Settling for second best.

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Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Mon Feb 06, 2017 6:47 pm

Secret mobile app Whispers have revealed that many people admit they have settled for second best whilst looking for a life partner....sad. Crying or Very sad
Some of the 'whispers' below...

http://whisper.sh/stories/d6543909-3362-49fd-ae69-a338a25f00a4/I-can-never-be-with-the-woman-that-I-love-so-I-settled-for-second-bes





https://cdn-webimages.wimages.net/0524c899cbe7d79fc52ba0647b32046735b9f4-wide-thumbnail.jpg?v=4

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Mon Feb 06, 2017 6:49 pm

One of the many reasons marriage is foolish and prostitution should be legal.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by eddie on Mon Feb 06, 2017 6:54 pm

There are thousands and thousands of people who have settled for second best, and mostly, they don't admit it.

I'd rather be alone than do that. This thread brought a lump to my throat actually.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Mon Feb 06, 2017 7:09 pm

Ben Reilly wrote:One of the many reasons marriage is foolish and prostitution should be legal.
I disagree with the first bit and agree with the second.


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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Mon Feb 06, 2017 7:11 pm


eddie wrote:There are thousands and thousands of people who have settled for second best, and mostly, they don't admit it.

I'd rather be alone than do that. This thread brought a lump to my throat actually.

I have never heard of this app...but all the messages sent and received are private, so maybe people can feel more relaxed at admitting things like this.
I know people who have openly said they settled for second best....especially when they were getting older. It is a bit sad, but I suppose if they are compatible it can work.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by eddie on Mon Feb 06, 2017 7:14 pm

I'm compatible with my neighbours dog. He likes walking and licking his favourite people and also biscuits.
Shouldn't a relationship have something more than "compatible"?

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Mon Feb 06, 2017 7:17 pm

eddie wrote:I'm compatible with my neighbours dog. He likes walking and licking his favourite people and also biscuits.
Shouldn't a relationship have something more than "compatible"?

Course it should, but maybe it's enough for some people....especially if they have never met the right one....or he/she doesn't want them.
Some of those quotes were really sad though......I don't know what would be worse, to settle for second best, or know your partner had. Shocked

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by eddie on Mon Feb 06, 2017 7:30 pm

Yeah there were some pretty sad posts.

I'm with Ben on the marriage thing though. I will never get married.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Mon Feb 06, 2017 7:36 pm

Marriage can be good...I do think the most important thing to look for (apart from the love/lust thing) is a sense of humour.
Without sharing one of those I think Mr Right can soon become Mr wrong after the initial passion has settled a bit.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Guest on Mon Feb 06, 2017 7:43 pm

There is are simple reasons why some settle for second best.

Some are insecure.
Some are afraid of taking risks and they thus settle for someone who they perceive is a less risk of cheating.
Some have built a wall around themselves wrongly thinking it protects them from getting hurt.
Some have low self esteem and little belief in themselves that they can find love.
Most of all they never want to get out of their comfort zone.
Some place financial security over love

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Mon Feb 06, 2017 7:53 pm

Yes I'm sure all those reasons come into play sometimes.

It's a bit sad though....to know that you never found your soul mate. I love you

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Guest on Mon Feb 06, 2017 7:56 pm

Syl wrote:Yes I'm sure all those reasons come into play sometimes.

It's a bit sad though....to know that you never found your soul mate. I love you


I reckon people do and have, where they can end up blowing it. No pun intended.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by eddie on Mon Feb 06, 2017 8:05 pm

Thorin wrote:There is are simple reasons why some settle for second best.

Some are insecure.
Some are afraid of taking risks and they thus settle for someone who they perceive is a less risk of cheating.
Some have built a wall around themselves wrongly thinking it protects them from getting hurt.
Some have low self esteem and little belief in themselves that they can find love.
Most of all they never want to get out of their comfort zone.
Some place financial security over love

I think you have hit on a few good points there.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by *THE Ben Reilly* on Mon Feb 06, 2017 10:26 pm

I always figured "fear of dying alone" was at the top of that list.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by eddie on Mon Feb 06, 2017 10:38 pm

Fear of change. Lots of people just won't take the risk of giving up their comfort zone.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by eddie on Mon Feb 06, 2017 11:09 pm

Well seems a lot of people re-evaluate their love lives on Valentine's Day of all days:

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/is-valentines-day-a-day-f_b_14594152.html

It may seem strange that so many relationships break up around Valentine’s Day, however there are three main reasons for this:

