of their depression. As such, while blaming others may be, in part, derived from depression, it only further exacerbates those feelings of helplessness and powerlessness associated with depression.

5. Blaming others may reflect global thinking. This is the case when individuals angrily blame an entire group of people–targeting individuals by their ethnicity, religion, race or sexuality–for all of the major difficulties in their lives. Such scapegoating reflects a global perspective that further increases our reactivity and sense of powerlessness. It fosters a massive renunciation of responsibility that may further fuel a justification for aggression. Additionally, it engenders a demonization of others that supports dehumanizing them.

6. Blaming others for our anger and how we manage it robs us of the opportunity to develop resilience to better handle life’s challenges. Each moment we blame others for how we manage anger, we make it that much more difficult to examine the ways in which we get in our own way. And, in the process, we move further away from actually satisfying our key desires. Each time we blame others for our anger miss out on an opportunity for personal growth.

7. Blaming leads to blaming. Brain research increasingly emphasizes that the more frequently we have certain thoughts and behaviors, the more strongly they become embedded in the neuronal pathways of our brain. Consequently, regarding anger provoking situations for example, the more frequently we blame others for how we react, the more likely we will continue to do so. And the more we respond aggressively, the more such aggression becomes the “go-to” reaction.

More: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/201811/7-consequences-blaming-others-how-we-manage-anger


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Post by Ben Reilly on Thu Jul 11, 2019 10:44 am

What about when you do your best to avoid losing your temper, but the person that you're arguing with won't allow you to stop the argument?

I think there are situations in which an OTT reaction of anger is the only thing that people pay any attention to.

Sometimes, you can say, "Hey, let's agree to disagree, let's leave this, let's talk about it after we've calmed down," and the person you're arguing with -- I think -- takes it as a sign of weakness and an opportunity to get in one last dig -- because you've signaled you don't want to fight.

So they take that as, "You don't want to fight, right? So you're going to eat shit from me in order to avoid a fight."

In a nutshell, if someone won't listen when you say you'd like to end the argument, they're asking for, and in part to blame for, the other person in the argument getting angry -- at least I think so.

But I'm sure some enlightened soul will come along to explain to me that the best reaction when you feel under attack is to "rise above it" and all that other nonsense.

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Post by Syl on Thu Jul 11, 2019 6:54 pm

Rise above it Ben.















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Post by WhoseYourWolfie on Fri Jul 12, 2019 9:21 am

Blaming Others for How We Manage Anger 2347854014

Carry a bigger stick than your opponent..

Blaming Others for How We Manage Anger 2215183653

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Post by Maddog on Fri Jul 12, 2019 2:46 pm

Ben Reilly wrote:What about when you do your best to avoid losing your temper, but the person that you're arguing with won't allow you to stop the argument?

I think there are situations in which an OTT reaction of anger is the only thing that people pay any attention to.

Sometimes, you can say, "Hey, let's agree to disagree, let's leave this, let's talk about it after we've calmed down," and the person you're arguing with -- I think -- takes it as a sign of weakness and an opportunity to get in one last dig -- because you've signaled you don't want to fight.

So they take that as, "You don't want to fight, right? So you're going to eat shit from me in order to avoid a fight."

In a nutshell, if someone won't listen when you say you'd like to end the argument, they're asking for, and in part to blame for, the other person in the argument getting angry -- at least I think so.

But I'm sure some enlightened soul will come along to explain to me that the best reaction when you feel under attack is to "rise above it" and all that other nonsense.

I think there comes a point where someone is being so abusive that you can ratchet up the dialogue or even take the next step. You only get to call me or especially one of my loved ones, so many names.

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Post by eddie on Fri Jul 12, 2019 7:55 pm

How can you blame someone else for making you lose your temper (except in extreme circumstances like a person being violent to your child)?

I see people have debates and one person loses their temper. Why? Because that person disagree with you?

We are all responsible for our own actions and anyone who denies that is simply denying their own actions of losing control, then it just becomes okay to keep being an arsehole.

