Top Tips

Page 1 of 3 1, 2, 3  Next

Go down

Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:32 pm

Eradicate bird flu by putting a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse into your birdbath water.   Obviously, you'd have to put Nightnurse in the bird baths for owls.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:32 pm

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:32 pm

SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:33 pm

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:34 pm

HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:34 pm

PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:35 pm

SINGLE MEN: Fool folk into thinking you've got a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with loads of bags
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:36 pm

RECREATE that ‘sat in the audience at a Jeremy Kyle show’ feeling by sitting in the order collection area at Argos.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:37 pm

EXPERIENCE the thrill of a school reunion by simply lying to a room full of strangers about your disappointingly sad life.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by >THE Ben Reilly< on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:37 pm

These are hilarious Smile
>THE Ben Reilly<
>THE Ben Reilly<
Cowboy King. Dread Pirate of the Guadalupe. Enemy of the American people.

Posts : 25628
Join date : 2013-01-19
Age : 44
Location : Essex

View user profile http://www.newsfixboard.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:37 pm

NEW PARENTS. Up to the age of around 4, kids don’t really know it’s their birthday unless you tell them. Save your money.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:38 pm

RECREATE the thrill of writing a blog by screaming your deepest, most profound thoughts into the dark, uncaring, night sky.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:39 pm

RECREATE the festive cheer of a glass of mulled wine from a pub by microwaving a glass of Ribena mixed with Listerine.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:40 pm

DOG OWNERS. Make shouting for your dogs on walks through the woods more fun by calling them “Mr Lover Man” and “Shabba”.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:40 pm

GET instant pain relief after stubbing your toe by hopping on one leg and shouting 'FUCKING BASTARD' repeatedly.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:41 pm

ASSESS the ‘banter’ potential of your new workplace by shouting “Morning wankers!” as you walk in on your first day.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:42 pm

NOT MUCH going on in your life? Feeling a bit needy? Simply tag yourself 'at A&E' on Facebook, then never say why.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:42 pm

EMITTING a silent fart when opening a Dairylea Triangle will convince dinner guests it's an expensive French cheese.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:44 pm

RECREATE the joy of having teenage kids by talking to brick walls and giving lots of money to people who think you're an idiot.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:45 pm

FIND out if you are ready for cat ownership by knocking everything you own on the floor and taking a piss in your shoes.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:46 pm

TRICK people into thinking you're a time-traveller by buying clothes in Middlesbrough.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:47 pm

SAVE money on expensive Calzone by folding a pizza in half & not being such a ponce.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:49 pm

FOOL your smart watch into thinking you've run 3 km by having a wank.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:50 pm

GIVE your tweets an Australian accent with a strategically placed punctuation mark?
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:56 pm

MUMS  Run out of Xmas wrapping paper?   Simply convert birthday wrapping paper by adding 'Jesus' after Happy Birthday!  
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by Syl on Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:59 pm

Lol HT....brilliant. Razz
Syl
Syl

Posts : 18156
Join date : 2015-11-12
Location : Manchester

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by eddie on Thu Mar 31, 2016 7:01 pm

THESE ARE BRILLIANT!!
eddie
eddie
King of Beards. Keeper of the Whip. Top Chef. BEES!!!!!! Mushroom muncher. Spider aficionado!

Posts : 37182
Join date : 2013-07-28
Age : 48
Location : England

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:18 pm

TAKE a tip from drug dealers.  Make  your eggnog go further at Christmastime but 'cutting' it with magnolia emulsion.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:19 pm

AN ideal but inexpensive Christmas gift for the smoker is a novelty cigarette lighter made from a housebrick with a match tied to it on a bit of string!
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:25 pm

HUSBANDS. Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, reverse up the aisle, then get into your car and fuck off!
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:26 pm

SMOKERS.  When non smokers visit your house, make them stand outside in the cold while you have a fag.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:28 pm

FITNESS INSTRUCTORS.  Help fat people  do sit ups by tying scotch eggs to their shoes.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:29 pm

GENTS. Give yourself a tidy swagger by wearing only one shoe!
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:31 pm

WHEN visiting a Moto Service Station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange a bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills thereby save time and embarrassment.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:34 pm

MAKE choosing lottery numbers fun for the whole family.   Write the numbers 1 to 60 on sweetcorn then eat with your tea, then see which six come out first. Be sure to underline 6  and 9  and use indelible ink!
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:37 pm

DIY ENTHUSIASTS.  Make your approach more professional by starting three days late, wearing ill fitting trousers and  shaking your head at regular intervals!
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by nicko on Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:42 pm

Brilliant!
nicko
nicko

Posts : 11295
Join date : 2013-12-07
Age : 78
Location : rainbow bridge

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:17 pm

PARSNIP lovers.  Save money by boiling cheaper carrots in bleach
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:18 pm

HELP to teach kids about Government by taking all their sweets off them and telling them to fuck off.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:21 pm

Make your own cherry tomatoes by watering beefsteak tomato plants with bonsai feed.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:30 pm

CREATE your own jogging pants by snipping the feet off a pair of tights and emptying the contents of a Hoover bag down the insides.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:32 pm

DON'T shell out high prices for vibrators. Simply put an angry wasp in a cigar tube.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:33 pm

HUSBANDS: Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply weeing in the sink.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:34 pm

LADIES!  When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:38 pm

MEN. Avoid that awkward air trap in the end of a condom by popping a little pin hole in the end
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:38 pm

GET AWAY with fly-tipping by leaving your junk outside charity shops. Top it off with an old board game for authenticity.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:39 pm

SICK of your girlfriend giving you blowjobs? Simply marry her and say goodbye to oral sex misery.
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:40 pm

TRAIN COMPANIES. Simply suffix your train times with '-ish' to avoid so many complaints
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by Cass on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:40 pm

cheers cheers cheers
Cass
Cass
the Nerd Queen of Nerds, the Lover of Books who Cooks

Posts : 5312
Join date : 2014-01-19
Age : 51

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Top Tips

Post by HoratioTarr on Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:41 pm

DEAF PEOPLE. Take advantage of the situation by buying an N-Dubz album
HoratioTarr
HoratioTarr

Posts : 9265
Join date : 2014-01-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Page 1 of 3 1, 2, 3  Next

Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum