How soon is too soon?

Page 2 of 2 Previous  1, 2

Go down

How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:50 pm

First topic message reminder :

This woman is writing about her experience of being shunned by family and friends after dating so soon after her husband died.
Should a bereaved partner mourn for a certain length of time before moving on with their lives, or is it fair to say life is for the living, whether it be 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years.....go for it if you want to find love again.


"A widowed mum claims she was shunned by friends and family members because she began dating eight weeks after her husband died
Natalie Drury's husband Tim Madeley, 50, passed away on New Year's Day 2015, following a short battle with brain cancer.
Eight weeks later, the 42-year-old nursery cook went on her first date since he died.
Although it didn't progress into a relationship, Natalie claims the criticism she faced then and still faces today has been devastating.
Despite receiving support from most of her family, Natalie said that she had a hard time from friends and family - especially those on Tim's side
.Now happily married for the second time after finding love online, Natalie is speaking to encourage others to stop being so judgemental about love after bereavement."

Natalie with her late husband Tim.




https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/mum-shunned-friends-family-after-13806765

_________________
Not everyone likes me, but not everyone matters.
Syl
Syl

Posts : 18160
Join date : 2015-11-12
Location : Manchester

View user profile

Back to top Go down


Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by phildidge on Wed Jan 09, 2019 7:56 pm

Vintage wrote:
Thor wrote:
 

So because it effected them, she should place their life on hold, until they are comfortable?

I am sorry Vintage, but life is filled with many chapters and iff people waited for others to be able to close that last chapter and move on, nobody would be ever able to move on. As how extended a family is this going to be to then consider people? Uncle jack 3 times removed?

Nobody is denying or saying they are not connected, but this is about her and not them. Just because she has found new love, does not mean she loved any less her previous husband or his family. So like I say they would be holding her back, based on their of period to grieve. Where to some that can take years.

That child is still going to be a big part in their life and her moving on marrying should not and wont effect that. Death is sadly a part of life we all have to accept. You cannot and should not wait until everyone feels ready, when its that individuals happiness, that is most important here


You are arguing with nothing I actually said.

Its never just about one person unless you have no friends or family and live in isolation. What's the saying 'no man is an island'. I'd didn't say she should put her life on hold, not even suggested it. Just that a bit of compassion and consideration should be shown to his relatives who are grieving and understand they could be upset - for a while.


I beg to differ, as a relationship is between two people, not extended family

So what consideration and compassion should be shown?

You have not stated what you think this should be

Does this mean giving them time and then how much time?

How is that helping her?

phildidge

Posts : 4768
Join date : 2018-11-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by gelico on Wed Jan 09, 2019 8:09 pm

Thor wrote:
Vintage wrote:


You are arguing with nothing I actually said.

Its never just about one person unless you have no friends or family and live in isolation. What's the saying 'no man is an island'. I'd didn't say she should put her life on hold, not even suggested it. Just that a bit of compassion and consideration should be shown to his relatives who are grieving and understand they could be upset - for a while.


I beg to differ, as a relationship is between two people, not extended family

it involves all the family when two people come together.  i remember the priest having a word with both of us before the marriage and saying  ''remember you are not just marrying each other - you are both now a member of a different family as well''  which is true

So what consideration and compassion should be shown?


due consideration and compassion for other peoples feelings is something that most of us would feel but it doesn't have to equal putting your own life on hold.[/quote]

gelico

Posts : 2069
Join date : 2017-07-07

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by phildidge on Wed Jan 09, 2019 8:13 pm

gelico wrote:
Thor wrote:


I beg to differ, as a relationship is between two people, not extended family

it involves all the family when two people come together.  i remember the priest having a word with both of us before the marriage and saying  ''remember you are not just marrying each other - you are both now a member of a different family as well''  which is true

So what consideration and compassion should be shown?


due consideration and compassion for other peoples feelings is something that most of us would feel but it doesn't have to equal putting your own life on hold.
I am an athiest, so why would I take on "bored" the words of a priest?

There is a lot of people that certainly and sadly do not get on with many of their extended families.

Of course people should try , but I am sorry gelico, what is more important is the two people getting married

As like i say in many cases and again I have seen families against a marriage, when it has nothing to do with them

Each individual case will be different

What first and foremost matters is their love and if others cannot get on board with that, then there are the issue here, not the couple

phildidge

Posts : 4768
Join date : 2018-11-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Victorismyhero on Wed Jan 09, 2019 8:15 pm

I think her problem stems from an all too common modern problem....that of putting her life in all its dismal glory online for all to see........