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Post by phildidge on Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:22 pm

It takes two to tango and if people are honest here, many are guilty of trying to push the buttons of people. More so  in the hope this can manipulate them into losing control of the debate and become emotional'

Everyone has their limitations, no matter who they are and I only ever lose control, when I have had too muchto drink. Yes i should not be drinking again, but hey, try and live my life. Its not an excuse but an understanding of the situation. I have no ill will against any here, but many here will use ways to undermine people in debate.

I had this the other day when Maddog, went completely off topic about what happened on Dogs forum. It had nothing to do with the debate, but its how people will use ammunition to get at people. Hence to me, all are to blame for the situations they create and this includes me. I have certainly been guilty of this at times, because the reality is. Many here do like to be right, no matter how much they think they do not, they certainly do. People like to get the upper hand, its an innate thinking within people. As the reality is most people simple hate to be wrong

I do however when I stop being a dick, come to my senses and see where I have gone wrong and often apologise. So there is some very good points in the article, but it does ignore how people, when they come to know people. Know every well how and what pushes peoples buttons.

I mean we have seen this today on another thread. It descended to two people getting angry and they tried to manipulate each other. Yes we are responsible for are own actions, but also people bare a responsibility for goading them. Yes people should not rise to this, but thenm why are then people looking to goad them in the first place?

Its simple about keeping your anger in check. As all people have their limitations. There is only two people on this forum, who have never lostt their anger with anyone

Magica and cass. That speaks volumes for the control they have

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Post by eddie on Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:37 pm

I never try to push people’s buttons and how does one know how to another’s buttons? This is simply about people being triggered and then losing their shit over someone else’s point of view.
There is never an excuse (except in real extreme circumstances) to lose your temper. I rarely lose mine. I can count on my one hand how often someone has made me angry.

Some people have no control and that’s not healthy. I know a couple and the wife less her temper daily. That’s just saying to me that she has a real problem somewhere and simply isn’t addressing it.

And debates? Losing your temper over another’s opinion? Seriously?

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Post by phildidge on Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:46 pm

eddie wrote:I never try to push people’s buttons and how does one know how to another’s buttons? This is simply about people being triggered and then losing their shit over someone else’s point of view.
There is never an excuse (except in real extreme circumstances) to lose your temper. I rarely lose mine. I can count on my one hand how often someone has made me angry.

Some people have no control and that’s not healthy. I know a couple and the wife less her temper daily. That’s just saying to me that she has a real problem somewhere and simply isn’t addressing it.

And debates? Losing your temper over another’s opinion? Seriously?


Never claimed that there is an excuse and made that emphatically clear Eddie. You have made some choice words to me at times, when I have pushed your buttons. It happens, because people have their limitations. You dont do it often and also are one that apologises, but you do lose it at times and get angry, which is actually only human to do. Because as humans, we do have an inate ability to lose control through emotions 

But you have lost your temper over debates Eddie, nearly everyone has and even more when they hold a passionate view on something they hold dear to them and I have seen you do so yourself. You have lost your rag with me also. Do you think I was to blame or yourself in that situation?

So I am not giving excuses here but what does and often happens here, is how people when passionate lose control, becasue their passions take control, of which you are guilty also of doing

What we both do is move past this, but you have lost control more than just one hand. If you are being honest over the years you have lost it more than you are willing to conceede. Its not a competition and there is nothing wrong with admitting that as humans , we do have faults. Nobody is perfect, but the reasoning behind the article is based from a position that really does not understand the reality of life itself and how people interact daily.

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Post by eddie on Fri Jul 12, 2019 9:03 pm

I will only really get annoyed if someone says something that is really unfair about me or someone I love.
Other than that, I’m kinda not bothered.

I don’t really have many “buttons” - you can ask Ben, or anyone that really knows me well.

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Post by phildidge on Fri Jul 12, 2019 9:06 pm

I dont want to use you as a test subject here Eddie, but do at times people have a right to be angry?

Yes or no?

Based on what you went through, with a certain poster. Making appalling views to you and the hell they put you through. Do you think you have or had a right to be angry?

Yes or no?

Not trying to stir up anything here, but to show, that we again all have limitations of what and how we go through things. I would in this instance say you have every right to be angry. What matters is how you react to this.

Can you see my point?

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Post by Jules on Fri Jul 12, 2019 9:30 pm

I'm hopeless with my temper. When I lose it, boy do I lose it. affraid I am extremely forgiving tho. Always willing to wipe the slate clean and start over again with people who have wronged me. Provided they are genuinely sorry.

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Post by eddie on Fri Jul 12, 2019 9:34 pm

phildidge wrote:I dont want to use you as a test subject here Eddie, but do at times people have a right to be angry?

Yes or no?

Based on what you went through, with a certain poster. Making appalling views to you and the hell they put you through. Do you think you have or had a right to be angry?

Yes or no?

Not trying to stir up anything here, but to show, that we again all have limitations of what and how we go through things. I would in this instance say you have every right to be angry. What matters is how you react to this.

Can you see my point?

I’m not talking about a right to be angry. The topic is blaming others for your anger.
We can all choose to react how we react.

Blaming someone else for my anger isn’t healthy. It’s my anger and I should learn to deal with things better, no?

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Post by phildidge on Fri Jul 12, 2019 9:38 pm

eddie wrote:
phildidge wrote:I dont want to use you as a test subject here Eddie, but do at times people have a right to be angry?

Yes or no?

Based on what you went through, with a certain poster. Making appalling views to you and the hell they put you through. Do you think you have or had a right to be angry?

Yes or no?

Not trying to stir up anything here, but to show, that we again all have limitations of what and how we go through things. I would in this instance say you have every right to be angry. What matters is how you react to this.

Can you see my point?

I’m not talking about a right to be angry. The topic is blaming others for your anger.
We can all choose to react how we react.  

Blaming someone else for my anger isn’t healthy. It’s my anger and I should learn to deal with things better, no?

Nobody claimed blamed others for your anger is healthy

I am showing that the article is flawed and that in fact, people can be rightly angered, as you have a right to do so, when faced with such hate. Again its important to know and understand not to act on that hate with hate

You have a right in this instance to blame someone else for your anger. Do you disagree?

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Post by eddie on Fri Jul 12, 2019 9:57 pm

Didge, I am just wishing to stick to whether people think we have a right to blame others for our anger. Not whether we have a right to be angry or what makes us angry.....
Just whether we have a right to BLAME OTHERS.

We choose how we react. Lost of people have learned to control their anger and I think it’s the best way forward. That’s all I have to say on the subject.


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Post by Ben Reilly on Fri Jul 12, 2019 9:57 pm

I often have a very, very bad temper, and it's something I work to "control" daily. I put control in quotes because it's not about controlling the emotion of anger, about 90 percent of the time for me, but how I react to getting angry.

That anger is addictive is scientifically proven -- it provides the same rush that a lot of drugs do, physically, and psychologically, it makes people feel self-righteous and in charge, ironically enough. I fall prey to this as easily as anybody else.

It's tough, in the heat of anger, to choose how to respond to it, and that's where I struggle the most.

And there are a number of roadblocks for anyone. If you've seen your parents respond poorly to anger, you're far more likely to have learned the lesson that this is how one acts when angry. Men are also often taught that anger is a more acceptable emotion to display, and so many men learn to turn a situation such as "you've hurt me" into "I'm angry that you've hurt me."

So yeah, I think anger is one of the toughest emotions to master -- not to stop feeling, but to take that massive, volcanic burst of energy and emotion and learn to control it so that it's expressed in the way you want it to be.

The other 10 percent of the time (for me, not everyone) is something people don't talk about as much, but I think it's at least as important, which is the question -- is my anger reasonable?

To explore that is more difficult, because as you dig into it, you get to the point where you question whether you truly have the right to have been angered by what someone says or does, or whether getting angry in that moment is fair.

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Post by phildidge on Fri Jul 12, 2019 10:11 pm

eddie wrote:Didge, I am just wishing to stick to whether people think we have a right to blame others for our anger. Not whether we have a right to be angry or what makes us angry.....
Just whether we have a right to BLAME OTHERS.

We choose how we react. Lost of people have learned to control their anger and I think it’s the best way forward. That’s all I have to say on the subject.


Here we go again, your whole sentence contradicts itself

Seriously read what you just said eddie

You said thius

I am just wishing to stick to whether people think we have a right to blame others for our anger.

Then said

Not whether we have a right to be angry or what makes us angry.....

Doh

Its the same thing, as by thinking we have a right to be angry is placing blame on others

Go figure



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Post by Syl on Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:44 pm

I dont have a bad temper but i can be sarky if riled, do I blame others for that? I dont think I do, they may deserve it but the words come out of my mouth not theirs.
I think it's pretty weak to blame anyone else for what you do or say yourself.

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Post by Victorismyhero on Sat Jul 13, 2019 7:16 pm

in consideration of the fact that I am a perfectly adjusted mentally sound and awesome individual OF COURSE its everyone elses fault if I lose it........

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Post by phildidge on Sat Jul 13, 2019 7:26 pm

Victorismyhero wrote:in consideration of the fact that I am a perfectly adjusted mentally sound and awesome individual OF COURSE its everyone elses fault if I lose it........


lol!

Have a green

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Post by eddie on Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:30 pm

Syl wrote:I dont have a bad temper but i can be sarky if riled, do I blame others for that? I dont think I do, they may deserve it but the words come out of my mouth not theirs.
I think it's pretty weak to blame anyone else for what you do or say yourself.

Well I think that’s a great post and I totally agree with your last sentence.

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Post by phildidge on Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:37 pm

eddie wrote:
Syl wrote:I dont have a bad temper but i can be sarky if riled, do I blame others for that? I dont think I do, they may deserve it but the words come out of my mouth not theirs.
I think it's pretty weak to blame anyone else for what you do or say yourself.

Well I think that’s a great post and I totally agree with your last sentence.


Again I am coming from a view point that does not think people are innocent when they lose control. I am simple of a view that people can and know how to push the buttons of poeple by understanding their weaknesses.

Does that mean they are weak per say?

Of course not and is really a poor point made by syl,. because again everyone has their limits. You have suffered this yourself at the hands of an idiot, who has pushed you to the limits. Are you weak for falling into exactly what he wants and the attention that he seeks, by continually posting up the crap he spouts at you Eddie?

Unless you understand human nature, then your point and syl's has no conception of emotions. Of course nobody should lose their shit, but at times, people will go out of their to push those limits.As to say that people are weak menatally does not understand evolution itself


If you have ever lost your shit Eddie, does that mean you are weak?

Not in a million years

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Post by eddie on Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:46 pm

I think BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR ANGER IS WEAK.

I keep saying the same thing.

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Post by phildidge on Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:46 pm

Syl wrote:I dont have a bad temper but i can be sarky if riled, do I blame others for that? I dont think I do, they may deserve it but the words come out of my mouth not theirs.
I think it's pretty weak to blame anyone else for what you do or say yourself.


That is complete bollocks, and you can be maipulative when you want to. I would rather you were honest and not try and make out you are some kind of saint when you have said some very shitty things yourself. Having said that, you normally do not lose it, but please spare the pretence that you do not. All people have a breaking point and this vasries between people and on what issue. I donty deny when it does for me, but it bores me to hell when people try and make out they are some kind of saint and never lose their shit when they can and do

So by your reasoning everyone would be weak.

That is simple not the case, when in reality people simple have a weakness at times. That is a major difference

Its why I get bored when Eddie holds some moral stand point as if to be better than others, when nobody is. When we all have a breaking point. It means none of us are perfect but for some to think they are, well, that is sheer arrogance and a complete lie to think they are perfect and able to always control their emotions. Nobody is capable of doing that. The reason why, because humans are emotionally driven. Its why we have so much emphasis on love

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Post by phildidge on Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:48 pm

eddie wrote:I think BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR ANGER IS WEAK.

I keep saying the same thing.


