How soon is too soon?

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How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:50 pm

This woman is writing about her experience of being shunned by family and friends after dating so soon after her husband died.
Should a bereaved partner mourn for a certain length of time before moving on with their lives, or is it fair to say life is for the living, whether it be 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years.....go for it if you want to find love again.


"A widowed mum claims she was shunned by friends and family members because she began dating eight weeks after her husband died
Natalie Drury's husband Tim Madeley, 50, passed away on New Year's Day 2015, following a short battle with brain cancer.
Eight weeks later, the 42-year-old nursery cook went on her first date since he died.
Although it didn't progress into a relationship, Natalie claims the criticism she faced then and still faces today has been devastating.
Despite receiving support from most of her family, Natalie said that she had a hard time from friends and family - especially those on Tim's side
.Now happily married for the second time after finding love online, Natalie is speaking to encourage others to stop being so judgemental about love after bereavement."

Natalie with her late husband Tim.




https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/mum-shunned-friends-family-after-13806765

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:59 pm

I worked with a man who lost his wife suddenly, it was pretty sickening how a couple of women made a beeline for him so soon after his wife had died.
One even before her funeral had been held.
He did start dating her best friend a few weeks after he was widowed, they are now happily married.

Some people did disapprove, mostly behind their backs.

If it was my OH left behind I would want him to live his life happily without me, I know he would never forget me, but if one partner is dead it doesn't mean the other one has to die with them.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Vintage on Mon Jan 07, 2019 3:30 pm

8 weeks sounds a bit soon but everyone is different, some people need the comfort of a relationship like this asap or it just happens, others need time to even think about another relationship. It has to be whatever works for the person, its hard for the family of the deceased to come to terms with I suppose. The length of time someone mourns isn't always an indication of how much someone is actually missed by the surviving partner. We had a family member who lost his wife of many years who he loved dearly but met someone almost straight away, he went around the close family basically asking for permission to see this new lady, everyone was ok with it, he was the kind of person hopeless on his own, they were all only too glad he'd found someone else.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by gelico on Mon Jan 07, 2019 4:37 pm



my mum died of cancer in 2010. by 2011 my dad was dating the woman who was her best friend and is still with her now. they only see each other once a week or so cos they're both busy but they've been on holiday together.

both of them have said that they are not marrying again though

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Mon Jan 07, 2019 5:15 pm

gelico wrote:

my mum died of cancer in 2010.  by 2011 my dad was dating the woman who was her best friend and is still with her now.  they only see each other once a week or so cos they're both busy but they've been on holiday together.

both of them have said that they are not marrying again though

Sorry to hear of your mums death Gels, my mum died in 2010 too.

It's funny how some people gravitate towards the best friend of their partner after the spouse has died.
In the case of my male friend, his wife and her bf were so alike physically, people always thought the were sisters.
It's worked out for them because they have been happily married for about 12 years now.
His first wife who died very young has never been forgotten by either of them.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Mon Jan 07, 2019 5:20 pm

Vintage wrote:8 weeks sounds a bit soon but everyone is different, some people need the comfort of a relationship like this asap or it just happens, others need time to even think about another relationship. It has to be whatever works for the person, its hard for the family of the deceased to come to terms with I suppose. The length of time someone mourns isn't always an indication of how much someone is actually missed by the surviving partner. We had a family member who lost his wife of many years who he loved dearly but met someone almost straight away, he went around the close family basically asking for permission to see this new lady, everyone was ok with it, he was the kind of person hopeless on his own, they were all only too glad he'd found someone else.

I too understand why the family of the deceased could be upset if the widow/er starts dating so soon after they passed, I'm not sure why, in the case of the OP other family and friends are against it though.

I think one of the problems nowadays is people are looking for approval from everyone, whether it concerns them or not.
Some people do like to judge others....even total strangers on social media like to have a say in everyone elses lives.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Mon Jan 07, 2019 5:24 pm

Maybe posting pics like this on social media could hurt some of her deceased husbands family.


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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Original Quill on Mon Jan 07, 2019 5:56 pm

If they really loved her, they would be happy for her., wouldn't they? Look at those happy smiles.