It is a time when people take stock of their love lives. They evaluate what they have and whether it’s what they really want. If one partner is unsure about the future together they will not want to make big romantic gestures on Valentine’s Day so this is why breakups spike just before the big day.
If your relationship is on rocky ground, then this time of year will put even more pressure on it when all around you are love hearts and happy couples.
Valentine’s Day highlights if one partner is more committed than the other. If one of you wants to make a big deal of the day with a romantic dinner and gifts it can bring it to breaking point.
Whilst it can seem harsh to end it all before this supposedly “romantic” day, it is a lot more honest to face your feelings and make the decision to walk away rather than go through with the pretence of it all.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by WhoseYourWolfie on Tue Feb 07, 2017 3:15 am

Ben Reilly wrote:
One of the many reasons marriage is foolish and prostitution should be legal.

Idea

Prostitution -- in and of itself -- has never been 'illegal' in Australia...

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Tue Feb 07, 2017 5:41 pm

Strictly speaking prostitution isn't illegal in the UK either, but the limitations make it impossible to females to work in safety....so it may as well be classed as illegal.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by HoratioTarr on Tue Feb 07, 2017 10:06 pm

Syl wrote:Strictly speaking prostitution isn't illegal in the UK either, but the limitations make it impossible to females to work in safety....so it may as well be classed as illegal.

I don't know about that. Brothels are only illegal if you're the one running or managing them. Selling sex as a sex worker in a brothel isn't illegal. God knows how that works, but that's it. At least in a brothel the girls have each other and can get health checked and are relatively safe. Street walking is illegal.
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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Wed Feb 08, 2017 12:41 pm

HoratioTarr wrote:
Syl wrote:Strictly speaking prostitution isn't illegal in the UK either, but the limitations make it impossible to females to work in safety....so it may as well be classed as illegal.

I don't know about that.  Brothels are only illegal if you're the one running or managing them.  Selling sex as a sex worker in a brothel isn't illegal.   God knows how that works, but that's it.   At least in a brothel the girls have each other and can get health checked and are relatively safe.   Street walking is illegal.

Brothels are illegal if more than one person is plying their trade from it......you can work solo, but then it's hardly a brothel is it. Laughing

Do you remember an American programme called the Chicken ranch.
It went inside a properly run brothel, the girls were managed (by a business woman not a pimp) protected, had regular health check ups, and the customers were vetted yet not treated like dirty old men or perverts.
I think the girls, management and owner all paid tax and were properly registered.

Now that to me is a good idea.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Wed Feb 08, 2017 12:49 pm

Thorin wrote:There is are simple reasons why some settle for second best.

Some are insecure.
Some are afraid of taking risks and they thus settle for someone who they perceive is a less risk of cheating.
Some have built a wall around themselves wrongly thinking it protects them from getting hurt.
Some have low self esteem and little belief in themselves that they can find love.
Most of all they never want to get out of their comfort zone.
Some place financial security over love

I had a really good friend once who made a very successful marriage by, in her words, choosing with her head not her heart. We were all fairly young at the time, and I couldn't understand how anyone could do that.

It worked for them both. They ended up with a very successful business and I worked for them for years.
They were committed to each other, neither had affairs. I think their marriage was never a passionate one, but neither did they ever argue. It did work for them, more like a business arrangement, and only ended when she died young.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by eddie on Wed Feb 08, 2017 1:11 pm

Sounds boring.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by nicko on Wed Feb 08, 2017 2:46 pm

Not if they loved each other.
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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by eddie on Wed Feb 08, 2017 3:37 pm

nicko wrote:Not if they loved each other.

No passion?
That's crap sex right there.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by nicko on Wed Feb 08, 2017 4:08 pm

Is that all you think of, Are you married?
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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by nicko on Wed Feb 08, 2017 4:26 pm

When I was young and in my prime,
I used to do it all the time.
Now i'm getting old and grey,
I only do it once a day !!







































































.


When I was young and in my prime
I USED TO DO IT ALL THE TIME,
now i'm getting old and grey
I only



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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by eddie on Wed Feb 08, 2017 4:46 pm

nicko wrote:Is that all you think of,     Are you married?

Nope and nope.
I'm just saying, if there's no passion then there's no sex and you may as well be living with a mate.
Sex is a way of communicating, it's important.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Wed Feb 08, 2017 4:57 pm

eddie wrote:
nicko wrote:Is that all you think of,     Are you married?

Nope and nope.
I'm just saying, if there's no passion then there's no sex and you may as well be living with a mate.
Sex is a way of communicating, it's important.

I agree with you Eddie.

But some people don't seem to need that kind of passion, so if it works for them good luck.

Also, if a couple are not blinded by lust, they may have more in common than a couple who are when the passion (inevitably) fades a bit.