Aid I say and this is a prime example of anger on your part, being as you are not listening. I am not blaming anyone here, but what creates said situations. Hence you did not read a damn word I said, did you?

Am I to blame for you not taking on board what I have said

Hence why the caplocks?

Or is your passions getting the better of you, because your beliefs are being challenged?

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Post by eddie on Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:50 pm

No, I’m making it clear what I’m saying. I’ll repeat it once more:

Anger is NOT a sign of weakness. Blaming others for your anger IS a sign of weakness.


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Post by phildidge on Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:52 pm

eddie wrote:No, I’m making it clear what I’m saying. I’ll repeat it once more:

Anger is NOT a sign of weakness. Blaming others for your anger IS a sign of weakness.



So you blame the victim of bullying when they get angry at being bullied then? Not the bully?

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Post by eddie on Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:55 pm

Ah that’s not really where I was going when I started the debate. I did say in certain exceptional circumstances that anger is justified...

I was really kinda going by debates (real life or forums etc) didge, which is what I said in my opening post.

Of course people get angry, it’s human and natural but when one reacts they have to assume responsibility for their actions..no?

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Post by phildidge on Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:57 pm

Hence the point I am trying to mak to you Eddie, is you are very much thinking from a closeminded position  here. You may think its a weakenss to blame others for anger, but how does that work for people who have been sexually abused? Victims of domestic violence? Family members murdered? Is that a sign of weakness to be angry over this? To blame the people that have done this?

This is why and as much as I respect you eddie, you never think anything through properly

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Post by phildidge on Sat Jul 13, 2019 11:00 pm

eddie wrote:Ah that’s not really where I was going when I started the debate. I did say in certain exceptional circumstances that anger is justified...

I was really kinda going by debates (real life or forums etc) didge,  which is what I said in my opening post.  

Of course people get angry, it’s human and natural but when one reacts they have to assume responsibility for their actions..no?


But that is not what your opening article claims

Its not a case of exceptions eddie. Of course its always wrong to get angry, but in many situations this can be justified

I mean for example you have every right to be angry in how that idiot philagain abuse you and threatened you. That is simple a normal human reaction. Its not a sign of weakness at all

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Post by eddie on Sat Jul 13, 2019 11:04 pm

Yes, I am not saying it’s a weakness to be angry but it’s not acceptable to blame others for your actions.
You have to own your anger and the consequent actions that follow - like when you apologise for being too harsh for example - that’s what I’m saying.

I keep repeating myself so we will have to agree to disagree didge. But thank you for a great debate whereby we both stayed respectful and logical.

It’s okay to disagree you know! Blaming Others for How We Manage Anger 1942856362

Namaste didge. X

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Post by phildidge on Sat Jul 13, 2019 11:09 pm

eddie wrote:Yes, I am not saying it’s a weakness to be angry but it’s not acceptable to blame others for your actions.
You have to own your anger and the consequent actions that follow - like when you apologise for being too harsh for example - that’s what I’m saying.

I keep repeating myself so we will have to agree to disagree didge. But thank you for a great debate whereby we both stayed respectful and logical.

It’s okay to disagree you know! Blaming Others for How We Manage Anger 1942856362

Namaste didge. X


lol for goodness sake Eddie. Humans as a whole have a weakeness to be angry. Yet this is more in how we control that anger.

All I am showing is at times, that anger is valid, on how people have been abused and treated. Its simple human nature to be angry. What is wrong is to then use that and abuse others.

So I agree its cool we can disagree

x

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Post by Maddog on Sat Jul 13, 2019 11:16 pm

eddie wrote:Yes, I am not saying it’s a weakness to be angry but it’s not acceptable to blame others for your actions.
You have to own your anger and the consequent actions that follow - like when you apologise for being too harsh for example - that’s what I’m saying.

I keep repeating myself so we will have to agree to disagree didge. But thank you for a great debate whereby we both stayed respectful and logical.

It’s okay to disagree you know! Blaming Others for How We Manage Anger 1942856362

Namaste didge. X

Anger is an emotion, not an act.