I mean, I could understand if it was proved she had been cheating on the deceased husband.  But this is a completely new start.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Mon Jan 07, 2019 6:01 pm

Original Quill wrote:If they really loved her, they would be happy for her., wouldn't they?  Look at those happy smiles.

I mean, I could understand if it was proved she had been cheating on the deceased husband.  But this is a completely new start.

Maybe her in-laws loved their son more, and think that she has disrespected his memory.
I do think people have to consider the feelings of others, especially when a loved one has died.

Yes she must move on and live her life, and they do look very happy, but maybe not post her happiness all over social media if she knows her actions are upsetting others.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by nicko on Mon Jan 07, 2019 6:30 pm

Very insensitive photo !
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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Original Quill on Mon Jan 07, 2019 6:49 pm

Syl wrote:
Original Quill wrote:If they really loved her, they would be happy for her., wouldn't they?  Look at those happy smiles.

I mean, I could understand if it was proved she had been cheating on the deceased husband.  But this is a completely new start.

Maybe her in-laws loved their son more, and think that she has disrespected his memory.
I do think people have to consider the feelings of others, especially when a loved one has died.

Yes she must move on and live her life, and they do look very happy, but maybe not post her happiness all over social media if she knows her actions are upsetting others.

I don't see the competition. First, someone has to make an issue of it.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Mon Jan 07, 2019 6:57 pm

Original Quill wrote:
Syl wrote:

Maybe her in-laws loved their son more, and think that she has disrespected his memory.
I do think people have to consider the feelings of others, especially when a loved one has died.

Yes she must move on and live her life, and they do look very happy, but maybe not post her happiness all over social media if she knows her actions are upsetting others.

I don't see the competition.  First, someone has to make an issue of it.

Well in this case obviously the fact that she began dating 8 weeks after her husband died has upset some members of his family. There is a child involved, so perhaps the family thought he hadn't been given time to grieve before she introduced other boyfriends to him....if indeed that's what happened.

Also the fact that like so many peoples private lives this is now played out for everyone to see and comment on on social media, that could be considered insensitive at best dont you think?

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by HoratioTarr on Mon Jan 07, 2019 7:53 pm

All I can say is that if I lost my husband, I'd be so fucking devastated, there's no way I'd even consider dating, never mind marrying again.
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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Mon Jan 07, 2019 7:57 pm

HoratioTarr wrote:All I can say is that if I lost my husband, I'd be so fucking devastated, there's no way I'd even consider dating, never mind marrying again.

Me too...now we are getting on we talk  about this sometimes. I get scared when I think of life without him, we have been together for 46 years now. The only time we have been apart is the very odd time I have been in hospital.
On the other hand, I honestly would want him to live his life and find happiness where and when he could.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Vintage on Mon Jan 07, 2019 8:43 pm

It's certainly a scary thought not having them there after so many years, almost like being cut in half.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by HoratioTarr on Mon Jan 07, 2019 8:46 pm

Syl wrote:
HoratioTarr wrote:All I can say is that if I lost my husband, I'd be so fucking devastated, there's no way I'd even consider dating, never mind marrying again.

Me too...now we are getting on we talk  about this sometimes. I get scared when I think of life without him, we have been together for 46 years now. The only time we have been apart is the very odd time I have been in hospital.
On the other hand, I honestly would want him to live his life and find happiness where and when he could.

I think you get to a certain age where you can't bounce back. I've long had a feeling that my death will be a suicide. Since I was a child. And not a depressive type and I've no intention at the moment. But one day, I'll just have had enough and it'll be time to go.
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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by nicko on Mon Jan 07, 2019 9:01 pm

H/T, I reached that point some time ago, I have another Birth day shortly and I just think what's the point, another day of pain with no prospect of relief.
But always think tomorrow will be better !
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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by HoratioTarr on Mon Jan 07, 2019 9:03 pm

nicko wrote:H/T, I reached that point some time ago, I have another Birth day shortly and I just think what's the point, another day of pain with no prospect of relief.
But always think tomorrow will be better !