Great love ( or lust) can sometimes turn to uninterest when the sex stops being the main connection.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by eddie on Wed Feb 08, 2017 5:05 pm

That's not what I was saying. The "perfect" relationship should have all those things...lust/desire (and that doesn't always fade, it only fades if you don't keep the mystery alive and you don't let enough space develop), you need to be great buddies - like you know you'd hang out with them even if they were the same sex as you.

People who say "oh well passion always goes and it doesn't matter if we don't have sex" are simply lying to themselves and rather than split up, they will find other ways to find pleasure.
I know so many men who's wives don't bother with sex and the men just put up with it. It's a big deal to men, and to a lot of women too.
I am not saying you have to be at it like rabbits but it should be fun and enjoyable until you die and it's a nice way to communicate when you haven't the words.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Wed Feb 08, 2017 5:32 pm

Relationships are never 'perfect'....if that's what a person expects I believe they will always be disappointed.
Sex does fade...it's natural. It need never disappear, but other things take the place of wanting and needing to have sex all the time.

I believe that when it does fade (and it will) that's when many marriages go awry. Some people are always looking for the rush that comes with fancying someone sexually all the time....I believe that's when many people start affairs, women as well as men.

One of the saddest things imo in relationships is when a couple have grown older together, maybe when the kids have left home, and they have absolutely nothing left in common with each other.
Couples, of any age, who don't talk and laugh together can fancy each other like mad ...but I doubt it will last.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Wed Feb 08, 2017 5:37 pm

Have to add to that....I am talking like a woman married 42 years....no doubt a woman in the first flush of a new relationship would have a totally different outlook of what she wants and expects. Smile

One thing that is important imo, is knowing my OH still likes me as well as loves me......to not feel liked must be a bit soul destroying.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by eddie on Wed Feb 08, 2017 5:53 pm

Syl wrote:Have to add to that....I am talking like a woman married 42 years....no doubt a woman in the first flush of a new relationship would have a totally different outlook of what she wants and expects. Smile

One thing that is important imo, is knowing my OH still likes me as well as loves me......to not feel liked must be a bit soul destroying.

Well of course, liking someone is important. I don't suppose you can love someone unless you like them.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Wed Feb 08, 2017 5:54 pm

eddie wrote:
Syl wrote:Have to add to that....I am talking like a woman married 42 years....no doubt a woman in the first flush of a new relationship would have a totally different outlook of what she wants and expects. Smile

One thing that is important imo, is knowing my OH still likes me as well as loves me......to not feel liked must be a bit soul destroying.

Well of course, liking someone is important. I don't suppose you can love someone unless you like them.

Hmmm....I think you can, especially if you mix up love and lust.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Original Quill on Wed Feb 08, 2017 6:13 pm

Syl wrote:
Ben Reilly wrote:One of the many reasons marriage is foolish and prostitution should be legal.
I disagree with the first bit and agree with the second.

I've come to the conclusion that marriage is a predatory relationship--either way, I'm not saying it is either a male or female thing. The fault is the binding nature of marriage. If people don't have expectations of permanency then they must constantly working at the marriage. Therapists will tell you that that is the key to success in relationships.

Such fluidity means that all will find their own level and second choices will become a thing of the past. People don't accept second best as much as they cling to permanency.

Why is permanency a bad thing? It isn't, unless you enter into the relationship for the wrong reasons. A bad childhood home will prompt a marriage for the wrong reasons...mostly to escape. That's where the wrong choice is made.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Wed Feb 08, 2017 6:25 pm

Original Quill wrote:
Syl wrote:
I disagree with the first bit and agree with the second.

I've come to the conclusion that marriage is a predatory relationship--either way, I'm not saying it is either a male or female thing.  The fault is the binding nature of marriage.  If people don't have expectations of permanency then they must constantly working at the marriage.  Therapists will tell you that that is the key to success in relationships.  

Such fluidity means that all will find their own level and second choices will become a thing of the past.  People don't accept second best as much as they cling to permanency.

Why is permanency a bad thing?  It isn't, unless you enter into the relationship for the wrong reasons.  A bad childhood home will prompt a marriage for the wrong reasons...mostly to escape.  That's where the wrong choice is made.

Interesting points Quill...obviously I don't agree with marriage being a 'predatory relationship'....I see it as a give and take relationship, sometimes one takes more than they give and vice versa......but I think that's the basis of any long term relationship.
I do agree that marriage has to be worked at...but so does any relationship if you want to keep it happy and fulfilling.

Divorce is so easy nowadays I don't think many people stay together simply because they are married.