_________________
If at any time in 2018 I have annoyed you, pissed you off or said the wrong thing....Suck it up snowflake, cause 2019 AINT gonna be any different

Patience my Ass......I' m gonna KILLsomething

.(It's hard to remember that the task is to drain the swamp, when you are up to your arse in alligators)

[b]I DONT BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Victorismyhero
Victorismyhero
INTERNAL SECURITY DIRECTOR
INTERNAL SECURITY DIRECTOR

Posts : 10290
Join date : 2015-11-06

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Vintage on Wed Jan 09, 2019 8:17 pm

No it doesn't mean putting your life on hold or anything else its about realising that other people are affected by the death and realising that they very well may be upset if you decide to start dating eight weeks after the funeral. That is not saying you shouldn't if you feel ready or need to, just saying remember other people loved the deceased and their grief could be still raw, I'm sure they don't really want to hold her back and I'm sure she doesn't want to seem as though she's disrespecting her dead husband, life goes on but some are not going to find it so easy to accept that quite as quickly has she has been able to.


A death involves more than just your partner, depending on the age, there may be parents and siblings, they are involved like it or not.

Vintage

Posts : 1694
Join date : 2013-08-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by phildidge on Wed Jan 09, 2019 8:20 pm

Vintage wrote:No it doesn't mean putting your life on hold or anything else its about realising that other people are affected by the death and realising that they very well may be upset if you decide to start dating eight weeks after the funeral. That is not saying you shouldn't if you feel ready or need to, just saying remember other people loved the deceased and their grief could be still raw, I'm sure they don't really want to hold her back and I'm sure she doesn't want to seem as though she's disrespecting her dead husband, life goes on but some are not going to find it so easy to accept that quite as quickly has she has been able to.


A death involves more than just your partner, depending on the age, there may be parents and siblings, they are involved like it or not.  


So again, what do you expect that person to do Vintage if they have found love again and want to marry?

I mean to me, I have seen people remarry who have lost loved ones and in every single case. Where sadly the person was dying, they wanted them to find love again. Yes I very much understand people grieve in different ways and how they can and will feel, but you are not stating to me what consideration and compassion should be shown.

I mean you could argue in reverse here in that what consideration and compassion is being shown in to the person wanting to remarry?

Maybe after seeing her husband die, she has come to see the value of life is precious and does not want to waste any time marrying and why i dont think you can ever put a timescale on this

So again I ask, what consideration and compassion do you think should be shown?

phildidge

Posts : 4768
Join date : 2018-11-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Thu Jan 10, 2019 1:44 am

What do people think of her encouraging her son to call her new husband 'daddy'.
Surely that would be like a knife in her late husbands parents hearts.
It may be easy to replace a husband, but alive or dead he will always be that lads father.

_________________
Not everyone likes me, but not everyone matters.
Syl
Syl

Posts : 18160
Join date : 2015-11-12
Location : Manchester

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Maddog on Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:34 am

She should wear black for two years. Cool

I'm not even sure what the word date even means anymore. I actually go out with girls, and guys in groups, or sometimes girls alone. I don't really call it a date. We are just hanging out, so there isn't really a romantic context, at least not from the beginning. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except that mingling and hanging out is probably fine after 8 weeks. A romantic dinner 8 weeks after you buried your husband kind of creeps me out. It sounds like she is one of those people that has to have someone in their life. She probably should have used the period after the death of her husband to figure out why she is like that. And calling the step dad, Daddy is a bit weird. I was a step dad to my 31 year old daughter when she was two. Her real dad wasn't dead, but he may as well have been, but my first name was fine, and it still is.

_________________
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Maddog
Maddog

Posts : 4205
Join date : 2017-09-23
Location : Texas

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by phildidge on Thu Jan 10, 2019 9:31 am

Maddog wrote:She should wear black for two years.  Cool

I'm not even sure what the word date even means anymore. I actually go out with girls, and guys in groups, or sometimes girls alone. I don't really call it a date. We are just hanging out, so there isn't really a romantic context, at least not from the beginning. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except that mingling and hanging out is probably fine after 8 weeks. A romantic dinner 8 weeks after you buried your husband kind of creeps me out. It sounds like she is one of those people that has to have someone in their life. She probably should have used the period after the death of her husband to figure out why she is like that. And calling the step dad, Daddy is a bit weird. I was a step dad to my 31 year old daughter when she was two. Her real dad wasn't dead, but he may as well have been, but my first name was fine, and it still is.      


It may help mate if you actually read the article

It was the boy that decided to call his step dad daddy. One thing I know about children is they will act and percive based on the emotions of the parent. If that parent is happier, then that child will generally end up being happier. As was the case here. 

It may creep you out, but again each individual is different and I do not get the impression she dated because she needed to be in a relationsip. She married two years after her husband died and i fail to see again why people perceive there should be a time period in order for people to find some semblance of happiness again.

The point is about some people being utterly horrible to her that she found happiness and love again, where the question to that is why?Even when she married. Its like some seem to think that a person should never find love again, because their husband or wife has sadly departed.

To me everyone should want to be happy for anyone who has lost someone and the reason they are still being at odds with this, is because they have clearly not going over this, but is that then fair of them to berate others who have been able to move on? She still clearly loves her previous husband and still thinks about him. So just because she has been able to find love again, does not mean she loves him still any less.

phildidge

Posts : 4768
Join date : 2018-11-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Thu Jan 10, 2019 12:58 pm

Maddog wrote:She should wear black for two years.  Cool

I'm not even sure what the word date even means anymore. I actually go out with girls, and guys in groups, or sometimes girls alone. I don't really call it a date. We are just hanging out, so there isn't really a romantic context, at least not from the beginning. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except that mingling and hanging out is probably fine after 8 weeks. A romantic dinner 8 weeks after you buried your husband kind of creeps me out. It sounds like she is one of those people that has to have someone in their life. She probably should have used the period after the death of her husband to figure out why she is like that. And calling the step dad, Daddy is a bit weird. I was a step dad to my 31 year old daughter when she was two. Her real dad wasn't dead, but he may as well have been, but my first name was fine, and it still is.      
I know from seeing it happen in close family that encouraging a child to call a step dad 'daddy' or 'dad' can cause hurt and friction. I have seen kids confused, watching what they say when their real dads are around because the mother has encouraged the kids to address her new husband as dad.

In this womans (the OP) case she not only approves but talks about it online, which is really disrespectful and hurtful to her dead husbands family imo.
Then she wonders why there has been ill feeling....maybe she has brought it on herself by her thoughtlessness.

_________________
Not everyone likes me, but not everyone matters.
Syl
Syl

Posts : 18160
Join date : 2015-11-12
Location : Manchester

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by gelico on Thu Jan 10, 2019 1:49 pm

Syl wrote:
Maddog wrote:She should wear black for two years.  Cool

I'm not even sure what the word date even means anymore. I actually go out with girls, and guys in groups, or sometimes girls alone. I don't really call it a date. We are just hanging out, so there isn't really a romantic context, at least not from the beginning. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except that mingling and hanging out is probably fine after 8 weeks. A romantic dinner 8 weeks after you buried your husband kind of creeps me out. It sounds like she is one of those people that has to have someone in their life. She probably should have used the period after the death of her husband to figure out why she is like that. And calling the step dad, Daddy is a bit weird. I was a step dad to my 31 year old daughter when she was two. Her real dad wasn't dead, but he may as well have been, but my first name was fine, and it still is.      
I know from seeing it happen in close family that encouraging a child to call a step dad 'daddy' or 'dad' can cause hurt and friction. I have seen kids confused, watching what they say when their real dads are around because the mother has encouraged the kids to address her new husband as dad.

In this womans (the OP) case she not only approves but talks about it online, which is really disrespectful and hurtful to her dead husbands family imo.
Then she wonders why there has been ill feeling....maybe she has brought it on herself by her thoughtlessness.

hey syl, i got asked out a couple of times within a short space of hubby dying (i said no) and i talked to my kids about it. they were laughing and teasing me about it but my youngest said ''if you get a boyfriend will he have to be my dad'' to which my response was a firm ''no''

gelico

Posts : 2069
Join date : 2017-07-07

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Thu Jan 10, 2019 2:05 pm

gelico wrote:
Syl wrote:
I know from seeing it happen in close family that encouraging a child to call a step dad 'daddy' or 'dad' can cause hurt and friction. I have seen kids confused, watching what they say when their real dads are around because the mother has encouraged the kids to address her new husband as dad.

In this womans (the OP) case she not only approves but talks about it online, which is really disrespectful and hurtful to her dead husbands family imo.
Then she wonders why there has been ill feeling....maybe she has brought it on herself by her thoughtlessness.

hey syl, i got asked out a couple of times within a short space of hubby dying (i said no) and i talked to my kids about it.  they were laughing and teasing me about it but my youngest said ''if you get a boyfriend will he have to be my dad'' to which my response was a firm ''no''
Hiya Gel, I think you are so right too.