Some people are just happy to carry on. I know someone with end stage MS, he's curled into a ball, wracked with pain, totally helpless. A living death. I just don't want to live like that. I don't want to live past the time I want to die. It's that simple.
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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by HoratioTarr on Mon Jan 07, 2019 9:05 pm

nicko wrote:H/T, I reached that point some time ago, I have another Birth day shortly and I just think what's the point, another day of pain with no prospect of relief.
But always think tomorrow will be better !

I refuse to live a life of pain and disability in old age just because someone else thinks they can't live without me. That's not fair on me. I've spent most of my life giving to others. I'm damned if I'll die for their benefit, or live so that they don't have to grieve or it's inconvenient for them.
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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Vintage on Mon Jan 07, 2019 9:19 pm

It's your life, yours to end when you feel enough is enough. If people have a terminal illness at any adult stage or someone getting on a bit with all that can come with that and life is intolerable and they are able to make their own mind up, they should be allowed to die with dignity at a time and place of their choosing with medical as sistance not to be left to try and finish it themselves in various ways and fail or to have to go sooner than they wish because they won't be capable of doing it themselves or travelling for help. It's cruel to deny this for religious reasons or to be scared that all and sundry will be strong arming granny to stop being a nuisance.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by HoratioTarr on Mon Jan 07, 2019 10:36 pm

Vintage wrote:It's your life, yours to end when you feel enough is enough. If people have a terminal illness at any adult stage or someone getting on a bit with all that can come with that and life is intolerable and they are able to make their own mind up, they should be allowed to die with dignity at a time and place of their choosing with medical as sistance not to be left to try and finish it themselves in various ways and fail or to have to go sooner than they wish because they won't be capable of doing it themselves or travelling for help. It's cruel to deny this for religious reasons or to be scared that all and sundry will be strong arming granny to stop being a nuisance.

Exactly.
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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Tue Jan 08, 2019 1:45 am

HoratioTarr wrote:
Syl wrote:

Me too...now we are getting on we talk  about this sometimes. I get scared when I think of life without him, we have been together for 46 years now. The only time we have been apart is the very odd time I have been in hospital.
On the other hand, I honestly would want him to live his life and find happiness where and when he could.

I think you get to a certain age where you can't bounce back.   I've long had a feeling that my death will be a suicide.  Since I was a child.  And not a depressive type and I've no intention at the moment.  But one day,  I'll just have had enough and it'll be time to go.

I think a lot of people have the same thoughts tbh.
I have seen enough pain caused by dementia, illness  and helplessness in old age to know that's not what I want.
Obviously till any of us are in that position we cant say for sure, and sadly when some are in that position they are too far gone to do anything to help themselves.

It is about time people had the legal right to be medically assisted to die in this country. Why should they have to haul themselves abroad to Switzerland in order to die in peace and comfort in the way they choose, rather than suffering on and on?

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Original Quill on Tue Jan 08, 2019 4:18 am

Syl wrote:
Original Quill wrote:

I don't see the competition.  First, someone has to make an issue of it.

Well in this case obviously the fact that she began dating 8 weeks after her husband died has upset some members of his family. There is a child involved, so perhaps the family thought he hadn't been given time to grieve before she introduced other boyfriends to him....if indeed that's what happened.

Also the fact that like so many peoples private lives this is now played out for everyone to see and comment on on social media, that  could be considered insensitive at best dont you think?

Has the deceased husband's family made an issue of it?

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Tue Jan 08, 2019 11:41 am

Original Quill wrote:
Syl wrote:

Well in this case obviously the fact that she began dating 8 weeks after her husband died has upset some members of his family. There is a child involved, so perhaps the family thought he hadn't been given time to grieve before she introduced other boyfriends to him....if indeed that's what happened.

Also the fact that like so many peoples private lives this is now played out for everyone to see and comment on on social media, that  could be considered insensitive at best dont you think?

Has the deceased husband's family made an issue of it?

Have you read the OP and link Quill?

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Original Quill on Tue Jan 08, 2019 5:31 pm

I did once. It appears that no one specifically made an issue of it.

I mean, there can be asides, and whispers--and even a lot of that is fictitious paranoia--but unless someone actually challenges her, it's really uncharted waters.