If you catch Ben sleeping with the neighbor you can and should be very angry.

Shooting them would be an act, and it's not justified.

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Post by Ben Reilly on Sat Jul 13, 2019 11:21 pm

Maddog wrote:
eddie wrote:Yes, I am not saying it’s a weakness to be angry but it’s not acceptable to blame others for your actions.
You have to own your anger and the consequent actions that follow - like when you apologise for being too harsh for example - that’s what I’m saying.

I keep repeating myself so we will have to agree to disagree didge. But thank you for a great debate whereby we both stayed respectful and logical.

It’s okay to disagree you know! Blaming Others for How We Manage Anger 1942856362

Namaste didge. X

Anger is an emotion, not an act.  

If you catch Ben sleeping with the neighbor you can and should be very angry.  

Shooting them would be an act, and it's not justified.  

My stepson put it really well recently. My stepdaughter got angry at a friend and sort of flung her iPad at her. Stepson tells her off for it and says, "It's fine to be angry, but it's not fine to be rude." He's got it right.

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Post by phildidge on Sat Jul 13, 2019 11:26 pm

Hats off to Ben and maddog....Both great points

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Post by Raggamuffin on Sun Jul 14, 2019 7:09 am

This is really talking about posts on a forum whereby someone gets angry that another person doesn't agree with their opinion, yes?

In other situations I don't really see the difference between being angry and blaming someone else for that anger. Of course people blame others for their anger, and it's not weakness, it's normal.

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Post by Syl on Mon Jul 15, 2019 10:12 am

phildidge wrote:
Syl wrote:I dont have a bad temper but i can be sarky if riled, do I blame others for that? I dont think I do, they may deserve it but the words come out of my mouth not theirs.
I think it's pretty weak to blame anyone else for what you do or say yourself.


That is complete bollocks, and you can be maipulative when you want to. I would rather you were honest and not try and make out you are some kind of saint when you have said some very shitty things yourself. Having said that, you normally do not lose it, but please spare the pretence that you do not. All people have a breaking point and this vasries between people and on what issue. I donty deny when it does for me, but it bores me to hell when people try and make out they are some kind of saint and never lose their shit when they can and do

So by your reasoning everyone would be weak.

That is simple not the case, when in reality people simple have a weakness at times. That is a major difference

Its why I get bored when Eddie holds some moral stand point as if to be better than others, when nobody is. When we all have a breaking point. It means none of us are perfect but for some to think they are, well, that is sheer arrogance and a complete lie to think they are perfect and able to always control their emotions. Nobody is capable of doing that. The reason why, because humans are emotionally driven. Its why we have so much emphasis on love

I am being honest, and what's more I UNDERSTAND THE BLOODY QUESTION TOO. Rolling Eyes

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Post by Jules on Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:06 pm

If someone makes me angry, I will lay the blame squarely on them! It's their fault. Mad


And I will also blame them for how I manage my anger too. Cos if they hadn't annoyed me in the first place, the issue of how I manage my resulting anger ..... would not arise.
...lol!

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Post by Syl on Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:36 pm

Joking aside, dont abusers often blame the person they are abusing for making them lose their temper?
It was your fault....you looked at me the wrong way, you push my buttons, you cooked the wrong food.

Blaming other people for annoying you is just passing the buck really.....though obviously some people are very annoying.

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Post by Jules on Tue Jul 16, 2019 12:02 am

I was just thinking of light hearted stuff. Surprised Like impatient people jumping queues, or dogs crapping on the pavement, .... or minor traffic violations.

I was not referring to extreme situations like domestic abuse/violence .... which is a very serious matter and it's a specialist subject in its own right.

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Post by Syl on Tue Jul 16, 2019 12:15 am

We all get annoyed at some things, it's human nature and it's not good to bottle up anger anyway.

However, how we handle the anger is the important thing, and I would bet that people who blame others for making them lose it over the little irritations in life,, also blame others when they lose it over the serious stuff.

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Post by Jules on Tue Jul 16, 2019 1:08 am

Syl wrote:We all get annoyed at some things, it's human nature and it's not good to bottle up anger anyway.

