Top Tips

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Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:32 pm

First topic message reminder :

Eradicate bird flu by putting a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse into your birdbath water.   Obviously, you'd have to put Nightnurse in the bird baths for owls.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:42 pm

MAKE your penis think you are married by only touching it on birthdays and holidays
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:42 pm

BANK ROBBERS. Next time you're on a 'job' wear a tutu, snorkel & nappy so the people who do the reconstruction look like twats.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:43 pm

HELP your piss-shy urinal neighbour to 'go' by rubbing his back and whispering encouraging comments to him
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:45 pm

IFa small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:46 pm

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:46 pm

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:49 pm

DISCOURAGE burglars by wearing an old policeman's uniform and standing outside your house day and night. 
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:50 pm

AVOID being embarrassed when you trip in the street. Simply pretend to trip every three steps. Passersby will think this is part of your normal walk, and ignore you.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:51 pm

SHOPPERS. When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:51 pm

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:52 pm

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:54 pm

MOTORISTS  Convince other road users your car is equipped with an air conditioning system by driving around on hot days wearing a big coat and a scarf whilst keeping all the windows closed. 
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:56 pm

MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:57 pm

CINEMA-GOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:58 pm

SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:58 pm

SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:59 pm

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:00 pm

MOTORISTS - concerned you may damage your car when parking in the garage? Attach a balloon to your front bumper and place a drawing pin on the wall, When the balloon pops you need to stop.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:02 pm

TWO used tea bags and a length of elastic, make an ideal pair, of low cost swimming goggles
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:03 pm

 HOME OWNERS: Save money on expensive carpet by attaching two deep pile carpet tiles to your bare feet with elastic
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:04 pm

 PRETEND to be an X-Factor judge by informing buskers that they have picked the wrong song.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:04 pm

DOG LOVERS. Reduce your chances of going blind by only buying brown or black labradors.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:06 pm

A cat, completely covered in vaseline, with it's ears pinned back, makes an ideal low cost pet otter substitute.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:07 pm

SHOE BOMBERS: Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:10 pm

DRIVERS. Don't get stuck in traffic if you are late for work .Simply call the fire brigade and tell them your place of work is on fire and follow the fire engine as it speeds through
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:11 pm

GENTS. Save yourself embarrassment on washday. Place a strip of 1-inch wide sellotape in the gusset of your underpants every morning. This can simply be wiped clean after any unfortunate accidents.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:12 pm

SCARE the shit out of your fellow motorists: Don a pair of sunglasses and drive around with a Labrador in a hi-vis doggy jacket. 
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:12 pm

BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:13 pm

MARS BAR fans. Buy a Snickers bar and pick out the peanuts. Hey presto, a Mars bar and a handful of peanuts, all for the price of a Snickers. 
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:14 pm

AVOID paying fancy prices for champagne by simply putting an Alka Selzer tablet in a bottle of Blue Nun
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Re: Top Tips

Post by eddie on Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:06 am

Horatio I fucking love these!!!
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Re: Top Tips

Post by Cass on Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:53 am

They are some of the funniest stuff I have seen in a long time.

Cheers x
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Re: Top Tips

Post by veya_victaous on Fri Apr 01, 2016 1:41 am

Excellent thread HT Wink
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 9:08 am

Feel free to post your own.  bounce rabbit
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:40 am

POLICE.  Save money on expensive sirens by putting a police dog on top of your car and slamming the door on its tail at periodic intervals before attending a 999 call.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:42 am

CONSTIPATED driving instructors.  Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls when instructing a new pupil.  If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:44 am

DRIVERS.  Save money by putting larger wheels on the back of your car. That way, you'll always be going downhill, thereby saving expensive fuel.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:46 am

TIRED of being nagged to walk the dog?   Pretend you've already taken it out by strategically placing a smoked turkey rasher out of the side of its mouth whilst it lies by the fire, to give it that 'shagged out' look!
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:47 am

QUEENS.  Don't throw away those old crowns.   They make excellent 'cosies' for those Ming Dynasty teapots.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:48 am

QUEENS.  If a large jewel drops out of one's sceptre, it can be easily replaced with a pear drop of the same colour from which one has sucked the sugar coating.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:49 am

SMOKERS.  Enjoy a crafty fag at your office desk by attaching a flexible vent hose to your face and running it out the window.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:50 am

USED plasters make excellent chewing gum for vampires.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:50 am

INCREASE the size of your rooms by decorating them with thinner wallpaper.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:51 am

FOR a cheap and eco friendly hairnet, walk through a cobweb!
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:52 am

IT'S easier to sharpen the end of a worm into a point with a pencil sharpener if you freeze it first.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:54 am

FIND your way to the lavatory in the dark by attaching a length of string from the toilet bowl to the bathroom door.  Simply straddle the string and slide the cleft of your buttocks along it until you feel the toilet seat with your genitals.  Genius!
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:57 am

FORMER 10cc member, LOL Creme.  When text messaging bad news, it's probably best not to add your name at the end as it may cause offence.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:58 am

SINGLE men.  When expecting female company at home, be sure to leave a carefully placed tape measure in view pulled out to 9 and half inches.
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:01 pm

LADIES.  Cycling helmet too big?  Place a panty liner in the rim for a snug fit.  (But don't use the ones with wings or you'll look like Deputy Dawg)
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Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:03 pm

FARMERS. Don't throw away those old rubber gloves.  With the ends of the fingers cut out, they make sexy 'peep hole' bras for cows.
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Re: Top Tips

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