If the in-laws want to maintain a relationship with his children, they'd better learn how to get along.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Tue Jan 08, 2019 6:10 pm

Original Quill wrote:I did once.  It appears that no one specifically made an issue of it.

I mean, there can be asides, and whispers--and even a lot of that is fictitious paranoia--but unless someone actually challenges her, it's really uncharted waters.

If the in-laws want to maintain a relationship with his children, they'd better learn how to get along.

The article states..".Despite receiving support from most of her family, Natalie said that she had a hard time from friends and family - especially those on Tim's side"


She doesnt target anyone specifically.....if she had I imagine that would make matters a whole lot worse.
I agree that trying not to make an issue of anything, no matter how hurtful, is best if there are children involved.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Original Quill on Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:28 pm

Syl wrote:
Original Quill wrote:I did once.  It appears that no one specifically made an issue of it.

I mean, there can be asides, and whispers--and even a lot of that is fictitious paranoia--but unless someone actually challenges her, it's really uncharted waters.

If the in-laws want to maintain a relationship with his children, they'd better learn how to get along.

The article states..".Despite receiving support from most of her family, Natalie said that she had a hard time from friends and family - especially those on Tim's side"


She doesnt target anyone specifically.....if she had I imagine that would make matters a whole lot worse.
I agree that trying not to make an issue of anything, no matter how hurtful, is best if there are children involved.

Meh..."hard time" could be in her imagination...or anywhere else, for that matter.  At least, no one filed a complaint seeking custody or anything like that.

I think she would find that those former 'in-laws' who didn't like her when hubby was alive, found a convenient excuse to criticize after his death.  Family politics, for heaven sake. I wouldn't worry, if I were her.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Thor on Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:42 pm

In the many people I have known who have lost loved ones, those who are sadly dying. In every single case have wanted them to find love.

Why should a timescale matter on this, seriously?

If that is what their partners wanted and they found love quickly again. How would that some how be wrong and if any family member was against that. Then they are not truely thinking of the member they have lost. Everyone mourns at different levels, but to take issue because someone finds love again. Means the problem is with that person, because they have not accepted that thir loved one has gone. Just because they have been able to move on, does not give anyone a right because they have not, to berate someone because they have.

It does not mean they love the person they have lost any less. People should stop berating others, when they are going through one of the most difficult times of their life, to when they then find happiness again. They should always be supportive

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:50 pm

Original Quill wrote:
Syl wrote:

The article states..".Despite receiving support from most of her family, Natalie said that she had a hard time from friends and family - especially those on Tim's side"


She doesnt target anyone specifically.....if she had I imagine that would make matters a whole lot worse.
I agree that trying not to make an issue of anything, no matter how hurtful, is best if there are children involved.

Meh..."hard time" could be in her imagination...or anywhere else, for that matter.  At least, no one filed a complaint seeking custody or anything like that.

I think she would find that those former 'in-laws' who didn't like her when hubby was alive, found a convenient excuse to criticize after his death.  Family politics, for heaven sake.  I wouldn't worry, if I were her.
Thats the problem though in todays society, people do worry and fret too much about what others think.
At the end of the day, apart from close friends and family, why should anyone know or care who anyone goes out with..whether they be single, divorced or widowed?
If you put your business out on social media obviously there will always be some who want to criticise....so if you are bothered about what the world and his wife thinks about you....stop advertising.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Original Quill on Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:57 pm

Or stop worrying.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:01 pm

Original Quill wrote:Or stop worrying.  
Yep....or maybe even be a bit more considerate to her late husbands family.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Thor on Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:06 pm

Syl wrote:
Original Quill wrote:Or stop worrying.  
Yep....or maybe even be a bit more considerate to her late husbands family.


What?

How are they being considerate to her?

Since when was this womans love anything to do about them?

Again

In the many people I have known who have lost loved ones, those who are sadly dying. In every single case have wanted them to find love.

Why should a timescale matter on this, seriously?