My son is with a lovely girl who has young children, from the beginning he made it clear he was not their dad (like Maddog their real dad  doesnt bother to see them) they call him by his first name and it's fine.
They did called me nana a few times, but I like them to call me by my first name...which they now happily do.

I dont want to replace their nana and my son doesnt want to replace their dad....just as no one could ever replace their mum if anything happened.

_________________
Not everyone likes me, but not everyone matters.
Syl
Syl

Posts : 18160
Join date : 2015-11-12
Location : Manchester

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by phildidge on Thu Jan 10, 2019 2:23 pm

gelico wrote:
Syl wrote:
I know from seeing it happen in close family that encouraging a child to call a step dad 'daddy' or 'dad' can cause hurt and friction. I have seen kids confused, watching what they say when their real dads are around because the mother has encouraged the kids to address her new husband as dad.

In this womans (the OP) case she not only approves but talks about it online, which is really disrespectful and hurtful to her dead husbands family imo.
Then she wonders why there has been ill feeling....maybe she has brought it on herself by her thoughtlessness.

hey syl, i got asked out a couple of times within a short space of hubby dying (i said no) and i talked to my kids about it.  they were laughing and teasing me about it but my youngest said ''if you get a boyfriend will he have to be my dad'' to which my response was a firm ''no''
  

But that is your decision and your sons Gelico.

Nobody should be forced to calll someone dad, but if people or children choose to, then that is their choice

For many children ,love having a father and a step dad and call both accordingly dad.

We even now have for example two fathers with two gay men married that have kids

To say the term should only apply to the biological father, is to me absurd. If a child wishes to refer to their adopted dad, step father ect and call them daddy, then that is their choice and is taking nothing away from the biological father.

I mean for example if Eddies little girl calls Ben, daddy. Are any going to object here?

People need to grasp that everyone will feel individually different in every single case.

phildidge

Posts : 4768
Join date : 2018-11-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Maddog on Thu Jan 10, 2019 3:58 pm

Syl wrote:
Maddog wrote:She should wear black for two years.  Cool

I'm not even sure what the word date even means anymore. I actually go out with girls, and guys in groups, or sometimes girls alone. I don't really call it a date. We are just hanging out, so there isn't really a romantic context, at least not from the beginning. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except that mingling and hanging out is probably fine after 8 weeks. A romantic dinner 8 weeks after you buried your husband kind of creeps me out. It sounds like she is one of those people that has to have someone in their life. She probably should have used the period after the death of her husband to figure out why she is like that. And calling the step dad, Daddy is a bit weird. I was a step dad to my 31 year old daughter when she was two. Her real dad wasn't dead, but he may as well have been, but my first name was fine, and it still is.      
I know from seeing it happen in close family that encouraging a child to call a step dad 'daddy' or 'dad' can cause hurt and friction. I have seen kids confused, watching what they say when their real dads are around because the mother has encouraged the kids to address her new husband as dad.

In this womans (the OP) case she not only approves but talks about it online, which is really disrespectful and hurtful to her dead husbands family imo.
Then she wonders why there has been ill feeling....maybe she has brought it on herself by her thoughtlessness.

As a step dad I never wanted to be called daddy. I had enough sense to know that that would cause problems, and kids usually pay for problems. So this is where adults step in and provide guidance.

_________________
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Maddog
Maddog

Posts : 4205
Join date : 2017-09-23
Location : Texas

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Thu Jan 10, 2019 4:01 pm

Maddog wrote:
Syl wrote:
I know from seeing it happen in close family that encouraging a child to call a step dad 'daddy' or 'dad' can cause hurt and friction. I have seen kids confused, watching what they say when their real dads are around because the mother has encouraged the kids to address her new husband as dad.

In this womans (the OP) case she not only approves but talks about it online, which is really disrespectful and hurtful to her dead husbands family imo.
Then she wonders why there has been ill feeling....maybe she has brought it on herself by her thoughtlessness.

As a step dad I never wanted to be called daddy. I had enough  sense to know that that would cause problems, and kids usually pay for problems.  So this is where adults step in and provide guidance.
alien

_________________
Not everyone likes me, but not everyone matters.
Syl
Syl

Posts : 18160
Join date : 2015-11-12
Location : Manchester

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Maddog on Thu Jan 10, 2019 4:04 pm

Thor wrote:
Maddog wrote:She should wear black for two years.  Cool

I'm not even sure what the word date even means anymore. I actually go out with girls, and guys in groups, or sometimes girls alone. I don't really call it a date. We are just hanging out, so there isn't really a romantic context, at least not from the beginning. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except that mingling and hanging out is probably fine after 8 weeks. A romantic dinner 8 weeks after you buried your husband kind of creeps me out. It sounds like she is one of those people that has to have someone in their life. She probably should have used the period after the death of her husband to figure out why she is like that. And calling the step dad, Daddy is a bit weird. I was a step dad to my 31 year old daughter when she was two. Her real dad wasn't dead, but he may as well have been, but my first name was fine, and it still is.      