I agree with the last sentence 100%.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Guest on Wed Feb 08, 2017 6:29 pm

There is such a thing as a perfect relationship. Its one where both are constantly working at their relationship, understanding each other.
People are certainly not perfect and can always end up arguing, but within a perfect relationship. They will never allow it to fester and stay unresolved. They will when hey have calmed down, will seek to listen and understand the root cause of their argument. Where they will then neither look to blame each other, but both concede they were both in the wrong for getting upset, angry and what led to the confrontation. People can when very much in love, allow their passions to get their better of them. Its the ability to listen to where things can go wrong and correct them, that makes for a perfect relationship. Its where something is left unresolved, that things start to slowing fester. Until one problem turns into a hundred problems. Things that seemed cute or charming before, become an annoyance, because of that first unresolved issue. Its because of that unresolved issue as to why either will be annoyed.

Hence why a perfect relationship, will be based on some of the most important aspects after love.

Faith, trust, understanding and listening.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Guest on Wed Feb 08, 2017 6:34 pm

Oh this is important and have posted before.


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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Wed Feb 08, 2017 6:36 pm

Thorin wrote:There is such a thing as a perfect relationship. Its one where both are constantly working at their relationship, understanding each other.
People are certainly not perfect and can always end up arguing, but within a perfect relationship. They will never allow it to fester and stay unresolved. They will when hey have calmed down, will seek to listen and understand the root cause of their argument. Where they will then neither look to blame each other, but both concede they were both in the wrong for getting upset, angry and what led to the confrontation. People can when very much in love, allow their passions to get their better of them. Its the ability to listen to where things can go wrong and correct them, that makes for a perfect relationship. Its where something is left unresolved, that things start to slowing fester. Until one problem turns into a hundred problems. Things that seemed cute or charming before, become an annoyance, because of that first unresolved issue. Its because of that unresolved issue as to why either will be annoyed.

Hence why a perfect relationship, will be based on some of the most important aspects after love.

Faith, trust, understanding and listening.

That's nice Thor....if you are not married or in a long term relationship...well then you should be. Laughing

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Guest on Wed Feb 08, 2017 6:38 pm

Syl wrote:
Thorin wrote:There is such a thing as a perfect relationship. Its one where both are constantly working at their relationship, understanding each other.
People are certainly not perfect and can always end up arguing, but within a perfect relationship. They will never allow it to fester and stay unresolved. They will when hey have calmed down, will seek to listen and understand the root cause of their argument. Where they will then neither look to blame each other, but both concede they were both in the wrong for getting upset, angry and what led to the confrontation. People can when very much in love, allow their passions to get their better of them. Its the ability to listen to where things can go wrong and correct them, that makes for a perfect relationship. Its where something is left unresolved, that things start to slowing fester. Until one problem turns into a hundred problems. Things that seemed cute or charming before, become an annoyance, because of that first unresolved issue. Its because of that unresolved issue as to why either will be annoyed.

Hence why a perfect relationship, will be based on some of the most important aspects after love.

Faith, trust, understanding and listening.

That's nice Thor....if you are not married or in a long term relationship...well then you should be. Laughing


Ah, but its easy to see from the outside Syl   Laughing

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Wed Feb 08, 2017 6:41 pm

Thorin wrote:
Syl wrote:

That's nice Thor....if you are not married or in a long term relationship...well then you should be. Laughing


Ah, but its easy to see from the outside Syl   Laughing

Aint that the truth. Cool

I think when emotions are involved, most reasonable people know exactly how they should act...they don't always follow through though.
Aren't humans funny? Razz

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Guest on Wed Feb 08, 2017 6:46 pm

Syl wrote:
Thorin wrote:


Ah, but its easy to see from the outside Syl   Laughing

Aint that the truth. Cool

I think when emotions are involved, most reasonable people know exactly how they should act...they don't always follow through though.
Aren't humans funny? Razz


That is because when it effects ourselves, our emotions govern our thinking.
Its being able to control the negative emotions that can plague people.
Even the positive ones can blind people sometimes.
Its being able to find the balance.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Original Quill on Wed Feb 08, 2017 7:02 pm

Syl wrote:
Original Quill wrote:

I've come to the conclusion that marriage is a predatory relationship--either way, I'm not saying it is either a male or female thing.  The fault is the binding nature of marriage.  If people don't have expectations of permanency then they must constantly working at the marriage.  Therapists will tell you that that is the key to success in relationships.  

Such fluidity means that all will find their own level and second choices will become a thing of the past.  People don't accept second best as much as they cling to permanency.