If that is what their partners wanted and they found love quickly again. How would that some how be wrong and if any family member was against that. Then they are not truely thinking of the member they have lost. Everyone mourns at different levels, but to take issue because someone finds love again. Means the problem is with that person, because they have not accepted that thir loved one has gone. Just because they have been able to move on, does not give anyone a right because they have not, to berate someone because they have.

It does not mean they love the person they have lost any less. People should stop berating others, when they are going through one of the most difficult times of their life, to when they then find happiness again. They should always be supportive

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Thor on Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:11 pm

Oh and for the record, the picture you posted

Her son looks very happy she has found love again

What does that have to do with any other member of the deceased family, seriously?

Does she have to now wait until every single family member has been able to move on from this syl?

Seriously?

What you are claiming is that people have to wat for everyone to be able to move on from this.

How selfish of you to think that. As how many years do you expect that person to wait for everyone to feel comfortable again?

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Vintage on Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:52 pm

If the opportunity came along and she was ready good for her, mostly only the person concerned can judge when the time is right, although some people sometimes need a bit of a nudge. She doesn't have to wait for her deceased partner's family to 'get over it, ' they loved him too and miss him, I just surprised that she seems surprised that some people can be upset, you don't take notice of people you don't know but those who knew him and are still grieving can be understood for being caught off guard so to speak, I'm sure they'll come around once they come to terms with it, especially then being able to see the happiness.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Wed Jan 09, 2019 12:36 am

Thor wrote:Oh and for the record, the picture you posted

Her son looks very happy she has found love again

What does that have to do with any other member of the deceased family, seriously?

Does she have to now wait until every single family member has been able to move on from this syl?

Seriously?

What you are claiming is that people have to wat for everyone to be able to move on from this.

How selfish of you to think that. As how many years do you expect that person to wait for everyone to feel comfortable again?

Please dont twist what I say, nowhere have I claimed that she should wait till everyone is able to move on. I have actually said the opposite.
I do think she could have been more considerate to her deceased husbands family, which is different to thinking she shouldn't find happiness again.

I also think encouraging her son to call her new husband daddy is disrespecful to his dead dad....especially so soon after he died.
It would seem to his family that  she has very quickly replaced her deceased husband from ever being part of the family.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Thor on Wed Jan 09, 2019 1:22 am

Syl wrote:
Thor wrote:Oh and for the record, the picture you posted

Her son looks very happy she has found love again

What does that have to do with any other member of the deceased family, seriously?

Does she have to now wait until every single family member has been able to move on from this syl?

Seriously?

What you are claiming is that people have to wat for everyone to be able to move on from this.

How selfish of you to think that. As how many years do you expect that person to wait for everyone to feel comfortable again?

Please dont twist what I say, nowhere have I claimed that she should wait till everyone is able to move on. I have actually said the opposite.
I do think she could have been more considerate to her deceased husbands family, which is different to thinking she shouldn't find happiness again.

I also think encouraging her son to call her new husband daddy is disrespecful to his dead dad....especially so soon after he died.
It would seem to his family that  she has very quickly replaced her deceased husband from ever being part of the family.


Really, you have moaned about the deceasesd family, when they have zero to do with when the widow should move on and have even started a ridiculous thread on this and continue to contradict yourself on this

"You, think, I think"

So no twisting on my part, that is your industry, for doing that

She could give zero consideration, as this is about her happiness

Who cares what you think is respectful?

Its not disrespectful and its only in the mind of some imposing nosy parker

Seriously, as you are not the boy and neither are you the widow. 

Thier happiness matters and its down for them to decide, not you

Thank goodness, the fate of the world is never decided on your opinions

Here watch a good film regarding this, where everyone it seems encourages the widower to find love


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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Wed Jan 09, 2019 1:35 am

Thor wrote:
Syl wrote:

Please dont twist what I say, nowhere have I claimed that she should wait till everyone is able to move on. I have actually said the opposite.
I do think she could have been more considerate to her deceased husbands family, which is different to thinking she shouldn't find happiness again.

I also think encouraging her son to call her new husband daddy is disrespecful to his dead dad....especially so soon after he died.
It would seem to his family that  she has very quickly replaced her deceased husband from ever being part of the family.