It may help mate if you actually read the article

It was the boy that decided to call his step dad daddy. One thing I know about children is they will act and percive based on the emotions of the parent. If that parent is happier, then that child will generally end up being happier. As was the case here. 

It may creep you out, but again each individual is different and I do not get the impression she dated because she needed to be in a relationsip. She married two years after her husband died and i fail to see again why people perceive there should be a time period in order for people to find some semblance of happiness again.

The point is about some people being utterly horrible to her that she found happiness and love again, where the question to that is why?Even when she married. Its like some seem to think that a person should never find love again, because their husband or wife has sadly departed.

To me everyone should want to be happy for anyone who has lost someone and the reason they are still being at odds with this, is because they have clearly not going over this, but is that then fair of them to berate others who have been able to move on? She still clearly loves her previous husband and still thinks about him. So just because she has been able to find love again, does not mean she loves him still any less.

I actually read the article. Then I gave my opinion. Some folks would be OK with her sleeping with the gravedigger who buried her husband, 45 minutes after he was planted. Perhaps in the back of the hearse? Others think a person who actually loved someone is incapable of a one on one date for several months after the death of their loved one.


_________________
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Maddog
Maddog

Posts : 4205
Join date : 2017-09-23
Location : Texas

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by nicko on Thu Jan 10, 2019 4:20 pm

" Sleeping with the Grave Digger" Laughing
nicko
nicko

Posts : 11296
Join date : 2013-12-07
Age : 78
Location : rainbow bridge

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by phildidge on Thu Jan 10, 2019 4:32 pm

Maddog wrote:
Thor wrote:


It may help mate if you actually read the article

It was the boy that decided to call his step dad daddy. One thing I know about children is they will act and percive based on the emotions of the parent. If that parent is happier, then that child will generally end up being happier. As was the case here. 

It may creep you out, but again each individual is different and I do not get the impression she dated because she needed to be in a relationsip. She married two years after her husband died and i fail to see again why people perceive there should be a time period in order for people to find some semblance of happiness again.

The point is about some people being utterly horrible to her that she found happiness and love again, where the question to that is why?Even when she married. Its like some seem to think that a person should never find love again, because their husband or wife has sadly departed.

To me everyone should want to be happy for anyone who has lost someone and the reason they are still being at odds with this, is because they have clearly not going over this, but is that then fair of them to berate others who have been able to move on? She still clearly loves her previous husband and still thinks about him. So just because she has been able to find love again, does not mean she loves him still any less.

I actually read the article.  Then I gave my opinion. Some folks would be OK with her sleeping with the gravedigger who buried her husband, 45 minutes after he was planted. Perhaps in the back of the hearse?  Others think a person who actually loved someone is incapable of a one on one date for several months after the death of their loved one.



Odd how you missed so much and then invented so much about the individual then.

Maybe its your tablet again

Hence the point it is just an opinion and saying how long someone should wait is based on how well someone can move on. Is so subjective and quite pathetic when others judge someone based on their own subjective views on this. Even more when the reality is this is about people being able to move on and be happy again. Some sadly can never move on, but I find it absurd how some judge this again based on their own ideas. Hence to me those people lead with a negative outlook and not a positive one. 

Who knows

Like I said, the point is here, both are happy, both loved and still love husband/dad that has passed away. So if they are happy, why then should not everyone else be happy? Unless people want others to remain unhappy of course? I mean what sort of mentall health situation do some here want people to remain in?

phildidge

Posts : 4768
Join date : 2018-11-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by phildidge on Thu Jan 10, 2019 4:35 pm

Maddog wrote:
Syl wrote:
I know from seeing it happen in close family that encouraging a child to call a step dad 'daddy' or 'dad' can cause hurt and friction. I have seen kids confused, watching what they say when their real dads are around because the mother has encouraged the kids to address her new husband as dad.

In this womans (the OP) case she not only approves but talks about it online, which is really disrespectful and hurtful to her dead husbands family imo.
Then she wonders why there has been ill feeling....maybe she has brought it on herself by her thoughtlessness.