However, how we handle the anger is the important thing, and I would bet that people who blame others  for making them lose it over  the little irritations in life,, also blame others when they lose it over the serious stuff.

Ah well you might be right.  Blaming Others for How We Manage Anger 2190311264

Whether or not I apportion blame correctly,  the point is, I can certainly sit down afterwards with a cool head and calmly work out a solution to the problem - one that works for me.

In serious matters it's rare that anyone gets the opportunity to fk me over, twice. One chance is all they usually get.

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Post by eddie on Tue Jul 16, 2019 8:56 pm

People seem to not get the OP very well.

It isn’t about whether we have a right to get angry, or whether it’s wrong (unless it’s far too often, then you have a problem) but whether it’s right and fair to blame others FOR your reaction.

We can all choose to stay calm, like in the case of a child misbehaving, but you simply cannot blame your management of your own anger on others.

To say “You made me lose my temper” is simply not true.
You lost your own temper because your temper belongs to YOU.

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Post by phildidge on Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:07 pm

eddie wrote:People seem to not get the OP very well.

It isn’t about whether we have a right to get angry, or whether it’s wrong (unless it’s far too often, then you have a problem) but whether it’s right and fair to blame others FOR your reaction.

We can all choose to stay calm, like in the case of a child misbehaving, but you simply cannot blame your management of your own anger on others.

To say “You made me lose my temper” is simply not true.
You lost your own temper because your temper belongs to YOU.

Bottling up anger is dumb and stupid to do. Anger is just an emotion through the brain, telling you something is upsetting you. Hence it has a cause. That cause can often be other people, because we are an emtoitional species. Hence if a mother and father found out their daughter was raped for example or mudered. Then this will clearly invoke an angry and upset reaction. It has a cause. Which again nobody can control our brains feeling these reactions and bottling this up is the worst thing to do. What is wrong is taking that anger out on the ones you love

You simple are not understanding the human brain Eddie

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Post by eddie on Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:11 pm

Blaming others for our anger and how we manage it robs us of the opportunity to develop resilience to better handle life’s challenges.

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Post by phildidge on Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:18 pm

eddie wrote:Blaming others for our anger and how we manage it robs us of the opportunity to develop resilience to better handle life’s challenges.

The best thing to do is go to the middle of nowhere and realse that anger, through shouting it etc out of your system. If you bottle up anger, then you are never really in control of your emotions and in the end what happens is like a Volcano, it can explode with deadly effects

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Post by eddie on Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:25 pm

phildidge wrote:
eddie wrote:Blaming others for our anger and how we manage it robs us of the opportunity to develop resilience to better handle life’s challenges.

The best thing to do is go to the middle of nowhere and realse that anger, through shouting it etc out of your system. If you bottle up anger, then you are never really in control of your emotions and in the end what happens is like a Volcano, it can explode with deadly effects

Good answer.

I found this and it sums up what I’m saying:

The problem is that getting angry and blaming are forms of self-abandonment. ... You believe that your pain is caused by others, rather than by your own self-abandonment, so you feel justified in blaming others for your feelings.

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Post by phildidge on Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:27 pm

eddie wrote:
phildidge wrote:

The best thing to do is go to the middle of nowhere and realse that anger, through shouting it etc out of your system. If you bottle up anger, then you are never really in control of your emotions and in the end what happens is like a Volcano, it can explode with deadly effects

Good answer.

I found this and it sums up what I’m saying:

The problem is that getting angry and blaming are forms of self-abandonment. ... You believe that your pain is caused by others, rather than by your own self-abandonment, so you feel justified in blaming others for your feelings.

Pain can be caused by others, as how do you think the survivors of the Holocaust feel?
Hence the above statement is clueless

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Post by Raggamuffin on Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:27 pm

It's natural to blame others for your anger if the situation arose because of them. You can be angry with yourself if a situation is obviously your own fault. The difficulty arises when you can't blame anyone, not even the Government. Laughing

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Post by eddie on Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:34 pm

How is it that others are responsible for your rage?

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