Really, you have moaned about the deceasesd family, when they have zero to do with when the widow should move on and have even started a ridiculous thread on this

So no twisting on my part, that is your industry, for doing that

She could give zero consideration, as this is about her happiness

Who cares what you think is respectful?

Seriously, as you are not the boy and neither are you the widow. 

Thier happiness mattersd and its down for them to decide, not you

Many threads get ridiculous once you enter them and start with your bombastic patronising posts, try to refrain from spoiling them.
You often twist what has been said, it's very obvious to everyone who reads a thread what has been said and what hasn't.

If the woman didn't want comments she wouldn't be posting her life on social media. Once on social media and in newspapers the story is up for discussion....but no one is forcing you to join in a thread if you find it distasteful.

In any case, I dont think anyone here has criticised her for moving on and finding happiness...that's just something you have made up.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Thor on Wed Jan 09, 2019 1:41 am

Syl wrote:
Thor wrote:


Really, you have moaned about the deceasesd family, when they have zero to do with when the widow should move on and have even started a ridiculous thread on this

So no twisting on my part, that is your industry, for doing that

She could give zero consideration, as this is about her happiness

Who cares what you think is respectful?

Seriously, as you are not the boy and neither are you the widow. 

Thier happiness mattersd and its down for them to decide, not you

Many threads get ridiculous once you enter them and start with your bombastic patronising posts, try to refrain from spoiling them.
You often twist what has been said, it's very obvious to everyone who reads a thread what has been said and what hasn't.

If the woman didn't want comments she wouldn't be posting her life on social media. Once on social media and in newspapers the story is up for discussion....but no one is forcing you to join in a thread if you find it distasteful.

In any case, I dont think anyone here has criticised her for moving on and finding happiness...that's just something you have made up.

Oh I see, so I am fault for now being in disagreement with you

How bad of me, what a naughty boy.

Get a grip

What she does not need is some woman who has never experinced ever going through this trying to judge her on her future happiness

Again what matters in each case is for the individual, not people on the outside and everyone should help people and encourage them to find someone

Some people cannot, and also respect those who do not want to find love elsewhere, but I am certainly not going to tell a person when and where they should find love again, being as their life has already been shattered by the lost of love of their lives. As what kind of human being thinks they can put a timeline on this?

I never made anything and yes you are being critical by claiming she should consider the deceased family.

She does not have to as she is not marrying them

Again watch the film


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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Vintage on Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:23 pm

Isn't that one of the things that civilisation/law and order is built on, consideration, otherwise we'd all be murdering anyone we don't like, taking anything we wished to etc.

You can't really live your life with the 'its her life' do as she wants attitude, unless you live in isolation or everyone lives the same way, surely we always consider other people to a degree and even more so for people we call family, even in laws and your child's grandparents.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Thor on Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:30 pm

Vintage wrote:Isn't that one of the things that civilisation/law and order is built on, consideration, otherwise we'd all be murdering anyone we don't like, taking anything we wished to etc.

You can't really live your life with the 'its her life' do as she wants attitude, unless you live in isolation or everyone lives the same way, surely we always consider other people to a degree and even more so for people we call family, even in laws and your child's grandparents.

Sorry, but how is the love of two people dependent on the feeling of others?

Is that then not them respecting the love between those two individuals Vintage?

So the only people that should ever be consider in such a situation is children and even then the children should want their parent to be happy in love again.

I am sorry, but are you saying if some object, that when this person has found love. That they should then consider their objections and end the relationship?

How on earth is that civilized and harks from a view where some people are forced into marriage against their will, by their families

Love is all that matters between two people and I have seen many times growing up when young. Where people considered it wrong, based on religious grounds. With Prodestant and catholic, to deny people to be together. Generally family members.

You want my honest opinion on those that objected here on religious grounds?

They can get stuffed

All that matters is the two individuals in love and everybody should respect that. Its down to people to choose the paths they make in life.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Thor on Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:48 pm

I would also add Vintage. Where someone is gay and the parents and family object and threaten to disown them. That this person should take this into consideration their bigotry and never be happy being gay and married?

Seriously?

You call that being civilized?