Why is permanency a bad thing?  It isn't, unless you enter into the relationship for the wrong reasons.  A bad childhood home will prompt a marriage for the wrong reasons...mostly to escape.  That's where the wrong choice is made.

Interesting points Quill...obviously I don't agree with marriage being a 'predatory relationship'....I see it as a give and take relationship, sometimes one takes more than they give and vice versa......but I think that's the basis of any long term relationship.
I do agree that marriage has to be worked at...but so does any relationship if you want to keep it happy and fulfilling.

Divorce is so easy nowadays I don't think many people stay together simply because they are married.

I agree with the last sentence 100%.

I think the expectation that arises out of marriage--that of a permanent contract--is what give rise to what I might call the 'disregard' factor...that idea that you don't have to try anymore. It's the exact opposite of the 'work for it' factor that therapists tell us we must do. In errant minds, the contract substitutes for the have to work at it factor, and people naturally grow into seeing only utility, not love, in each other. It becomes a predatory relationship.

I stress that people get married for the wrong reasons because I think that's where they end up short. That error will bloom as sure as any flower and they end up jumping to a place as bad or worse than the one they left. Once again, marriage for the wrong reasons means you are making prey of your spouse.

People need to find themselves before they find a partner.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Syl on Wed Feb 08, 2017 7:02 pm

Don't you think though Thor, many people instead of living life and being happy, try to analyse to much?
I know we are now in a thread just talking....but real life just flows, good, bad, happy, sad.....as long as you share that with someone you love, THATS what a real relationship is about.

I feel sad for people who think they have settled for second best and are not motivated enough  to change that.
It might be better for them if they just accepted that and made the best of what they have.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Guest on Wed Feb 08, 2017 7:12 pm

Syl wrote:Don't you think though Thor, many people instead of living life and being happy, try to analyse to much?
I know we are now in a thread just talking....but real life just flows, good, bad, happy, sad.....as long as you share that with someone you love, THATS what a real relationship is about.

I feel sad for people who think they have settled for second best and are not motivated enough  to change that.
It might be better for them if they just accepted that and made the best of what they have.


People can always over analyse, but you should always analyse if something is not right.
To learn from where something has gone wrong to help correct that situation.
We only ever truly learn, by looking to understand everything.
Sadly for some its too late for when they do realise where they have gone wrong..

I look at why people have settled for second best and ask why?
When did the negative aspects first set in, that destroyed their confidence in having love?
Was it whilst growing up or in a previous relationship, a friendship gone wrong, bullying etc?
Generally, then people are clinging to the past and have not been able to close that chapter in their life and be able to move on to the next one. Because of past pains, some people are simply too afraid to take risks.

Fortune though favours the bold.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by veya_victaous on Wed Feb 08, 2017 9:55 pm

I blame Rom Coms Cool Cool Cool
it creates unrealistic expectations of what a partner/relationship should be, Like Syl said

Syl wrote:real life just flows, good, bad, happy, sad.....

people looking for perfection in an imperfect world.



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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Guest on Wed Feb 08, 2017 9:59 pm

veya_victaous wrote:I blame Rom Coms Cool Cool Cool  
it creates unrealistic expectations of what a partner/relationship should be, Like Syl said

Syl wrote:real life just flows, good, bad, happy, sad.....

people looking for perfection in an imperfect world.




Or the reality is some people just simply aim to high.
They place imaginary expectations on people, hey would never hope to do themselves if asked upon.
What that is really, is another brick wall placed up to people and staying within a comfort zone.
I have seen some friends do this. They place ridiculous expectations on people playing games with them and only end up unhappy themselves. They do this out of fear they have. A fear, not to risk falling in love.
Sad really whn you think about it.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by eddie on Wed Feb 08, 2017 10:00 pm

Quill said it:

"People need to find themselves before they find a partner."

That's it in a nutshell.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by Guest on Wed Feb 08, 2017 10:00 pm

eddie wrote:Nope, Quill said it:

"People need to find themselves before they find a partner."

That's it in a nutshell.


Indeed, People have to be happy within themselves, not seek or grave something.
Happiness, should come from within. Then its easy to fall in love.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by eddie on Wed Feb 08, 2017 10:07 pm

I just think you need to be able to live completely alone and be happy and then love could happen to you. It may never happen to some people, who knows?
Perhaps you only ever really know what true love is when you're on your death bed and you look back....and you just know.

Fucked if I know.

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Re: Settling for second best.

Post by eddie on Wed Feb 08, 2017 10:08 pm

That's the other thing: how many people live alone long enough, by themselves, to know if they actually preferred it to a relationship?

Just saying.

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