As a step dad I never wanted to be called daddy. I had enough  sense to know that that would cause problems, and kids usually pay for problems.  So this is where adults step in and provide guidance.


But what if they wanted to call you dad and you then made them not happy doing so?

Kids are generally happy, if you engage in that love and happiness

Why do you think it would always cause problems, where in many situations it does not?

The reason is and it shows is that some people simple cannot be adult enough about a situation. Espcially when there is a seperation of parents and they have new partners. Its generally not them thinking about the children and only themselves. As if all are on board and happy for the children, how then why would it be complicated?

phildidge

Posts : 4768
Join date : 2018-11-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Vintage on Thu Jan 10, 2019 4:48 pm

A relative of mine started seeing a woman while his wife was suffering a terminal illness, he hardly spent time at the house while she was ill, leaving it to his children, who were rather nonplussed at his behaviour. he did manage to go to the funeral but shocked his children by marrying the girlfriend four months after the funeral and moving her into the family home. None of his children went to the wedding as they had found out he had been seeing her during their mother's illness. A bit previous maybe but should he be blamed, were his children unreasonable or should they be glad he found a new love, it's his life, should he have got on with the new relationship  regardless, after all his wife was on the way out perhaps he viewed her as already gone and therefore their relationship over and he was free to move on, just didn't wait until she was actually cold.

Vintage

Posts : 1694
Join date : 2013-08-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by phildidge on Thu Jan 10, 2019 4:52 pm

Vintage wrote:A relative of mine started seeing a woman while his wife was suffering a terminal illness, he hardly spent time at the house while she was ill, leaving it to his children, who were rather nonplussed at his behaviour. he did manage to go to the funeral but shocked his children by marrying the girlfriend four months after the funeral and moving her into the family home. None of his children went to the wedding as they had found out he had been seeing her during their mother's illness. A bit previous maybe but should he be blamed, were his children unreasonable or should they be glad he found a new love, it's his life, should he have got on with the new relationship  regardless, after all his wife was on the way out perhaps he viewed her as already gone and  therefore their relationship over and he was free to move on, just didn't wait until she was actually cold.

Well he clearly did not care for her, to leave her when terminally ill. I mean people vow to be together in sickness and health, with their wedding vows.

BUt that is the not the case in the story, where she was by his side all the time when ill and was not seeing someone whilst he was dying

Two completely seperate situations. So not sure how you think this is even comparable?

phildidge

Posts : 4768
Join date : 2018-11-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Thu Jan 10, 2019 5:16 pm

Vintage wrote:A relative of mine started seeing a woman while his wife was suffering a terminal illness, he hardly spent time at the house while she was ill, leaving it to his children, who were rather nonplussed at his behaviour. he did manage to go to the funeral but shocked his children by marrying the girlfriend four months after the funeral and moving her into the family home. None of his children went to the wedding as they had found out he had been seeing her during their mother's illness. A bit previous maybe but should he be blamed, were his children unreasonable or should they be glad he found a new love, it's his life, should he have got on with the new relationship  regardless, after all his wife was on the way out perhaps he viewed her as already gone and  therefore their relationship over and he was free to move on, just didn't wait until she was actually cold.

The quick synopsis of what you say about your relative doesn't paint a very kind or caring husband.If a partner is terminally ill needing care at home, surely no one should be leaving the children to cope with all that entails.
I have heard of cases where the partner of a terminally ill person has started an affair with the nurse who is supposed to be caring for their dying spouse …..which proves some people are selfish uncaring bastards.

On the other hand, say a person is suffering from dementia or alzheimer's and they dont even recognise their spouse or partner anymore. This can go on for years, would anyone begrudge a partner finding love again?


_________________
Not everyone likes me, but not everyone matters.
Syl
Syl

Posts : 18160
Join date : 2015-11-12
Location : Manchester

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by gelico on Thu Jan 10, 2019 5:20 pm

Syl wrote:
Vintage wrote:A relative of mine started seeing a woman while his wife was suffering a terminal illness, he hardly spent time at the house while she was ill, leaving it to his children, who were rather nonplussed at his behaviour. he did manage to go to the funeral but shocked his children by marrying the girlfriend four months after the funeral and moving her into the family home. None of his children went to the wedding as they had found out he had been seeing her during their mother's illness. A bit previous maybe but should he be blamed, were his children unreasonable or should they be glad he found a new love, it's his life, should he have got on with the new relationship  regardless, after all his wife was on the way out perhaps he viewed her as already gone and  therefore their relationship over and he was free to move on, just didn't wait until she was actually cold.