The only times where there should be a genuine objection, if its know that their family member is being phsycially/mentally abused, radicalised with extremism etc within a relationship. As there is a welfare issue then. Otherwse there is no real reason why anyone should object and to be honest it is none of their buisness, if their objections are based on personal taste.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by gelico on Wed Jan 09, 2019 4:01 pm

Vintage wrote:It's certainly a scary thought not having them there after so many years, almost like being cut in half.


exactly like that

after losing my hubby, for some time i didn't even know who i was. i had to ''find myself'' again in a way

everything happens for a reason though

i am now feeling more confident, stronger and more content than i have ever felt in my life before

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Vintage on Wed Jan 09, 2019 4:44 pm

Of course they should consider how something like this would feel to her deceased husband's family, his death didn't only affect her, it didn't happen in isolation, agreed she doesn't need to hold back and its her life, she can only explain and hope they get the message, which they probably will when they've come to terms with their loss, but you don't just ride rough shod over other peoples feelings just because, what kind of a world would that be. She may or may not like it but they are all still connected because of the child and its in his interests as well to be in contact with his grandparents and on good terms.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Thor on Wed Jan 09, 2019 4:51 pm

Vintage wrote:Of course they should consider how something like this would feel to her deceased husband's family, his death didn't only affect her, it didn't happen in isolation, agreed she doesn't need to hold back and its her life, she can only explain and hope they get the message, which they probably will when they've come to terms with their loss, but you don't just ride rough shod over other peoples feelings just because, what kind of a world would that be. She may or may not like it but they are all still connected because of the child and its in his interests as well to be in contact with his grandparents and on good terms.
 

So because it effected them, she should place their life on hold, until they are comfortable?

I am sorry Vintage, but life is filled with many chapters and iff people waited for others to be able to close that last chapter and move on, nobody would be ever able to move on. As how extended a family is this going to be to then consider people? Uncle jack 3 times removed?

Nobody is denying or saying they are not connected, but this is about her and not them. Just because she has found new love, does not mean she loved any less her previous husband or his family. So like I say they would be holding her back, based on their of period to grieve. Where to some that can take years.

That child is still going to be a big part in their life and her moving on marrying should not and wont effect that. Death is sadly a part of life we all have to accept. You cannot and should not wait until everyone feels ready, when its that individuals happiness, that is most important here

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by >THE Ben Reilly< on Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:30 pm

Syl wrote:
gelico wrote:

my mum died of cancer in 2010.  by 2011 my dad was dating the woman who was her best friend and is still with her now.  they only see each other once a week or so cos they're both busy but they've been on holiday together.

both of them have said that they are not marrying again though

Sorry to hear of your mums death Gels, my mum died in 2010 too.

It's funny how some people gravitate towards the best friend of their partner after the spouse has died.
In the case of my male friend, his wife and her bf were so alike physically, people always thought the were sisters.
It's worked out for them because they have been happily married for about 12 years now.
His first wife who died very young has never been forgotten by either of them.

Wow, my dad died in 2010.

My mom still hasn't gone on a date since his death, though she's had to turn a few men down.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:34 pm

gelico wrote:
Vintage wrote:It's certainly a scary thought not having them there after so many years, almost like being cut in half.

exactly like that

after losing my hubby, for some time i didn't even know who i was.  i had to ''find myself'' again in  a way

everything happens for a reason though

i am now feeling more confident, stronger and more content than i have ever felt in my life before

Gels, anyone reading your post who has ever lost their partner would be encouraged even inspired by hearing you say this.
I cant imagine ever being able to cope if my OH died before me, I know I would have to and I know people do, but to hear you say you not only have but feel empowered knowing you can and did make it is comforting to many I'm sure. x

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:36 pm

>THE Ben Reilly< wrote:
Syl wrote:

Sorry to hear of your mums death Gels, my mum died in 2010 too.

It's funny how some people gravitate towards the best friend of their partner after the spouse has died.
In the case of my male friend, his wife and her bf were so alike physically, people always thought the were sisters.
It's worked out for them because they have been happily married for about 12 years now.
His first wife who died very young has never been forgotten by either of them.

Wow, my dad died in 2010.

My mom still hasn't gone on a date since his death, though she's had to turn a few men down.

2010 was a sad year for us three then. Losing a parent is one of the saddest times in anyones life, I can only think that losing a child or a partner is more heartbreaking.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by gelico on Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:46 pm

Syl wrote:
gelico wrote:

exactly like that

after losing my hubby, for some time i didn't even know who i was.  i had to ''find myself'' again in  a way

everything happens for a reason though

i am now feeling more confident, stronger and more content than i have ever felt in my life before

Gels,  anyone reading your post who has ever lost their partner would be encouraged even inspired by hearing you say this.
I cant imagine ever being able to cope if my OH died before me, I know I would have to and I know people do, but to hear you say you not only have but feel empowered knowing you can and did make it is comforting to many I'm sure. x

aw, thanks syl.  2010 was a shit year. I lost my mum in June but I couldnt even have time to grieve properly cos hubby was so ill at the time and he died in August. I was not best pleased at that point I can tell you. I was like a zombie for what seemed like ages.

mind you i had constant support from friends, family and also hubbys family are great.  We always get together over christmas.  i did say to them a couple of years after hubby died that if i ever met another guy i would want to bring him over for a family inspection to get their approval.  they all laughed and i know they would be delighted for me if i met someone else and would accept whoever it was into the family.  they are brilliant.  my kids have also been awesome.

no idea what it would have been like without all that.  and even with all the support i still fell into a bit of a  depression which took some while to acknowledge and get through

one of my clients in the care job had only just lost her husband 6 months ago and then found herself in a care home and she hadnt even adjusted to the fact that she lost her husband then bang on top of that lost her home and had to rely on carers.

she was in a rare old state and would cry on every visit, i think the carers were the only ones she had to talk to.

heartbreaking and when i see some situations that other people have to suffer I know how truly blessed I am

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Syl on Wed Jan 09, 2019 7:09 pm

Have a thanks for sharing that....I mean it when I say reading about your (and this applies to everyone really) life and hardships can really help others, because everyone faces sad times, and knowing others have been through them and come out strong is encouraging.

Its good you had family to help you through, and it's great they are still so supportive of you and the choices you make....I bet they would love it if you did find someone to share your life with, but thats always a personal choice and some people dont want another romantic relationship anyway. I cant imagine the sadness you felt at the time though....I dont think anyone can unless they have been through it themselves.

My mum was left alone when she was in her thirties, she never bothered with any other man, though I can remember, even though I was very young, she had quite a few a calling....even the married ones who fancied their chances, she gave em all short shrift and remained independent till she died in 2010.

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Re: How soon is too soon?

Post by Vintage on Wed Jan 09, 2019 7:53 pm

Thor wrote:
Vintage wrote:Of course they should consider how something like this would feel to her deceased husband's family, his death didn't only affect her, it didn't happen in isolation, agreed she doesn't need to hold back and its her life, she can only explain and hope they get the message, which they probably will when they've come to terms with their loss, but you don't just ride rough shod over other peoples feelings just because, what kind of a world would that be. She may or may not like it but they are all still connected because of the child and its in his interests as well to be in contact with his grandparents and on good terms.
 

So because it effected them, she should place their life on hold, until they are comfortable?

I am sorry Vintage, but life is filled with many chapters and iff people waited for others to be able to close that last chapter and move on, nobody would be ever able to move on. As how extended a family is this going to be to then consider people? Uncle jack 3 times removed?

Nobody is denying or saying they are not connected, but this is about her and not them. Just because she has found new love, does not mean she loved any less her previous husband or his family. So like I say they would be holding her back, based on their of period to grieve. Where to some that can take years.

That child is still going to be a big part in their life and her moving on marrying should not and wont effect that. Death is sadly a part of life we all have to accept. You cannot and should not wait until everyone feels ready, when its that individuals happiness, that is most important here


You are arguing with nothing I actually said.

Its never just about one person unless you have no friends or family and live in isolation. What's the saying 'no man is an island'. I'd didn't say she should put her life on hold, not even suggested it. Just that a bit of compassion and consideration should be shown to his relatives who are grieving and understand they could be upset - for a while.

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