The quick synopsis of what you say about your relative doesn't paint a very kind or caring husband.If a partner is terminally ill needing care at home, surely no one should be leaving the children to cope with all that entails.
I have heard of cases where the partner of a terminally ill person has started an affair with the nurse who is supposed to be caring for their dying spouse  …..which proves some people are selfish uncaring bastards.

On the other hand, say a person is suffering from dementia or alzheimer's and they dont even recognise their spouse or partner anymore. This can go on for years, would anyone begrudge a partner finding love again?


i knew a couple (parents of a friend). the dad got alzheimers and his wife cared for him up until the point where she couldnt even pop to the shops for fear of what might happen and then he went into a home and she went to live with her daughter and family in an annexe. they visited the home everyday but after a while the dad made friends with the other patients in there and seemed to enjoy himself. my friend told me though that for his mum to witness his dad enjoying the company of other women was agonising for her even though he was off his chump and didn't know what was happening.


alzheimers and dementia are possibly the worst because you lose that person but you cannot grieve because in effect they are still there

wtf do you do in a situation like that?

heartbreaking

Evil or Very Mad

gelico

Posts : 2069
Join date : 2017-07-07

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Thu Jan 10, 2019 5:39 pm

gelico wrote:
Syl wrote:

The quick synopsis of what you say about your relative doesn't paint a very kind or caring husband.If a partner is terminally ill needing care at home, surely no one should be leaving the children to cope with all that entails.
I have heard of cases where the partner of a terminally ill person has started an affair with the nurse who is supposed to be caring for their dying spouse  …..which proves some people are selfish uncaring bastards.

On the other hand, say a person is suffering from dementia or alzheimer's and they dont even recognise their spouse or partner anymore. This can go on for years, would anyone begrudge a partner finding love again?


i knew a couple (parents of a friend).  the dad got alzheimers and his wife cared for him up until the point where she couldnt even pop to the shops for fear of what might happen and then he went into a home and she went to live with her daughter and family in an annexe.  they visited the home everyday but after a while the dad made friends with the other patients in there and seemed to enjoy himself.  my friend told me though that for his mum to witness his dad enjoying the company of other women was agonising for her even though he was off his chump and didn't know what was happening.


alzheimers and dementia are possibly the worst because you lose that person but you cannot grieve because in effect they are still there

wtf do you do in a situation like that?

heartbreaking

Evil or Very Mad


I have never looked at it from the side of the partner who still has all their faculties being upset that their spose who doesn't, is enjoying their new life without them.....more usually the spouse is relieved if their husband/wife settles in and enjoys their time being cared for in a residential home.
It has to be one of the worst decisions anyone makes to realise that their loved one needs full time care and they can no longer cope at home.

Unfortunately I have spent a lot of time in care homes, more recently with my MIL, she was 104, but sadly some of the others were in their 50's and 60's....one lady was still in her 40's, so it's not only a disease that affects the old.

_________________
Not everyone likes me, but not everyone matters.
Syl
Syl

Posts : 18160
Join date : 2015-11-12
Location : Manchester

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Vintage on Thu Jan 10, 2019 5:50 pm

Its only comparable in terms of time and opportunity, is there a cut off point, some people take a long time, some people need hardly any time, some people get the opportunity and take it, others may get the opportunity and don't take it perhaps never to get an opportunity again, the consensus seems to be take your opportunity when it comes along, regardless of the timescale and the feelings of the relatives of the deceased, because its your life and you do what you have to do, which I don't necessarily argue with so in the case of my relative, you could argue his opportunity came along and in the circumstances he decided to take it in case he didn't get it again.
With the question of Alzheimer's etc. maybe you could argue the person you married is no longer there, as good as dead in some cases, do you hang on waiting or live your life and find someone else, provided the incapacitated person is cared for.

Vintage

Posts : 1694
Join date : 2013-08-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Thu Jan 10, 2019 5:59 pm

Vintage wrote:Its only comparable in terms of time and opportunity, is there a cut off point, some people take a long time, some people need hardly any time, some people get the opportunity and take it, others may get the opportunity and don't take it perhaps never to get an opportunity again, the consensus seems to be take your opportunity when it comes along, regardless of the timescale and the feelings of the relatives of the deceased, because its your life and you do what you have to do, which I don't necessarily argue with so in the case of my relative, you could argue his opportunity came along and in the circumstances he decided to take it in case he didn't get it again.
With the question of Alzheimer's etc. maybe you could argue the person you married is no longer there, as good as dead in some cases, do you hang on waiting or live your life and find someone else, provided the incapacitated person is cared for.

I was reading about Barbara Windsor recently who is now suffering quite badly with alzheimers, her husband cares for her and obviously loves her very much. He says himself she now no longer can be left alone, sometimes doesnt know who he is, doesnt always recognise her own home, obviously she will deteriate more ....it's an incredibly cruel disease.

I dont think any reasonable person would begrudge a person carrying on living their life when their partner no longer knows who they are.

_________________
Not everyone likes me, but not everyone matters.
Syl
Syl

Posts : 18160
Join date : 2015-11-12
Location : Manchester

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Maddog on Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:37 pm

Thor wrote:
Maddog wrote:

I actually read the article.  Then I gave my opinion. Some folks would be OK with her sleeping with the gravedigger who buried her husband, 45 minutes after he was planted. Perhaps in the back of the hearse?  Others think a person who actually loved someone is incapable of a one on one date for several months after the death of their loved one.



Odd how you missed so much and then invented so much about the individual then.

Maybe its your tablet again

Hence the point it is just an opinion and saying how long someone should wait is based on how well someone can move on. Is so subjective and quite pathetic when others judge someone based on their own subjective views on this. Even more when the reality is this is about people being able to move on and be happy again. Some sadly can never move on, but I find it absurd how some judge this again based on their own ideas. Hence to me those people lead with a negative outlook and not a positive one. 

Who knows

Like I said, the point is here, both are happy, both loved and still love husband/dad that has passed away. So if they are happy, why then should not everyone else be happy? Unless people want others to remain unhappy of course? I mean what sort of mentall health situation do some here want people to remain in?

Yes. It's subjective. In my opinion the marriage is fine. The date at 8 weeks was a little early and 45 minutes would be way too early.

_________________
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Maddog
Maddog

Posts : 4205
Join date : 2017-09-23
Location : Texas

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Maddog on Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:42 pm

Thor wrote:
Maddog wrote:

As a step dad I never wanted to be called daddy. I had enough  sense to know that that would cause problems, and kids usually pay for problems.  So this is where adults step in and provide guidance.


But what if they wanted to call you dad and you then made them not happy doing so?

Kids are generally happy, if you engage in that love and happiness

Why do you think it would always cause problems, where in many situations it does not?

The reason is and it shows is that some people simple cannot be adult enough about a situation. Espcially when there is a seperation of parents and they have new partners. Its generally not them thinking about the children and only themselves. As if all are on board and happy for the children, how then why would it be complicated?

She may have been happy calling me asshole a few times too. It may have even been accurate a few times. But I would still tell her that I would prefer to be called by first name and she can save that term for her real dad.

_________________
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Maddog
Maddog

Posts : 4205
Join date : 2017-09-23
Location : Texas

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by phildidge on Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:44 pm

Maddog wrote:
Thor wrote:


But what if they wanted to call you dad and you then made them not happy doing so?

Kids are generally happy, if you engage in that love and happiness

Why do you think it would always cause problems, where in many situations it does not?

The reason is and it shows is that some people simple cannot be adult enough about a situation. Espcially when there is a seperation of parents and they have new partners. Its generally not them thinking about the children and only themselves. As if all are on board and happy for the children, how then why would it be complicated?

She may have been happy calling me asshole a few times too.  It may have even been accurate a few times.  But I would still tell her that I would prefer to be called by first name and she can save that term for her real dad.  

If you did not mind asshole, why mind dad?

Maybe she saw you as a far better dad, and the dad she wanted to be raised by?

Like I say what does it matter, when the child is happy this way?

Where again many children are happy this way

Each to their own I guess

phildidge

Posts : 4768
Join date : 2018-11-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Maddog on Thu Jan 10, 2019 9:26 pm

Thor wrote:
Maddog wrote:

She may have been happy calling me asshole a few times too.  It may have even been accurate a few times.  But I would still tell her that I would prefer to be called by first name and she can save that term for her real dad.  

If you did not mind asshole, why mind dad?

Maybe she saw you as a far better dad, and the dad she wanted to be raised by?

Like I say what does it matter, when the child is happy this way?

Where again many children are happy this way

Each to their own I guess

I would have minded asshole. And I would have told her as much, even if I deserved it.

And I know that if something happened to her husband, she wouldn't be going on a date in 8 weeks. She would be out doing things, trying to move on, but dating would be something that would require the passing of more time. And if she asked my opinion, I would tell her to wait.

_________________
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Maddog
Maddog

Posts : 4205
Join date : 2017-09-23
Location : Texas

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Page 2 of 2 Previous  1, 2

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum